Feminuts

I'm hanging mighty low

There is a new accesory for your vehicle called truck nuts. One owner 65 year old Virginia Tice was issued a $445.00 ticket because the police claimed they were obscene*. Personally I think they are hilarious, besides how many women do you know who can get banged in the rear, and her nuts at the same time?

*http://hotair.com/archives/2011/08/03/important-does-the-first-amendment-protect-truck-nuts/

Can you hear me now!

Choke you bastards!

Thanks to a federal government plan called the Universal Service Fund poor people will be getting cell phones with 250 minutes a month for free. Who exactly do poor people need to call? Not their boss cause they don't have a job. Not their stock brokers or travel agents. In fact they don't even need a phone because the F.C.C. will be giving them free broadband service so they can Skype their friends from their free laptops. Inevitably the cost will be shouldered by those of us who actually pay for our cell and broadband service. It appears someone lied when they said there is no free lunch, I can only hope they choked on it.

http://www.nypost.com/p/blogs/capitol/free_cell_phones_are_civil_right_htTMcKQFrjdvyl9A6NHPdP#ixzz1TrgxELho

Split atom soup

The atomic chef's mushroom surprise

The food network is a very popular cable show, and while us amateurs may try to prepare some of the more exotic recipes one lunatic was using his kitchen to try and split the atom*. I don't know what channel he got the recipe from, but the ingredients are radium, americium, and uranium. These components aren't exactly what you'd expect to find in an average spice rack. As to the kind of pot he was cooking them in, I hope it was double walled with a liquid cooling chamber surrounded by at least three feet of concrete. We all know that splitting atoms can lead to a nuclear reaction, which is even worse than having a pressure cooker explode. Fortunately the authorities discovered what the atomic chef was trying to do and had him arrested. He was released on his own recognizance with 10 hours community service volunteering in the local soup kitchen. Hopefully he will only be allowed to split peas.


*http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2022333/Police-arrest-Swedish-man-tried-split-atom-KITCHEN.html

Can you tell me how to get, how to get to Syphilis Street

I was in Downtown Manhattan and came across a street sign named the "People With Aids Plaza". I thought it odd, and then wondered why weren't their other streets named after sexually transmitted diseases like Chlamydia Lane, Herpes Ave, and Genital Wart Way? Recently there were some protests about "Seven in Heaven Way" a street named for 7 fallen firefighters of 9/11*. Apparently some felt "heaven" was a violation of the first amendment. I guess they forgot about all the cities named after Christian saints like St. Paul, or the city of angels, Los Angeles. I don't know about you, but I'd be proud to live on a block called Seven in Heaven Way. Only an asshole would live on Syphilis Street. 

http://newsblaze.com/story/20110707061318zzzz.nb/topstory.html

Stupor heroes part deux

This polyester outfit has got to go

Marvel comics has killed off the original spider man, and created a new one who is part black, Latino, and gay*. Diversity in the workplace is a good thing, but I am wondering what kind of disaster can a gay save you from? A wardrobe malfunction, mismatched window treatments, or stale quiche seem to be poor plot lines for an action hero. One thing is for sure, if Superman came out of a phone booth Spiderman will be coming out of a closet.

*http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2021563/Marvel-Comics-reveal-new-Spider-Man-black-gay-future.html

The Brooklyn Hillbillies

A story surfaced over the weekend  concerning hillbillies living in Brooklyn's Prospect Park*. Apparently the miscreants were poaching wildlife, and cooking them over an open fire. Jethro Bodine was issued a ticket for illegal fishing and when questioned said "golly gee it's only cause there ain't no fish in the cement pond". His sister Elly May was arrested for crack possession, and her excuse was "everybody smokes crawdads, don't they"? Jed was arrested for discharging a firearm, and claimed he was looking for "black gold, Texas tea". Granny was the only one not taken into custody. Maybe because the police ran after they smelled her  homemade possum stew.



Jethro turn right at Park Slope

*http://www.brooklynpaper.com/stories/34/31/dtg_poachersbusted_2011_08_06_bk.html



Love Stinks

Walk through any park and you will see lovers holding hands and kissing. Me I'm thinking a murder suicide waiting to happen. You can relate to that can't you? C'mon how many of us haven't broken up with lovers who would rather see us buried up to our neck in fire ants, or hurtling headlong into the grand canyon. The fact is most violent murders and assaults occur between people in love. Remember Lorena Bobbit? She cut off her husbands penis and threw it out the car window. Nearly hit me while I was waiting for the bus. Ugh! How about the village butcher? He cut up his girlfriend and made soup out of her. Won an award for the recipe I'm told. Yes there is a thin line between love and hate. Not only is it thin, it is about as strong as wet toilet paper. Throw a life insurance policy in the mix and they'll be dead before the ink dries. Lots of people ask me "why does love start out so good and end so bad"? Well how do I know, I'm not a psychologist. Love stinks just like the song says.