Out of sight

I recently got a prescription for Viagra, and failed to read about the side effects on the warning label. Yesterday I woke up next to this woman. They sure weren't kidding about the vision problems.

We're The Fukawi's



We makem left, right?

There was a classic t.v. sitcom in the 60's called F-Troop. It took place in the old west, and the Hekawi Indians were an integral part of the satirical comedy. Their name derived from the fact they were lost and wondered "where the heck are we". Well recently the Mexican army got lost and mistakenly crossed into the U.S.*. The border patrol saw they were dark skinned, and figured they were Indians. They sent them to the reservation after they thought they heard them say "where the fuck are we"?

*http://townhall.com/video/mexican-army-convoy-mistakenly-crosses-us-border

The name game

First it was global warming then it was climate change. First it was war then it was kinetic military action. First it was Al Quada then it was ... Well we'll never know since Bin Laden is dead. It's weird that both terrorists and the association for community organizations for reform now (Acorn)  think by changing their name they could fool the gullible masses. I don't give a crap if Al Quada changed their name to the Jehovah's Witness. I still wouldn't answer the door when they knocked!

http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2011/06/24/501364/main20073974.shtml

Easier than voting them out.

I remember reading that prostitutes in Copenhagen were offering sex for free during the climate change summit*. No solid agreements were reached after all the negotiations. Why you ask? No agreements means more summits, more summits means more free sex. Free vacations to Denmark on the public's dime, and the taxpayers aren't the only ones they'll be screwing. Damn those prostitutes, they raise your body temperature and the earths. Well free sex is one way to get rid of those idiots in Washington, and it's even easier than voting them out.

* http://www.spiegel.de/international/zeitgeist/0,1518,665182,00.html

Beating poverty

No penalty for early deposits!

Every country has developed a program to help it's poor. Whether it's welfare, workfare, food stamps, or taxing rich people, they are all doomed to fail. People need to be empowered, to take matters into their own hands so to speak. That's where sperm donation comes in. California's Cryobank pays up to $100. per deposit. Just think of all the money you flushed down the toilet in your youth. Business has climaxed 20% in this current recession, and even Bill Clinton secretly signed up. When it became public knowledge he claimed "I did not have sexual relations with that hand". Don't be an idiot working the dull 9 to 5, sperm donors are beating poverty one jerk at a time.

French foolishness

France always seems to amaze me. They recently passed a law against "psychological violence". A crime punishable by up to 3 years of prison and up to a 75,000 euro fine. What they haven't figured out is what "psychological violence" actually constitutes. In fact insulting your spouse may be a punishable offense. Imagine you claim your wife is terrible in bed and she files a complaint. At the trial your wife will have to demonstrate that she is good in the sack. I guess she'll be hoping for a hung jury. It will be a long, hard trial as there will be many motions, and the judge may require her presence in his chambers. If she is ugly he certainly will hold her with contempt. The upside to this foolishness is France will never have to worry about people ducking jury duty anymore.
http://www.nytimes.com/2010/06/30/world/europe/30france.html

The hole truth

The F.D.A. will require new graphic warning labels on in cigarettes in 2012. Maybe they should put disgusting warnings on other products like birth control pills since they don't offer protection against S.T.D.'s like condoms do. A picture of genital herpes lesions on the package might be a good idea. It probably won't stop people from having sex, and having a blow hole cut in your throat may not stop you from smoking either. In fact you just might start smoking two at a time.

http://www.fda.gov/TobaccoProducts/Labeling/CigaretteWarningLabels/default.htm

Taking a dump

A dating site for beautiful people recently dumped 30,000 members deemed to be too ugly. It's bad enough these people get dumped by their dates all the time, but getting dumped by a dating site is just plain wrong. At least they could have said "I'll e-mail you sometime".

http://www.myfoxny.com/dpps/news/offbeat/dating-site-causes-outrage-by-dumping-ugly-people-dpgonc-20110620-fc_13763177

Sticky fingers

All this time I thought the T.S.A. was searching passengers for weapons and bombs. Actually they were looking for valuables to steal according to a recent report. Some refer to this kind of activity as having "sticky fingers", and considering all the groping they perform on your privates you can understand why.

http://hotair.com/greenroom/archives/2011/06/20/tsa-theft-of-passenger-valuables-a-nationwide-problem/

Pig in a poke

Stem cell researchers have proved that pigs are capable of growing human organs. Recently it was revealed that a man who lost his penis in a farming accident donated his stem cells and had a new organ grown. The only problem is it shrinks when it gets hot.

