Fighting tooth and nail

A dentist had a fight with an 85 year old female patient over her dentures. Apparently her choppers were improperly fitted and causing her great pain. Consequently she requested a $900. refund which resulted in him assaulting her. During the tussle she bit him. The dentist was arrested thanks to granny taking a bite out of crime, and even with missing teeth she had a great deal of gumption.
http://www.thesmokinggun.com/documents/florida/dentist-arrested-for-denture-battle-394017

A memorable holiday

Memorial day is about remembering those who gave the ultimate sacrifice in defense of their country. So how did we celebrate it? Most went to a barbecue or the beach, but this year it was rob, and beat your fellow citizen to death day. Myrtle beach was inundated with crime, there was a riot in Long Island, Nashville had to close a water park because of fighting, and South Beach in Miami was called a "War Zone". I'm a little confused. Our service men and women died to preserve our safety, and we honor that by going to war with our neighbors. The word holiday is derived from the phrase holy day, and apparently some believe that means to shoot someone full of holes.
http://www.robinashley.com/2011/05/30/urban-weekend-turns-south-beach-into-a-war-zone-police-and-gunmen-shoot-it-out-video/

Don't give up your day job

We were told the world that the world would end on May 21, 2011 by Harold Camping of Family Radio. On Monday the 23rd I saw him on his television show and wondered why hadn't he quit? Thousands of people left their jobs, closed their business, and gave away all their money figuring it would be worthless once the end came. Not Harold, he was smart enough not to quit his day job. He may suck as a prophet, but boy does he know how to suck a profit.

Frankies Fanny

Fannie Mae, but my Fanny will.

Barney Frank enjoyed having his fanny worked over by his gay lover, and as a reward Barney got him a job working at Fannie Mae. This is the company that screwed the fanny of the American taxpayer out of billions of dollars. It's disgusting to think that this menage a trois will leave us sore and broken for years.
http://michellemalkin.com/2011/05/27/barney-franks-friends-with-benefits/

All night long

I just found out a study concluded men have erections 20% of the time while sleeping totaling about 90 minutes, and lasting on average 25 minutes. I knew I was good in bed, it's just when I'm sleeping.
http://www.scientificamerican.com/blog/post.cfm?id=sex-sleep-and-the-law-when-nocturna-2011-05-20

Mommy what's snow?

According to David Viner senior researcher at the East Anglia Climate Research Unit "...in a few years snow will be scarce, and children just aren't going to know what snow is". This was in March of 2000 and in ten years England had plenty of snow every year except 2002. So what happened when his prediction turned out to be false? He was promoted to head the British Council's Climate Program. In 2007 the E.P.A. concluded "Snow season length and snow depth are likely to decrease in most of North America...". So why did Al Gore state "... heavy snowfalls are completely consistent with what they have been predicting as a consequence of man made global warming"*. This guy must have been sucking on an exhaust pipe thinking it was a cigar. The title of this blog should be "Mommy what is a snow job", and the answer is every prediction made by the global warming misfortune tellers who propagate psycho-psychic-algoreistic-hysteria. This is a mental disorder that can only be cured by jetsetting around the world, driving in large entourages of S.U.V.'s, and lying through your ass. The only place that emits way too much green brownhouse gasses.

All that CO2 is giving me a headache!

*http://dailycaller.com/2011/02/11/is-al-gore-wrong-on-the-environment-global-warming-is-not-to-blame-for-snow/

Disorder on the Border

President Obama said Israel should return to the 1967 borders. Netanyahu should tell Obama to give back California to Mexico. After all the U.S. can't even defend it's border, unlike Israel who can. There's a saying "with allies like these who needs enemies"? Sounds like the Pres. is bordering on stupidity.

Fashion fail

You look mahvelous diaper head!

