A womb for rent (offensive)

It is no surprise that some women have used their specialized genitalia to make a few quick bucks. Whether it is servicing the local "john" or the surrogate who provides a baby for a childless couple, there's gold down that hole. Pimps are like gold miners, as they exploit the mines for booty and abandon them when they're barren. Sadly even in a civilized society like ours the denigration of women continues. It culminated in "Octo-Mom, a women who currently holds the worlds record for surviving octuplets. Television executives had filmed a pilot of the new "Octo-Mom" show, but it was cancelled due to technical problems. Octo-moms failure to obtain a lap band for her uterus resulted in echo distorting the audio program. Well at least it's nice to know that when you need a warm, comforting, place to stay you can always find "A womb for rent".

Mr. Hand

Lately every time I put my hand in my pocket there is already another one there. I call him Mr. Hand, and lately he has become very greedy. Recently I went to pay for some groceries and he began fighting with me over my last twenty dollar bill. It was very embarrassing to see me jerking my hand around in my trousers at the checkout. Even stranger the cashier gave me her phone number. I thought I saw a needle mark on him and figured he needed the money for drugs. I was wrong. I found out Mr. Hand works for the Internal Revenue Service. I had heard of the "long arm of the law". He fights crime with truth and justice, so what is Mr. Hand's job? No, it's not a sexual act. He is responsible for shaking down hard working, law abiding citizens. You know if he is in my trousers all the time he could reciprocate by giving me a little pleasure once in a while. At the very least he could help carry my casket after he taxes me to death.

To all the girls I've loved before.

Kind of hard to imagine girls loving Willie Nelson. After all he's short, hairy, wrinkled, and owes the IRS more money than Charlie Rangel. But since his girls are hanging around livestock all day, I guess Willie don't seem that bad after all. Sure he may be dirtier than a moto-cross race track. So what, considering the west is one giant dust bowl anyway. You know I'm kinda short, hairy, and wrinkled, but I don't owe taxes, and keep myself pretty clean. So what happened "To all the girls I've loved before". If they were smart they moved out of town. The others should be out at their next parole hearing. The rest are doing just fine in therapy thank you.

Damn proud!

How many times have you heard someone say I'm damn proud to be ___ (fill in the blank)? The fact is no matter what nation, race, or culture your from they all share serious faults. If I am an evolutionist then I really have nothing to brag about. Am I better because I evolved from bacteria and you evolved from fungus. That's probably why you have athletes feet, jock itch, and dandruff. Maybe I'm better because I descended from Capuchin monkeys and you descended from bonobos. Bonobos practice homosexuality, orgies and occasionally cannabalism. Kind of a "love em and eat em attitude". Something you can proudly wear on a T shirt. What if I evolved from a horse and you came from a mule. I know it's true cause (music maestro) your back is brawny, but your brain is weak. Your plain just stupid with a stubborn streak. And by the way if you hate to go to school, you may grow up to be a mule. Now that's something you can be damn proud of!

Spare the rod, spoil the future inmate.

I thought I would tackle the topic of corporal punishment. I have often thought of a beautiful dominatrix...Oops, wrong story. Anyway, I always thought a proper, lovingly administered spanking could help save a child on the road to destruction. The problem is twenty countries have outlawed it, and seventy one percent of the parents are against it, and I know who they are. More importantly I know who their children are. They are ones who scream continuously until they are given candy. They are the ones who throw rocks at moving cars nearly causing them to crash (actually that was my cousin). They are the ones who are disrespectful to the elderly, police, and anyone in authority. They are the ones who destroy private property and wind up in juvenile court before puberty. Disagree? Maybe you should check the statistics. You know taking a power drill to your skull is probably a dangerous thing, but in the hands of a surgeon it can be a lifesaver. Spanking is also a tool, and when used properly may save parents from that long trip to Rikers every weekend.

Idiot central

I find it hard to believe some of the quotes coming from officials in the White House. Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano exclaimed "the system worked" in reference to the fact that a Nigerian terrorist on a watch list who was denied a U.K. visa, and whose father warned of his radicalization was allowed to board a U.S. flight with a bomb in his underwear. You can't take a tube of toothpaste to brush your teeth after an 18 hour flight, but apparently exploding genitalia is allowed. How about Cass Sunstein the head regulator who said "animals should be able to bring suit" (lawsuits). I guess the judge would be saying "odor in the court", and place your hoof on the bible and take the stand. Now I understand where they got that expression "I object, he is badger-ing the witness". More importantly, how did these people wind up in the White House? You know there is a station on t.v. called "comedy central", but it will soon be replaced by "idiot central". A collection of ivy league, elitist, farm loving, liberal a__holes who will rule the world with truth, justice, and equality for livestock, plants, and assorted fungi. Their purpose: To free mankind from rational thought and logic. To boldly go where no intelligent life exists, to the White House. Check your cable provider for station and show times.

A dull dress

I know clothes make the man or women, but I think we have gone to far. We shouldn't judge each other by what we wear, or even how we look. We are more than outward appearance, we are moral, emotional, and intellectual. When I heard of my best friends divorce I was shocked. I thought they had a wonderful relationship. When I asked why, he said. A dull dress.