Zombie 101

I have always liked zombie movies, especially the classic "Night of the living dead". The fact that dead people could come alive and eat you is probably the scariest scenario in all horror movies. I was amused to discover that colleges such as the university of Baltimore have been offering zombie classes. I am sure the parents who have invested a fortune in their children's education will be madder than Freddie Kruger from "Nightmare on Elm Street" when they find out. Freddie enjoyed ripping students apart so I assume he must be one of those pissed off parents who refinanced their home twice and delayed their retirement ten years just to send junior to college. The truth is young people already spend most their time in a trance staring at a laptop, or listening to music oblivious of the outside world. Maybe their just practicing for their zombie finals.

http://www.metro.co.uk/weird/840238-university-of-baltimore-to-teach-zombie-classes

Must be those damn ...

B.P. was responsible for the greatest environmental disaster in the America. Day after day we agonized over oil covered beaches, fish, and pelicans. A moratorium was issued banning deep water drilling, and cap and trade was again on the table due to renewed desire to protect the fragile ecosystem. Then a strange thing happened. The well was sealed, the oil stopped and the gulf slowly began it's recuperation. The "green" initiatives made during the disaster quickly receded like the tide. It wasn't the democrats fault, it must be have been those damn snake oil selling repelicans.

More cushin for the pushin

There is a saying that plump girls are better at sex because there's more cushin for the pushin. A new scientific study now claims that fat man are better lovers than skinny guys. The reason is they have more female sex hormones and it takes them longer to ejaculate. It could also be why they have such large breasts. The survey found fat men could last an average of 7.3 minutes during love making. So is that why all the gorgeous girls are dying to jump in the sack with one ton Tony? Now I know where they got that expression he's got a crush on you. By the way the skinny guys only last 1.8 minutes, but at least they don't need a spatula to scrape their wives off the bed when their finished. Kind of gives new meaning to being infatuated.

http://www.news.com.au/entertainment/body-soul/fat-men-enjoy-longer-lasting-sex-scientific-research-show/story-e6frfou0-1225914453080

He scores!

Decapitation, what a crude, barbaric method of execution. Fortunately it went out with the Medieval period, but the news travels slow in the Middle East. That's why they don't believe in the holocaust, they are just learning of the crusades! Dutch politician Geert Wilders has recently been condemned as an enemy of Islam by a Muslim Cleric. His punishment will be a 365 degree Colombian necktie. A beheading might be a little extreme, but beating your wife, mutilating your young daughters genitals, stoning adulterers, amputating limbs of thieves, and forcing women to cover themselves so only their eyes can be seen might also be a little extreme for a religion of love. Yes I know not all Muslims support beheading infidels, but draw a blasphemous picture of Mohammed and see how many of them will rally around you for support. My guess is they'll kick your head around like a soccer ball. (Sports announcer) It's good! He scores! Iran wins the W.H.K.C. (World head kicking championship), and the crowd goes wild!

http://www.earthtimes.org/articles/news/342606,wilders-beheading-summary.html

Playing doctor

Sundsvall hospital in Sweden had a patient in the emergency room who waited so long to see a doctor he took a needle and thread and sewed up a large cut he had on his leg himself. He was reported for using hospital equipment without authorization, and was arrested. I guess he was supposed to sit there and bleed to death while waiting for a doctor to tend to him. At the same hospital pregnant women have the honor of cleaning the bed after they give birth. When they say that socialized medicine really gets you involved in your medical care they weren't kidding. After you play doctor, you get to play nurse.

http://www.thelocal.se/28150/20100803/
http://www.news.com.au/breaking-news/mum-asked-to-clean-hospital-room-after-birth/story-e6frfku0-1225908612738

Constitutional wrongs

Everyone knows we have rights. Even the dumbest criminals know they have the right to remain silent, although they must have terrible memories because even after 25 arrests we still have to repeat them. President Obama reminded us of the right of freedom of religion concerning the protest over building the Ground Zero Mosque. He failed to realize we know our constitution better than he does. Currently the A.C.L.U. is suing President Obama over the policy of targeting American citizens (Al Awlaki specifically) for assassination without trial or due process. I figured the president of the Harvard Law Review would know better. Wiretaps without warrants, breaking contract law in the G.M. bankruptcy, the mandate to buy health insurance and many of the bills making their way through congress are to say the least outside the boundaries of the constitution. When honest citizens complain about Congress failing to uphold and defend the constitution, we are quickly reminded of the right to remain silent. I thought Miranda warnings were specifically for the protection of criminals, and Chicago politicians.

http://blogs.abcnews.com/politicalpunch/2010/08/aclu-sues-to-block-targeted-killings.html

Driving me crazy

Driving is one of the great American pastimes. With thousands of miles of paved highways, scenic vistas, beaches, mountains, and landscape, cruising the U.S. is the best way to travel. Unless your a commuter going to work during rush hour. In Bejing there was bumper to bumper gridlock for 60 miles that lasted for nine days! Imagine calling your boss and saying I'll be a week late I am stuck in bad traffic. That's almost as bad as having the same relative die year after year so you can go to the super bowl.

http://articles.latimes.com/2010/aug/25/world/la-fg-china-traffic-20100825