Proctologists and other noble professionals. (Offensive situations)

What makes a person decide to become a proctologist? Granted they do make a lot of money, and they well deserve it. But why specialize in such an undesirable area? It is an area prone to eruptions of dangerous gasses and oozing fluids similar to active volcanoes. Certainly these practitioners are worthy of hazardous doody pay. There are some individuals who possess extremely gruesome derrieres. They suffer from anal fissures, hemorrhoids and other rectal infections. It takes someone special, with a caring heart, and nicely manicured fingers to insert an instrument of healing. Yes, I have a greater respect for my proctologist now that I have examined his selfless dedication to correcting my booty problems. In the beginning I was embarrassed, now I trust that man with my life and know he is fully capable of keeping the pain threshold just below that of tearing me a new one. The human body has parts that are ugly, smelly, disease ridden, and disgusting. It takes brave, dedicated individuals to deliver us from the jaws of humiliating medical maladies. They are the proctologists and other noble professionals.

Kiss your ass goodbye.

I remember almost 50 years ago we would practice air raid drills in school by hiding under our desks. Apparently atomic weapons can not penetrate square wooden objects. Some children were asked to bring sheets to wrap themselves in for protection. Unfortunately sheets are flammable, so it would have been like wearing a giant kleenex and jumping into an active volcano. These days almost everyone is getting nuclear weapons, and for the most part they hate us. While we laugh at our naive attempt to avoid annihilation in the past, at least we took it seriously. President Obama unveiled a policy that limits the U.S. using nuclear weapons under certain circumstances. Having a weapon and telling your enemy you won't use it invites aggression doesn't it? Maybe we should go back to having drills and cowering under wooden objects. We may not survive, but crouching down will make it easier to kiss your ass goodbye.

Stop stimulating me!

Hey! Get your mind out of the gutter. I am talking about those "stimulus plans" that politicians claim are necessary. Do you remember that saying "a politician and our money are soon parted"? Let's examine how those fools and our tax dollars were parted.
$866,000. To find out how to control flies in stables.
I thought that's what tails are for. They have been swatting flies off their asses for centuries.
$4,417453. For wool research in Montana, and Wyoming.
How about making sweaters, they're freezing there!
$95 million researching the uses for wood.
I thought they figured that out years ago. No new products were developed. I guess they can make ventriloquist dummies with the leftovers.
$951,500 for street lights in Detroit.
With all the boarded up foreclosures the addicts need lights to see which houses sell crack at night.
$476,000 for a museum to teach children how to fly.
How about teaching adults how to fly. Remember the Northwest pilots who flew 1 and 1/2 hours past the airport before realizing it.
$465 million for a F-136 jet engine.
CBS news claimed "it was not necessary and not affordable". How could an engine not be necessary for a jet? Cause it already had one that worked!
You know I enjoy being stimulated as much as the next person (maybe more), but only a politician could ruin a wet dream.

*Statistics from Citizens against government waste*

Hang him first, and have the trial later.

I am confused as to why they wanted to try KSM (911 mastermind) in federal court. Attorney General Eric Holder said it was to "restore the integrity of our judicial system". Both President Obama, and Eric Holder assured us "he will be found guilty". I thought a person was innocent till proven guilty, at least that's what guilty people always say. I guess Harvard omitted that lesson from the curriculum. To make matters worse Holder said he won't be released even if he's found innocent. Duh! How does that "restore the integrity of our judicial system"? Reminds me of the spaghetti westerns where the sheriff would say "hang him first, we'll have the trial later". Where's Clint Eastwood when you need him? In order to try terrorists in federal court they must be mirandized, kind of hard in the Afghan mountains. Maybe we can send trial lawyers along with the troops. Remember the visa commercial. Trying KSM in NY 100 million dollars. Sending trial lawyers to Afghanistan, priceless.

Intelligent people

Intelligent people frighten me. Not because they use words I don't understand (although that's true), but because they're dangerous. To paraphrase Thomas Sowell "Stupid people cause little damage. It takes an ivy league genius to cause a catastrophe". Case in point the financial collapse of 2007. The most intelligent, respected leaders in government and the buisness sector didn't see it coming. It's like they were standing on the deck of the titanic and when their pants got wet figured a toilet backed up. Science czar John holdren co-authored a book called Eco-science in the 70's and claimed an ice age was coming (was he talking about the movie?), also a 150 ft. tidal wave would hit the U.S. by 2000 (broke my surfboard on that one dude). He is also director of the Woods Hole research center (not to be confused with another kind of hole). Cass Sunstein the White House officer of information and regulatory affairs said animals should be able to bring suit (sue humans). Talk about a kangaroo court. I guess it's a good thing the Colonel is dead, otherwise KFC would be Kentucky Fried Chickpeas. Of course the animals would be represented by humans, they can't afford law school. Intelligent people, they said the titanic was unsinkable, they sank the economy, and make jury duty a day at the zoo.

Global Warming Pyschics

Good morning, pyschic hotline how may I help you? (caller) Yes, I'd like to know the weather 100 years from now. Sounds ridiculous? Of course it is. If your not brain dead you would have realized that every global warming catastrophe that was predicted to occur up to 2010 hasn't. Remember how the science czar predicted an ice age and a 150ft. tidal wave by the year 2000? Sold my beachfront home because of that jerk. Three additional U.N. climate change claims: 1) 55% of the Netherlands is under water (The Dutch claimed 26%). 2) The Himalayan glaciers would disappear by 2035 (evidence suggests they will be around at least 300 years). 3) Global warming would affect rain in Northern Africa, cutting crops by 50% by 2020 (no evidence whatsoever), were rescinded by the U.N. and Pachauri (U.N. chairman) admitted they were mistakes but the "science is settled". I am not saying global warming doesn't exist. I am saying outrageous, unsubstantiated catastrophic predictions destroy any credibility on the part of the IPCC. If you want to know the future you'd have better luck with a credit card and a toll free number.

Caution:Social programs at work.

Scientific American magazine recently ran an article that stated food stamps cause obesity. I must admit my ignorance on the subject, I didn't know my taxes provide junk food to poor people in effect causing them to become obese, get diabetes, hypertension and cancer. Is this how social programs are supposed to work? No wonder we need universal healthcare. We have to treat all the poor people we made ill with the food stamp program. That's the problem with social engineering. It requires more engineering to fix the damage the previous program caused. The next time you drive by a dilapidated city housing project imagine seeing a sign that says "Caution:Social programs at work".