Crockercide

A man upset over a breakup with his girlfriend decided to commit suicide. He found a crocodile infested river and figured he do a few laps. When a croc showed up with a human leg in it's mouth the man's family considered bringing charges against Betty the girlfriend. This was because she had influenced him to not take his depression meds. In the end the coroner ruled Death by Betty Crocker.
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1378046/David-Lubisi-40-commits-suicide-crocodile-fight-girlfriend.html?ito=feeds-newsxml

Toby Dumas trial ends in acquittal!

Toby Dumas

This is a followup to an article in realdumbassnews* where an 81 year old gentleman had discovered an intruder in his home. When the alleged perpetrator Toby Dumas attempted to steal his wallet he was promptly walloped with a frying pan and lost more teeth than a professional hockey player. At his trial Mr. Dumas was represented by Dick Cochran. He is the son of famed attorney Johnnie Cochran who defended O.J. Simpson. In his closing statement Dick submitted evidence of how the measurements of the frying pan could not have caused the facial injuries to his client. He held it up to the defendants face and said "if the pan does not fit you must acquit". Toby was pronounced not guilty and when pressed by reporters for a statement he said mklkprsjgh! Since losing his teeth he has had trouble speaking, but his wife said she finds his new look quite attractive. It was reported Warner Brothers offered him an undisclosed amount of money for the rights to his story. With his new found wealth he plans to buy property in Maine, and raise miniature donkey's. Toby said it will be called The Dumasses Ranch.

* http://realdumbassnews.blogspot.com/2011/04/81-year-old-man-next-wwe-champ.html#comments
DISCLAIMER: The details of this story are a fabrication by a seriously demented individual.

Where's the beef?

Taco Bell was sued for claiming they used "seasoned ground beef" which was alleged did not meet U.S.D.A. standards. Well there's a surprise, I thought they were using chihuahua meat because you don't see that cute little dog in their advertising anymore. I guess Taco Bell is not authentic Mexican food.
http://www.foxnews.com/health/2011/01/25/wheres-beef-taco-bell-sued-ingredients/

Ghadaffy Duck

I was always amused when Elmer Fudd would blast daffy ducks beak off. This usually occurs while daffy is standing under a sign that say's "Duck Season Open Today". Thanks to the U.N. which is about as useful an idiot as Elmer, hunting season is underway in Libya. Generally you hunt something to kill it, but where really not sure what we want to do with Ghadaffy. While he certainly wouldn't be appetizing on a plate, he would look good stuffed and mounted over the mantel in the oval office.

es-cape from the planet gone apeshit

This country has freakin gone apeshit, and now I know why people are forking over $200,000. to go to space. A job center spent taxpayer money to give 6,000 unemployed people super hero capes. Why? So they could rescue us hard working employed saps from the drudgery of the gulag. Unlike real super heroes they probably can't leap tall buildings, but can leap over turnstiles to avoid paying a fare. They can't bend steel in their bare hands, but as long as they can get freebies they'll barely work. They're not faster than a speeding bullet, unless there's a line forming at the local soup kitchen. I've seen better heroes at the deli.
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20110419/ap_on_re_us/us_capes_for_the_unemployed

The circle jerks

The Circle of the earth?

The P.C. morons are at it again. They are teaching children that Easter eggs are Spring spheres. Only an idiot would try to convince a child an egg is round. Can you imagine egg shaped tires, or an egg shaped globe?  At this rate graduates won't even be able to get a job at a diner since no one orders bacon and spheres.    HAPPY EASTER!
 http://abcnews.go.com/News/slideshow/easter-sunday-good-friday-controversy-13423006

Shake, rattle, and hold

Janet Napolitano head of the D.H.S.  wants to conduct an earthquake preparedness drill. Her recommendations are drop, take cover, and hold on. You can just imagine that during an earthquake a large section of earth will open so you can DROP in. As tectonic plates continue moving they will COVER you in dirt. Just HOLD on and in a couple of hundred years archeologists will find your mummified body, and safely store you in a national museum.
http://thehill.com/homenews/administration/157159-white-house-readies-us-shake-out-to-prepare-citizens-for-earthquakes

A good friday message

Many of us would be willing to die for our loved ones, but how many of us would be willing to die for someone who hated us? How about dying for someone who would place a statue of us in a jar of urine? Whether you're a believer or not there is no other message so profound, so selfless, so perfect in defining the word love. On Good Friday one person believed mankind was worth saving. It's the one gift we desperately need, and truly don't deserve.