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/science/science-news/8584443/Pigs-could-grow-human-organs-in-stem-cell-breakthrough.html

Beaner screener

The T.S.A. the most useless agency ever created has been caught profiling Hispanics in Newark airport. I honestly can't remember the last time a Latino tried to blow up a plane, unless you consider flatulence from beans a weapon of mass destruction. It may be possible the agents confused a Mexican pancho with a Middle Eastern hijab, and a brick of marijuana with a brick of C4 explosives, but Ay Dios Mio sounds nothing like Allahu Ahkbar.

http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2011/06/12/national/main20070709.shtml

Astronuts

Houston we have a problem.

America sent a Rhesus monkey named Albert into space on a V2 rocket in 1948. Sixty three years later Imanidiotjerk of Iran is attempting the same feat. Unfortunately every time they try to light the fuse the monkey blows it out.

http://www.news.com.au/breaking-news/iran-plans-to-send-monkey-into-space/story-e6frfku0-1226076634618

Great ball of fire

My balls are freezing!

You know that big fiery ball in the sky you see every morning, well scientists are now saying the sun may be going into hibernation until the year 2020*. What this means is we may experience a mini ice age. Who would have thought the sun had so much to do with earth's temperature? Not that glowball warming misfortune teller Al Gore. It may get so cold he'll have crystal balls, but still won't be able to predict the future.

*http://news.nationalgeographic.com/news/2011/06/110614-sun-hibernation-solar-cycle-sunspots-space-science/

Poop Tarts

Made fresh this morning!

A Japanese scientist has created artificial meat from human excrement*. He claims it's delicious, and nutritionally superior to beef, but as of now is incredibly expensive. I'm sure the green movement extremists will have no problem spending a fortune to dine on a bowel movement, after all they just love recycling. Maybe we should call them turdetarians**.

*http://hotair.com/archives/2011/06/16/video-japanese-scientist-discovers-amazing-inexhaustible-new-food-supply/
**A person who eats turd based food products.

Yee Ha!

Hey good looking, watcha got cooking?

Went to Times Square on Saturday and saw the "Naked Cowgirl". I always thought cowgirls looked like Mongo from Blazing Saddles, but this is one filly who will turn more than your neck red. The last time I was on 42nd street and saw a women with this little clothes on I had to pay a quarter.

http://www.nakedcowgirlny.com/photo.shtml

No use crying over spoiled milk

Don't drink the milk, it's spoiled!

In Bali a young boy named Alit was caught having sex with a cow. According to the Jakarta Globe newspaper the local villagers conducted a special ritual to cleanse Alit of his abomination. One of the requirements was that he marry the cow, but in the middle of the ceremony he fainted. Possibly he was worried as to how to place the ring on her hoof, or how the heck would he carry her over the threshold? Maybe he was concerned his neighbors would call his wife a "fat cow", and what if she became pregnant? The villagers would assume she was unfaithful, even if he claimed it was bull. In the end the ritual required that the cow be drowned in the ocean, and the young boy was symbolically drowned and cleansed. As usual the innocent suffer, but there's no use crying over spoiled milk.

http://www.thejakartaglobe.com/home/teenager-passes-out-marrying-cow-he-had-sex-with/380095 

Mr. Green



Toxic lake in Baotou China courtesy of neodymium mining.

        Okay enviro-nutjobs it's time to face reality. Your turbine windmill, and solar panel non polluting saviors of gaia require mining rare earth elements which create toxic lakes in China*. Also a new report claims "green" buildings are hazardous because they seal in contaminants**. Now I understand the expression "going green". It describes your skin color after being exposed to poisonous toxins. P.S. You're not saving the world, you're enviro-mentally ill!

