Politically Correct?

Politically correct (PC) people manipulate language to accommodate the sensitivities of individuals. Like when a suave politician is confronted with a tough question he offers an obtuse answer to avoid offending anyone. In effect he says nothing of substantive value. Tough questions require tough answers and someone inevitably will be hurt. So now a short, skinny, four eyed, whitey like me is now referred to as a vertically challenged, calorically restricted, Caucasian with optical impairment. Give me a break! Grow up and accept the things in life you cannot change. No one should be discriminated against, but common sense must take precedent. Midgets shouldn't sue to be in the NBA. Weaklings shouldn't sue to be in the NFL, and girls shouldn't sue to be in the Boy Scouts (although it's okay if they sneak into your camp at night). Imagine the police issuing an APB with this PC description "XY gened human, - 50% average median height, + 75% average median weight, melanocytic nevus on left cheek, talipes equinovarus of the left foot, extreme kyphosis, pigment deficient. Politically incorrect description. Short, fat, hunchback, Albino male with mole on left cheek, and clubbed left foot. Which one leads to an arrest? One day some PC ignoramus will walk up to you and say "put your labia oris on my gluteus maximus" you tell them "KISS MY ASS".

Love Stinks

Walk through any park and you will see lovers holding hands and kissing. Me I'm thinking a murder suicide waiting to happen. You can relate to that can't you? C'mon, how many of us haven't broken up with lovers who would rather see us buried up to our neck in fire ants, or hurtling headlong into the grand canyon. The fact is most violent murders and assaults occur between people in love. Remember Lorena Bobbit? She cut off her husbands penis and threw it out the car window. Nearly hit me while I was waiting for the bus. Ugh! How about the village butcher? He cut up his girlfriend and made soup out of her. Won an award for the recipe I'm told. Yes there is a thin line between love and hate. Not only is it thin, it is about as strong as wet toilet paper. Throw a life insurance policy in the mix and they'll be dead before the ink dries. Lots of people ask me "why does love start out so good and end so bad"? Well how do I know, I'm not a psychologist. Love stinks, just like the song says.

Living in a material world.

Does anyone remember Imelda Marcos the President of the Philippines wife? It was rumored she had over 3,000 pairs of shoes. Damn, and I thought my closet was crowded. She eventually opened her own shoe museum. Boy, won't the kids be mad you took them to Disneyland instead. Like all women she still complained to her husband, "I have nothing to wear". Poor guy dropped dead. Considering the Philippine people on average live below the poverty level, how did she not feel guilty flaunting so much wealth? How about the Sheikhs of Saudi Arabia. They have so much money they can buy property in N.Y, drive around in gold trimmed Rolls Royce cars, and are some of the world's wealthiest rulers. So why are they walking around wearing a hijab (literally translated as curtain)? It's the 20th century, even the Romans don't wear togas any more. Maybe it's so the average Saudi who lives in a home that looks like downtown Baghdad after it was leveled won't be jealous. History is riddled with leaders who spend their time building monumental palaces, gardens and memorials to themselves, all the while their people live in squalor and starve. Living in a material world, not bad if you own all the material.

Happiness is a warm gun. (Mature audiences only!)

In the wild west men had a special relationship with their handguns. Their guns were hung low, strapped to their leg, and always loaded. When a stranger moseyed into town it was evident you had a long barrel that meant business. Plugging that city slicker full of lead meant business was good. As a reward a visit to the local wench was in order. You could say the six shooter was an extension of the penis. It was always ready to be pulled out, aimed, and fired. Occasionally it failed to fire, (projectile dysfunction) or misfired causing embarrassment, (premature trigger syndrome). Far too many times it's accuracy was off causing the little lady to let out a shriek. After being spent it was wiped, cleaned, and returned to it's holster. Like a campfire in the cool evening, happiness is a warm gun.

Keep your stinking hands off my colon pilgrim!

There is a group of annoying people whose sole purpose is to monitor my colon. First they changed my cereal, rice, and pasta by making them high fiber. Then they ruined my ice cream and cheesecake by making them lowfat. Next on their agenda, high fiber pigs knuckles, organic spam, and whole grain bacon. These are the same jerks who tell me to exercise regularly, sleep 8 hours, and drink 8 glasses of water a day. What am I a fresh water trout? Then they implied I don't have enough bowel movements. I'm still trying to find that webcam they must have installed in my toilet. They say the Duke (John Wayne) died with 40 lbs. of impacted fecal matter in his intestines. Once his doctor asked him to schedule a colonoscopy and he said, "keep your stinking hands off my colon pilgrim".

Livestock Made Global Warming

We've all heard about A.G.W. (man made global warming), but did you know about L.M.G.W. (livestock made global warming)? I am told the farts and belching of livestock is a large contributor to greenhouse gasses (no pun intended). The government in it's infinite wisdom tried to tax the emissions of these bovine gas bags. Unfortunately no one was brave enough to install the monitoring devices. Well how about senior citizens? Older people seem to pass more gas because their digestive systems slow down as they age. How about charging them a tax for their contribution to global warming? What would the tax be called? How about the Federal Asset Recovery Tax, known as F.A.R.T. The E.P.A. would set limits and charges similar to taxing carbon emissions. The question is how would it be measured? Several proposals have surfaced. A specialized gas gauge was developed, except you would be charged for emptying your tank not filling it. What about a meter like they have in cabs? You would pay 2.50 for the first fart, and .25 each additional fart (no charge for waiting time between farts). How about a system like EZ pass called EZ gas. An electronic device would register every fart and deduct the money from your account. Yes I am being facetious, but with a 12 trillion dollar deficit and growing this congress will be forced to tax us to death or until they have sucked all the air out of us. Already they are considering the V.A.T. (Value Added Tax). Who knows the F.A.R.T. may not be far behind (pun intended).

                                                                     

Scary monsters

They are in your closet and under your bed. Watching, waiting, ready to steal your soul while you sleep. You remember them from your childhood nightmares, and as an adult you are still haunted by them. Remember the bride of Frankenstein? She was brought to life by thousands of volts of electricity. It stretched her face tighter than Oprah's sweat pants and gave her face a ghastly glow. Thats Nancy Pelosi the botox filled, reanimated corpse bride. Those constantly blinking eyes are the result of the lightening strikes that gave her life. Harry Reid is Frankenstein the creature made from multiple cadavers. Unfortunately they were all taken from a nursing home, Igor still has a problem getting good stiffs. The scariest of all is Baracula, who sucks the life out of every taxpayer with his insatiable thirst for spending and social programs. A protest was organized by the peasants of the village. They carried signs, and posters to Baracula's castle at 1600 Transylvania Ave. Unfortunately Baracula's press secretary came out to give a speech and bored the peasants to death. The massacre of the townspeople was horrific. Those teabagger, rednecks, angered Baracula so much he refused to acknowledge they were legitimite, like the Fox network. Young or old, rich or middle class, they are still after you, those scary monsters.