Mean People

Is it me or are there a lot of mean people running around lately? Everywhere you go people are pushing you, cursing you, and acting like someone stuck a garden hose sized catheter in them. Even people who are paid to kind and caring suck. I went for a yearly physical and the lady who took my blood stabbed my arm repeatedly like a blindfolded kid trying to pin a tail on a donkey. She finally found a vein and forced the needle in so hard she damn near gave me an aneurysm. When I left I had more holes than a junkie, and more black and blues than Rodney King. I should have spilled my urine sample on her. Maybe we should be more sympathetic toward mean people. Maybe they had a screwed up life, or maybe they were abused or neglected. Well that's too f__ing bad! The only thing mean people are good for is marrying your ex-wife!

ASSassins (very offensive)

How is it that recent terrorists are so stupid they can't even blow themselves up let alone kill any innocent civilians? Richard Reid the shoe bomber still has all his toes. People lose their toes every day, and they don't have a bomb in their sneakers. Farouk Abdulmuttalab the underwear bomber still has his penis. People lose their penis everyday in industrial accidents, and marital altercations, and they don't carry explosives in their shorts. John Wayne Bobbit lost his when his wife cut off the source of his infidelity. Thankfully the police issued an A.P.B. for the penis using an artists sketch. A passerby recognized it and called 911 who immediately dispatched a detective. They figured it takes a dick to find one. Now we got an idiot in Copenhagen who set off a bomb and burned his face. What kind of moron straps a bomb to their face? First they started at the feet, went to the pelvis, then to the face, what part of the body is next? Maybe they could shove a stick of dynamite up their ass and light it. Coming to think of it Al Qaeda has already tried it. You can't make shit like this up.

http://www.nypost.com/p/news/international/item_hKiF3TDJkgYItnBQkJXmTN

Dimmer than a burnt out bulb

Incandescent light bulbs have illuminated our lives for over 130 years. They are cheap, but the government has decided they are inefficient and waste energy. As of 2014 they will be phased out, and only CFL (compact fluorescent lights) and other efficient bulbs will be sold. The only problem is incandescents are made in America, and today alone 200 workers will lose their jobs. The CFL bulbs are made in China. So in order to save energy Americans will be unemployed, but at least they will be saving electricity. The light bulb is usually associated with a brilliant idea, but when a politician gets an idea it's more than likely associated with a burnt out bulb.

Disposal of CFL bulbs is so dangerous there are 87 steps you must follow. Check the link.
http://www.epa.gov/mercury/spills/

Take it all off!

I am old enough to remember how hot Marilyn Monroe was. I may have been a youngster, but I immediately felt a tingle go up my leg. Not to be confused with the idiot who had the same feeling for Barack Obama. He must have had a disturbing childhood. As a teenager I was able to get my hands on Playboy magazine and other things, and became enamored by the exquisite beauty of the female body. Today men are still enjoying the sensual pictures of naked women, except in addition to clothes they have removed skin, muscles, tendons, and organs. When they say take it off, take it all off, they really mean it.

http://dailycaller.com/2010/09/09/seeing-through-the-x-ray-pinup-girls-nsfw/

Zombie 101

I have always liked zombie movies, especially the classic "Night of the living dead". The fact that dead people could come alive and eat you is probably the scariest scenario in all horror movies. I was amused to discover that colleges such as the university of Baltimore have been offering zombie classes. I am sure the parents who have invested a fortune in their children's education will be madder than Freddie Kruger from "Nightmare on Elm Street" when they find out. Freddie enjoyed ripping students apart so I assume he must be one of those pissed off parents who refinanced their home twice and delayed their retirement ten years just to send junior to college. The truth is young people already spend most their time in a trance staring at a laptop, or listening to music oblivious of the outside world. Maybe their just practicing for their zombie finals.

http://www.metro.co.uk/weird/840238-university-of-baltimore-to-teach-zombie-classes

Must be those damn ...

B.P. was responsible for the greatest environmental disaster in the America. Day after day we agonized over oil covered beaches, fish, and pelicans. A moratorium was issued banning deep water drilling, and cap and trade was again on the table due to renewed desire to protect the fragile ecosystem. Then a strange thing happened. The well was sealed, the oil stopped and the gulf slowly began it's recuperation. The "green" initiatives made during the disaster quickly receded like the tide. It wasn't the democrats fault, it must be have been those damn snake oil selling repelicans.

More cushin for the pushin

There is a saying that plump girls are better at sex because there's more cushin for the pushin. A new scientific study now claims that fat man are better lovers than skinny guys. The reason is they have more female sex hormones and it takes them longer to ejaculate. It could also be why they have such large breasts. The survey found fat men could last an average of 7.3 minutes during love making. So is that why all the gorgeous girls are dying to jump in the sack with one ton Tony? Now I know where they got that expression he's got a crush on you. By the way the skinny guys only last 1.8 minutes, but at least they don't need a spatula to scrape their wives off the bed when their finished. Kind of gives new meaning to being infatuated.

http://www.news.com.au/entertainment/body-soul/fat-men-enjoy-longer-lasting-sex-scientific-research-show/story-e6frfou0-1225914453080