It' raining stupidhead

A swat team was sent to a mall over a report that a man was carrying a rifle in his backpack. Thankfully it was just an umbrella. They say opening one indoors can bring bad luck, especially when it's raining bullets.
http://www.upi.com/Top_News/US/2011/04/19/Umbrella-not-gun-caused-mall-evacuation/UPI-99621303233132/

Granny got herpes

People over 55 have been having lots of sex due to new drugs like viagra, and as a result are catching a lot of S.T.D.'s. Unfortunately seniors seem to be oblivious to public safety. Yeah, them old people have sex as badly as they drive.

http://www.latimes.com/health/os-seniors-stds-rise-20110416,0,133331.story

Cyclone technology

We can all agree the weather is becoming more dangerous thanks to "global warming" right? Well according to Australian scientists climate change will reduce the number of cyclones and wave heights in their region. Consequently any attempt to mitigate CO2 emissions will result in catastrophic loss of life. I can imagine it would be like like sucking up Aussies in a Dyson vacuum cleaner. That's a great way to clean up the planet. Looks like Al the janitor screwed up again.

http://jammiewearingfool.blogspot.com/2011/04/now-they-tell-us-climate-change-to-mean.html

Live and let die

President Obama lamented over the fact that the White House didn't have cool phones or fancy buttons and stuff*. He sounds like he is jealous of James Bond, although with the Libyan conflict and unmanned drone attacks he certainly has a license to kill. As for the beautiful women 007 hooks up, well O is stuck with Michelle. Good thing air force one has an ejection seat. Some baggage is not worth the extra expense.
* http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/04/15/obama-cool-phones-oval-office_n_849606.html

Burning desire

A man watching adult video's in a porn shop became engulfed in flames, and had 3rd degree burns over 90% of his body*. Investigators have not determined the cause of the fire, and are wondering how it spread so quickly. My theory is that masturbating without lubricant can ignite that shitty Old Spice aftershave you wear. Between the alcohol accelerant and continuous friction you're a perfect candidate for spontaneous combustion. When I make love I'm told I stink. That's good, no sense in burning down the house.
*http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1377126/Man-catches-porn-shop-watching-adult-movies-San-Francisco.html

The great snoreator

R.I.P.

President Obama has been declared as great an orator as Washington, Lincoln, and J.F.K. My favorite quote is "I've now been in 57 states, I think one left to go"*. What a pearl of wisdom. During the President's recent budget speech Joe Biden was sleeping and the lady sitting behind him looked like she was in a coma. Obama claimed the republicans drove the economy into a ditch, but it looks like he drove these two to an early grave. Maybe the President's cabinet can become a makeshift casket. It goes to prove you can literally be bored to death.
  *http://latimesblogs.latimes.com/washington/2008/05/barack-obama-wa.html                
                                                                                                                                           

Scar head

There are many pictures circulating that seem to indicate the President has a scar on his head. I'd like to add my two cents even though it would be opening a can of worms. Some people say he hit his head with a golf club, others say that at birth he was attached at the head to a twin, possibly Van Jones. That would be one instance where two heads are worse than none. To me the most logical conclusion is his inflated ego made his brain swell, and they cut open his skull to relieve pressure on the gelatinous gray matter squirming inside. Come to think of it, it's exactly like opening a can of worms.

The Kobe Stake

Kobe Bryant was fined $100k. for calling the ref a homophobic slur*, and as a result the N.B.A. has compiled a price list of penalties. Calling a ref a scumbag is $100, an asshole is $500, and a faggot is $100k since it is also a hate crime. Common sense is at stake here, and Kobe shouldn't be grilled over it.
*http://hosted.ap.org/dynamic/stories/B/BKN_LAKERS_BRYANT_SLUR?SITE=AP&SECTION=HOME&TEMPLATE=DEFAULT&CTIME=2011-04-13-18-10-06

Snookie street

The U.S. government is spending 20 million dollars for a Pakistani version of "Sesame Street". They were considering the "Muppets" then realized Miss Piggy is an inappropriate role model for Muslims. Maybe they could produce a muppet version of "Jersey Shore" although the only difference between Snookie and Miss Piggy is one is a porker and one is a pig. No matter how you dress them up they're both a boar, but are more appealing when coupled with a nice glass of Pino Noir.