Recipient of Green Technology

*http://www.dailymail.co.uk/home/moslive/article-1350811/In-China-true-cost-Britains-clean-green-wind-power-experiment-Pollution-disastrous-scale.html
**http://www.foxnews.com/politics/2011/06/08/green-buildings-hazardous-to-health-report-cites-risks-weatherization/

Better living through science

Like most Americans I take a pill to lower my blood pressure. I also take a pill to increase the blood pressure in my penis so I can have an erection, and then I take another pill to lower the pressure in my eye from glaucoma. Later I take a pill to reduce the pressure on my urethra from an enlarged prostate. Unfortunately it gives me headaches so I have to take a pill to reduce the pressure in my head. I also suffer from depression so I take a pill to relieve the pressure of day to day living, but then my boss told me I was being fired because I couldn't handle the pressure of my job. That's okay I am going to apply for disability. My lawyer says with all my medical problems I'll never have to work again. I guess all those pills really do work.

Oh Snap!

Everyone knows the food stamps program (SNAP) is riddled with fraud, except for the snapper heads who run it. A recipient recently bought 141.78 worth of lobster, porterhouse steaks, and mountain dew with his food card*. WTF! I'm clipping coupons, buying no frills brands, and our government is giving away free lobsters! No wonder we're headed for a depression. Mind you this is all perfectly legal, except that this low life sold it for half the price which is a felony. Ironically while in prison he will still continue to receive steak, but thankfully the only crustaceans he will get will be on his ass!

* http://www.lansingstatejournal.com/article/20110607/NEWS01/106070329/-1/RSS13

There's no need to fear, lawyers are here

Trouble at the border with drug cartels toting AK-47's? Don't bother calling the border patrol. Trouble with terrorists plotting to blow up N.Y.? Don't bother to have the C.I.A. waterboard them. There's no need to fear, lawyers are here. Like "Underdog"* they are the new superheroes fighting evil corporations, profiling police, and Governors who try to keep their state from being overrun by Mexican drug lords. When the B.P oil rig exploded the Commander in Chief went down to Louisiana not to coordinate a solution using the vast resources of the U.S. government. He went down to negotiate monetary compensation like all good attorney's do. Hail to the Lawyer in Chief who destroys the bad guys as any "action" hero would. Legal action that is.

*Underdog was an animated series from 1964. He was the canine equivalent of Superman. His motto was "There's no need to fear, Underdog is here".

Wall Street Bull

Took a trip to to Wall Street today and wound up at the bronze bull in Bowling Green. Many tourists were taking pictures under the bull's ass. Some couples were even kissing possibly mistaking the testicles for mistletoe. In reality after the bailouts of Wall Street it would be totally appropriate to have a memento of the ass that shit all over taxpayers. Remember the slogan "Merrill Lynch is bullish on America". Sorry for the typo it should be "Merrill Lynch bullshit on America!".

Holey Matrimony!

I may be old fashioned because I would never marry a woman with 6,925 piercings. Even weirder is that she has 1,500 internal piercings! I can imagine your honeymoon would be like having sex with a cheese grader.
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2001064/Worlds-pierced-woman-Elaine-Davidson-ties-knot-Edinburgh.html

I got a bigg mouth!

 Well not this big.
Isn't it surprising to see the kinds of mutilation people will endure to make themselves beautiful. Whether it's slicing your skin, putting a bone through your nose, or piercing your jaw with a javelin, the more pain the more beauty. In our advanced society the pain associated with beauty is administered by a Cosmetic Surgeon under anesthesia. So having your lips enlarged like Angelina Jolie is easy and pain free. Maybe having a bigg mouth like our friend in the picture is a beautiful thing. Although it can be embarrassing when the plate is removed and it sags like a pelicans pouch, but at least he can go swimming and fishing at the same time. Plus it's nice to know you always a have a plate handy when lunch is ready.

