Crockercide

A man upset over a breakup with his girlfriend decided to commit suicide. He found a crocodile infested river and figured he do a few laps. When a croc showed up with a human leg in it's mouth the man's family considered bringing charges against Betty the girlfriend. This was because she had influenced him to not take his depression meds. In the end the coroner ruled Death by Betty Crocker.
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1378046/David-Lubisi-40-commits-suicide-crocodile-fight-girlfriend.html?ito=feeds-newsxml

Toby Dumas trial ends in acquittal!

Toby Dumas

This is a followup to an article in realdumbassnews* where an 81 year old gentleman had discovered an intruder in his home. When the alleged perpetrator Toby Dumas attempted to steal his wallet he was promptly walloped with a frying pan and lost more teeth than a professional hockey player. At his trial Mr. Dumas was represented by Dick Cochran. He is the son of famed attorney Johnnie Cochran who defended O.J. Simpson. In his closing statement Dick submitted evidence of how the measurements of the frying pan could not have caused the facial injuries to his client. He held it up to the defendants face and said "if the pan does not fit you must acquit". Toby was pronounced not guilty and when pressed by reporters for a statement he said mklkprsjgh! Since losing his teeth he has had trouble speaking, but his wife said she finds his new look quite attractive. It was reported Warner Brothers offered him an undisclosed amount of money for the rights to his story. With his new found wealth he plans to buy property in Maine, and raise miniature donkey's. Toby said it will be called The Dumasses Ranch.

* http://realdumbassnews.blogspot.com/2011/04/81-year-old-man-next-wwe-champ.html#comments
DISCLAIMER: The details of this story are a fabrication by a seriously demented individual.

Where's the beef?

Taco Bell was sued for claiming they used "seasoned ground beef" which was alleged did not meet U.S.D.A. standards. Well there's a surprise, I thought they were using chihuahua meat because you don't see that cute little dog in their advertising anymore. I guess Taco Bell is not authentic Mexican food.
http://www.foxnews.com/health/2011/01/25/wheres-beef-taco-bell-sued-ingredients/

Ghadaffy Duck

I was always amused when Elmer Fudd would blast daffy ducks beak off. This usually occurs while daffy is standing under a sign that say's "Duck Season Open Today". Thanks to the U.N. which is about as useful an idiot as Elmer, hunting season is underway in Libya. Generally you hunt something to kill it, but where really not sure what we want to do with Ghadaffy. While he certainly wouldn't be appetizing on a plate, he would look good stuffed and mounted over the mantel in the oval office.

es-cape from the planet gone apeshit

This country has freakin gone apeshit, and now I know why people are forking over $200,000. to go to space. A job center spent taxpayer money to give 6,000 unemployed people super hero capes. Why? So they could rescue us hard working employed saps from the drudgery of the gulag. Unlike real super heroes they probably can't leap tall buildings, but can leap over turnstiles to avoid paying a fare. They can't bend steel in their bare hands, but as long as they can get freebies they'll barely work. They're not faster than a speeding bullet, unless there's a line forming at the local soup kitchen. I've seen better heroes at the deli.
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20110419/ap_on_re_us/us_capes_for_the_unemployed

The circle jerks

The Circle of the earth?

The P.C. morons are at it again. They are teaching children that Easter eggs are Spring spheres. Only an idiot would try to convince a child an egg is round. Can you imagine egg shaped tires, or an egg shaped globe?  At this rate graduates won't even be able to get a job at a diner since no one orders bacon and spheres.    HAPPY EASTER!
 http://abcnews.go.com/News/slideshow/easter-sunday-good-friday-controversy-13423006

Shake, rattle, and hold

Janet Napolitano head of the D.H.S.  wants to conduct an earthquake preparedness drill. Her recommendations are drop, take cover, and hold on. You can just imagine that during an earthquake a large section of earth will open so you can DROP in. As tectonic plates continue moving they will COVER you in dirt. Just HOLD on and in a couple of hundred years archeologists will find your mummified body, and safely store you in a national museum.
http://thehill.com/homenews/administration/157159-white-house-readies-us-shake-out-to-prepare-citizens-for-earthquakes