Keep John Boehner out

Monica Lewinsky was very upset the republicans were willing to shutdown the government over the defunding of planned parenthood. Like most women she is determined to keep John Boehner out of her uterus. This is weird since Bill Clinton spent more time inside her than an ovarian cyst.

The top five reasons to incorporate your uterus.

The ACLU has suggested women incorporate their uterus as a way of protecting their rights*. These are the top five reasons. 1) In a corporation ownership is easily transferable in hole or in part to others. Meaning I can still take advantage of you when you are a drunken bimbo. 2) In a corporation retirement funds are established easily. So while your old and living in a homeless shelter your uterus can be floating around in the Caribbean thanks to it's 401k. What would Jacques Cousteau have thought of that? 3) A corporation is not affected by any individuals death so your uterus can be around long after you're fertilizer, even though it will smell just as bad. 4) As a corporation your uterus is taxed less. This means it won't be summoned by the I.R.S. unless your on honeymoon with an agent. 5) As a corporation your uterus can make money by selling shares, but from what I've seen of it it looks like a candidate for a hostile takeover.

* http://dailycaller.com/2011/04/06/aclu-to-american-women-incorporate-your-uterus/

Hey Loosey!

The fact that the Bronx zoo let a poisonous cobra loose implies they are running a minimum security facility, or someone sneaked in a mouse with a saw inside it. Rickey the snakes handler decided Loosey was an appropriate name for the cobra, especially in light of it's recent antics. It's painfully obvious that Loosey got some splainin to do.
http://nymag.com/daily/intel/2011/03/bronx_zoo_cobra_still_on_the_l.html

Dead cowboy poets society

Cowboys may sing sappy love songs, but recite poetry? They ought to be lassoed, hogtied, bushwhacked, rump wrangled, and run out of town by sundown. Don't get me wrong I do have respect for anyone riding a 2,000 lb bucking bull, but rhyming is for sissies and dead English people. Can you imagine moseying into Tombstone with a book by Dylan Thomas instead of a pair of six shooters? Before you can finish reciting "Do not go gentle into that good night" you'll be filled with more lead than a box of # 2 pencils! When I think of the wild west I think of gunfights, Indians, and rodeos. Harry Reid thinks of poetry festivals*. That's one varmint in need of testosterone therapy.
http://washingtonexaminer.com/blogs/beltway-confidential/2011/03/harry-reid-calls-cuts-cowboy-poetry-festivals-heartless

Good thing we didn't step in it

      Two bums were walking down the street when they encountered a pile of unknown material. After rigorous analysis they decided it "looks like shit, smells like shit, and tastes like shit". Then joyously proclaimed "good thing we didn't step in it"! In other words it may share all of the characteristics, but it's not officially declared shit till you step in it.    
      Somehow I find this curiously analogous to the "Kinetic Military Action" or non-war occurring  in Libya. It very much looks like war. The F-15's, explosions, and flying body parts kind of give it away. It smells like war with the accompanying sulfur, fires, and rotting corpses. It tastes like war to those who are choking on their own blood, sweat, and vomit. At this point we do not have any boots on the ground, but now I know why some guy in Iraq threw a shoe at Bush. It's not an officially declared war till a bum steps in shit.

The fecal finger of fate award

The envelope please, and the winner is ... Shopping carts! According to numerous studies shopping carts are teeming with fecal bacteria. My question is how the hell do you wipe your ass on the handle?

http://www.inquisitr.com/99928/study-shopping-carts-teeming-with-fecal-bacteria/

finger lickin good?

K.F.C. the world leader in fried chicken sales has decided to change it's slogan. The reason is they feel it is too food centric, and have decided "So good" would be more appropriate*. This reflects not only the food, but on the quality of their people. Who cares? Does any body really go there to see young pimply faced snot nosed teens carelessly handle animal parts with unwashed hands after returning from the bathroom? It's fried chicken not tofu, and it is supposed to be greasy and juicy. There are very few things in this world that are finger lickin good, and even less that come in a bucket. Although some come in a cuntainer.

*http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1358784/KFC-ditches-finger-lickin-good-healthier-slogan.html