Palindrones

Sarah Palin is driving around the U.S. in a bus, and there are a bunch of mindless drones following her everywhere she goes. They claim to be news reporters, but for the life of me I can't figure out why they believe a person who currently holds no office, nor has had any major scandal is worthy of such attention. The Washington Post has acquired 24,000 pages of her e-mails to investigate. Why? It can't be that there is nothing else to write about. The economy is collapsing, the Middle East is ready to explode, and the world will end again for the third time according to Harold Camping in October. The biggest story they came up with so far is she supposedly screwed up the story of Paul Revere's ride*. Maybe it's because they're screwing up her ride.

*According to historical records Paul Revere was captured by the British and told them that 500 well armed Americans were waiting for them. While the details are debatable, she is at least partly correct.
http://legalinsurrection.blogspot.com/2011/06/suffolk-univ-history-prof-palin-right.html

Weinergates of Hell

Thou shalt not lie, Thou shalt not bear false witness, Thou shalt not bare thy weiner on twitter.

Leave my plate alone!

First we were told what to eat, and now we are told how they are to be arranged on our plate. I've got just one question, where's the section for SPAM?

Circumfurter

How about some condoments?

A Brooklyn sausage joint has been selling custom hot dogs named "Anthony's Weiners".  President Obama decided to download one as a show of support for his fellow Democrat. When questioned by reporters he claimed it was firm, juicy, and that the twitter picture didn't do it justice. Michelle Obama was very angry about the incident since she recently launched a new dietary guide for healthy eating. The President claimed it was okay since the Congressman is Jewish, and the weiner was healthy because it's Kosher. 
http://www.nydailynews.com/ny_local/2011/06/04/2011-06-04_eat_up_brooklyn_sausage_joint_der_kommisser_serves_anthonys_weiners_skewers_rep_.html#ixzz1ORmgUrqN
*Fine print: This story is the product of a warped individual and is fictitious.

Recipe for peace

In a world of terrorists, and tyrants what can a nation do to preserve peace? How about making cupcakes. British intelligence inserted a software code into Al Qaeda's English language magazine web site that redirected Jihadi's to a different web page. So instead of reading an article about bomb making they were given baking recipes. Smuggling homemade cup cakes onto planes and sharing them with passengers is certainly a recipe for peace, unless they were hidden in your underwear.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/06/03/british-spies-terrorist-bomb-cupcake-recipe_n_870882.html

Load of the ring

Rings have many purposes, but mostly are used to contain or control. For example boxing rings, napkin rings, those nasty rings in bulls noses, and of course the ultimate control freak the wedding ring. Considering the high number of divorces that may be one ring whose load is too burdensome to carry.

Weiner roast

Anthony Weiner, one of the biggest dicks in politics is embroiled in controversy over an obscene tweet he supposedly sent on twitter. This obnoxiously liberal loud mouth he has suddenly gone limper than a gelding now that the media is exposing him for the flaccid wimp he really is. Hopefully this putz will be thrown under the bus, or at the very least least driven out of N.Y. in a weinermobile.

Starbucking

Starbucks received an "A" rating from the N.Y. Health Dept, but when an investigator swabbed the counter he found yeast possibly vaginal in nature. He also found fecal matter so it's possible a little hanky panky took place where you enjoy your daily latte, and corn muffin. Maybe an employee was bucking for a raise, and that counter was where she made her proposal. After a little back and forth negotiations the boss closed the deal and forgot to clean up. He'll probably lose his license, but that yeast infection will make him more bitter than a double espresso.
http://hotair.com/greenroom/archives/2011/05/30/nyc-starbucks-that-received-a-grades-from-nyc-health-dept-found-teeming-with-fecal-organisms/

Wassup ur butt?

There was a billboard with the question "What's up your butt" on it. I figured it was sponsored by one of those gay organizations or possibly a Preparation H advertisement. I recently found out it was for colon cancer awareness. Many people thought it was in bad taste and it was taken down. Now the T.S.A. has adopted it as their motto when you enter a secure area. Unfortunately their idea of screening is even worse than a colonoscopy since they don't give you an anesthetic.
http://jammiewearingfool.blogspot.com/2011/05/whats-up-your-butt-billboards-scrapped.html