Mommy what's snow?

According to David Viner senior researcher at the East Anglia Climate Research Unit "...in a few years snow will be scarce, and children just aren't going to know what snow is". This was in March of 2000 and in ten years England had plenty of snow every year except 2002. So what happened when his prediction turned out to be false? He was promoted to head the British Council's Climate Program. In 2007 the E.P.A. concluded "Snow season length and snow depth are likely to decrease in most of North America...". The Intergovermental Panel on Climate Change (I.P.C.C.) said "As temperatures rise the likelihood of precipitation falling as rain rather than snow increases...". So why did Al Gore state "...increased heavy snowfalls are completely consistent with what they have been predicting as a consequence of man made global warming"*. This guy must have been sucking on an exhaust pipe and thinking it was a cigar. The title of this blog should be "Mommy what is a snow job", and the answer is every prediction made by the global warming misfortune tellers.

All that CO2 is giving me a headache!

*http://dailycaller.com/2011/02/11/is-al-gore-wrong-on-the-environment-global-warming-is-not-to-blame-for-snow/

President's original birth certificate located!

President Obama's original birth certificate was located yesterday, and it conclusively proves he is in fact Ted Williams the homeless singer. The facts are they have never been seen together in public like Clark Kent and Superman. The President's teleprompter and the homeless mans sign both had "change" as a common theme. Ted has behavioral and drinking problems and Obama has had numerous beer summits at the White House as a result of "acting stupidly". Similarly they both made deals with the drug industry, one in the back room and the other in the back alley. The most damning evidence is that in 2012 the President will become homeless once again. Those community organization skills can sure come in handy at the local soup kitchen.

Back to the future

Texas school districts are requiring some students to learn Arabic as they claim it is "language of the future"*. By future they mean 500 A.D. when they developed Arabic numerals which is the last time they invented anything useful. Actually I just found out Arabic numerals were really of Hindu origin**, and that's why O.P.E.C. can't figure out the price for a barrel of oil. Their most recent contribution to mankind was the compact camel which goes 50 miles on a gallon of water, and the suicide bomber. This is one of the most illiterate civilizations on the planet, so what could we possibly learn from them? Maybe how to calculate the distance a skull can travel from a ounce of C4, or if a Ginsu knife can cut through spine better than a sword. Apparently the D.O.E. (department of eggheads) believes you have to go back 15 centuries to go to the future. I look forward to the day when they invent the wheel, dragging my ass around all day is killing me.

*  http://www.theblaze.com/stories/tx-school-district-plans-to-force-some-students-to-take-arabic-language-culture-classes/
**http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Arabic_numerals

readin, rightin, and gamblin

Scammon Elementary School

Our school system sucks money they way a black hole sucks planets, and the only bang for our buck we get is the exploding violence among students. So in spite of a 700 million dollar shortfall Chicago Public Schools sent 14 of its teachers on an all expense paid spa and resort conference in Las Vegas. I guess the students don't massage them as well as the professionals, but it's important that teachers learn the odds of winning at slot machines vary between slim and none. Speaking of math no wonder the students can't multiply except by becoming pregnant. Coincidentally the name of the school is Scammon Elementary. I believe the correct spelling is Scamming.

http://chicago.cbslocal.com/2011/02/07/school-sends-teachers-to-vegas-spa-on-taxpayers-dime/

Anybody get that plate number?

Hit and run accidents are serious crimes so N.J. assemblywoman Cleopatra Tucker sponsored a bill requiring bicyclists to register their bikes and display license plates*. This was due to a large number of elderly residents being run over by young hoodlums. The only problem was the elderly had trouble seeing the small plates, and when they did see the numbers they couldn't remember them. The police couldn't even verify they were run over by bikes because their wrinkles camouflaged the tire marks. In the end widespread protests by bicyclists meant the law was knocked down faster than aunt Meg crossing the road during the Tour de France. Anybody get Lance Armstrongs plate number?

*http://www.nj.com/news/index.ssf/2011/01/nj_assemblywoman_slams_brakes.html

When giants ruled the earth

Kim Jong ILL

Why is it that midgets want to rule the world? Whether it's Kim Jong IL at 5'3", or Mahmoud Ahmadinejad at 5'2" these demented dictators could not even see eye to with Hitler who was 5'8". I got nothing against little people (I'm one of them), but everyone should know their proper place. At one time giants ruled the earth, but these leaders seek to destroy the natural order of things. Whatever happened to the "big fish eat the little fish" theory of evolution? By their logic the villain in the movie "Jaws" would be a sardine. Now there's a story about a man eating fish.

A monkeys uncle

Dan working on a new blog

Well it's true I'm hairy and love bananas. I also hunch over a keyboard all day so pretty soon my knuckles will be dragging from poor posture. Recently I've noticed that I am constantly scratching myself, and my legs seem to be bowing more than usual. So I wasn't surprised when a new study claims I have a 97% similarity in D.N.A. to orangutans*. They are intelligent, artistic, and males have shown to be attracted to human females. Great, I've always had a hard time getting a date and now I got competition from the animal kingdom. Darwin was right I am a monkey's uncle. I think I'lll get my nephew a tire swing for his birthday.

*http://www.dailymail.co.uk/sciencetech/article-1350807/How-humans-97-orangutans-New-research-shows-DNA-matches.html