When websites attack

"Attack Watch" was set up by the Obama administration so that the lies, and smears, floating around about the President could be monitored, and the individuals reprogrammed by Media Matters. Some have likened this to 1930's Germany where citizens were urged to turn in their neighbors. Unfortunately many people have taken this as an opportunity to mock the Commander in Chief posting things like: He is so thin skinned he shaves with an eraser. He should be called the Condemner in Chief because he always blames everyone for his failures. His wife Michelle spends more time overseas than Roman Polanski. His administration saved or created millions of food stamp recipients. The Presidents Blackberry isn't a phone, it's a reference to his hemorrhoid. Someone even tweeted Ronald Reagan may have been a child actor President, but Obama is just a child acting President. "Attack Watch" is turning out to be the largest collection of jokes about the reigning O'Bumbleclot**. We may not get economic relief, but at least we'll get comedic relief. Take his wife-PLEASE!

You report, I deport.

*http://www.attackwatch.com/
**Bumbleclot is a Jamaican curse word.

The Coffee Club

Toby, over at realdumbnews broke the story of a shop in Washington called Java Jugs where you get a lap dance along with your coffee*. Finally there is justification for those ridiculously overpriced cappuccinos. Unfortunately the police have been cracking down on this lewd behavior, but I believe it is protected by the Declaration of Independence. I recall the lines "We hold these truths to be self evident...they are (well) endowed by their creator with certain inalienable rights...(especially) the pursuit of (my) happiness". In fact there is no better way to wake up than with a hot cup of Joe and a pair of giant headlights beaming in your face. Now I know why deer freeze.

Sorry mam, I'm lactose intolerant.

*http://realdumbassnews.blogspot.com/2011/09/java-jugs-have-coffee-and-lapdance.html
 Headlights is a euphemism for female breasts.

Sex by the numbers

A judge has ordered a Frenchman to pay his wife 10,000 Euros compensation for his failure to provide her with adequate sex*. Well I'm confused. Paying a woman to have sex with you is usually illegal, but if you don't have sex with your wife it's illegal, and you must  pay her. According to this line of reasoning a wife is a documented prostitute, and a prostitute is an undocumented wife. Our country seems to be very lenient towards undocumented individuals lately, so maybe we should give them a break. Like Charlie Sheen says "Don't report them, support them"!**

Hey we had an oral agreement!

Update: I am filing a class action lawsuit on behalf of all the men who have been denied adequate sex from their wives. The law office of Yank, Pullim, and Jerkem will be handling the case.

*http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/europe/france/8741895/Frenchman-ordered-to-pay-wife-damages-for-lack-of-sex.html
** Charlie never said it, but I'm sure he thought it.

Ticket to ride

 A New Mexico state trooper was unknowingly photographed having sex with a woman on the hood of her car. He had pulled her over for having a suspended panty, and then engaged in what appears to be improper use of a vehicle. His trusty K9 chihuahua helped to subdue the suspect and stood guard to prevent  her escape. The officer then gave her a ticket for a mechanical defect due to a leaky rear end, and left the scene of the grime.

Whatever happened to the long "arm" of the law?

Update: The officer in the picture was fired. He
was a recipient of a "Challenge Coin" an award for going above and beyond the call of duty. Perhaps he was saving her life from a vaginal itch that was killing her.

Weekend warriors

In N.Y.C. this past Labor Day weekend there were 67 people shot resulting in 10 deaths*. Which goes to prove that our idiot gangsta's can't shoot for shit, especially while their pants are falling down. Since everyone knows it is safer to be a moving target the morons in City Hall decided to to combat gun violence with new bike lanes. This way they figure you could pedal your ass off to dodge the hale of bullets. Now if they could only prevent the trucks from running us over it would really reduce the mortality rate.

*http://www.nbcnewyork.com/news/local/Labor-Day-Violence-New-York-City-shootings-129268118.html

It's okay, he's flatter than a pancake,
but there's no bullet wounds.

Deep in the heart of Texass

Looks like this pole is
being over taxed.



Governor Rick Perry of Texas has signed some new laws into effect*. One is that it is legal to shoot feral hogs from helicopters. Michael Moore immediately filed a lawsuit citing the hazard to his health. They also raised the state speed limit to 85 m.p.h. Since there are lots of highways near the border there is no way the illegals are making it across without being pulverized into Tex-Mex road chile. This sounds more like a policy to reduce immigration if you ask me. A really rotten law is if you plan on visiting a strip club you will have to pay a $5.00 tax. Some have referred to it as a pole tax, but I prefer to call it an uncover charge.

*http://news.yahoo.com/blogs/ticket/shooting-hogs-helicopters-fishing-hands-five-perry-approved-170245980.html

Oingo Boingo Obama

Uncle Onyango take your sister and get
back in the closet!

President Barack Obama's uncle Onyango a.k.a. Oingo Boingo Obama has been arrested for drunk driving outside the Chicken Bone Saloon in Framingham Mass*. Like the chicken bones that pile up after an all you can eat wings contest there appear to be a number of skeletons in Obama's closet as well. First his aunt is here illegally, and his uncle had a deportation notice against him. Rather than deporting aliens our government would rather deport jobs instead. How about enforcing the law, and putting a damn lock on that closet!

http://www.azcentral.com/news/articles/2011/08/29/20110829obama-uncle-arrested-dui.html
Oingo Boingo has nothing to do with Onyango, it just sounds better than his real name.