There is a new fashion for men called the "murban" or male turban. I guess a hijab is the next big thing for those who want to look like Bin Laden pre-Team 6. The only man I ever admired in a turban was Sinbad. He was a Persian who fought  skeleton warriors and killed the cyclops.The only thing this guy in the picture could beat is Joan Crawford in a beauty contest, and only because she's dead.
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-1389909/Will-man-wear-murban-How-Lagerfeld-trying-push-male-urban-turban.html

Driven by lust

Like a good husband I recently bought my wife a car. Yesterday I read Saudi Arabia is the only country in the world that bans women from driving. They claim the reason is that driving exposes women to sinful temptation by allowing them to mingle with mechanics and policemen. Well that explains the grease on my wife's jeans, and all those empty Dunkin Donuts boxes in the back seat.

Phony Baloney

Smuggling is a common occurrence along the U.S. Mexican border. Usually it is drugs or weapons, but recently a man was arrested for trafficking in baloney. Sounds like a politician. Everyone knows this  meat imitation can contain any number of odd components, and the F.D.A. is checking it for animal diseases. Because of the large number of  beheadings taking place by drug cartels some have gone so far to claim it isn't baloney, but head cheese. Those Mexicans will sneak into this country anyway they know how.
http://jammiewearingfool.blogspot.com/2011/05/nm-border-patrol-hits-mother-lode-385.html

Armageddon now!

The end is here! My wife caught me with the cleaning lady and IMAGETTIN in trouble!

The food police

Cameras are currently being installed in school lunchrooms. They will not be used to monitor violence, but to watch what students are eating. That's weird because when they go to prison cameras are also installed in the dining halls. There they will be monitoring violence since they already control what you eat. I guess school really does prepare you for the future.
http://hotair.com/greenroom/archives/2011/05/16/tx-schools-to-install-spy-cams-to-monitor-student-food-choices-at-lunchtime/

Arachnerection

It was discovered that the venom of a particular spider can cause men to have an erection for up to 4 hours. That led to the the expression do you have a spider in your pants or are you just happy to see me?
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/sciencetech/article-1363810/Spider-venom-cause-hour-erections-new-Viagra.html

Stew you

A cannibal was arrested in Moscow with a human liver in his fridge. It is claimed he contacted potential suicide victims via the internet and asked if he could eat them. Unfortunately after initially agreeing one intended victim backed out. The cannibal was furious, but even worse the victim was stewed.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/43060196/ns/us_news-crime_and_courts/

Ghost train

Well we had the bridge to nowhere, and now we will have the train to nowhere. In order for the California rail authority to qualify for funds they must break ground by 2012. Unfortunately the only place that is possible is in the small towns of Borden and Corcoran. Great, 6 people will be riding a billion dollar bullet train between ghost towns, and by the time they pick their seats it will be time to get off. I could think of better ways to use a bullet.
http://www.latimes.com/news/opinion/opinionla/la-ed-bullettrain-20110516,0,5409734.story

A dangerous game

I was recently down in Florida and had the pleasure of playing the extremely hazardous game known as golf. There were warning signs posted everywhere that read "Caution, poisonous snakes and alligators present". This was because this particular course had many water hazards. So when an old fogy went to retrieve his ball near a large pond I thought nothing of it till I heard a large splash. Later I saw his abandoned cart on the fairway, and never saw him again. On the 18th hole my friend Ira sliced a shot onto the adjacent highway. Later that evening the news featured a story of a 10 car pileup. A witness stated he believed it was caused by hale because it was the size of a golf ball. Some people say golf is not really a sport, but it may be more dangerous than skydiving without a parachute.

Jihadi, Jerkhardi

Hey is that a roll of shekels in your hijab?

Well it appears Bin Laden likes his porno, and enjoys a good blow job as much as he loves blowing up infidels. Also copies of Playgoat magazine were found in his compound, and now you know why their milk is so creamy. It was revealed his favorite song is Led Zeppelin's "Since I've Bin Laden Ewe". Apparently he is fond of sheep because their good for multiple flocks. A camel is only good for one hump. His wife was interviewed and said Osama asked if he could perform anal sex on her. She said you know I'm a Shiite, and I can sure Sheikh my booty, but your tent pole Bin Loafen, instead of jihadi try jerkhardi.

Busting out

It's a fact that men love female breasts. It may be the comfort that suckling a warm mass of milk producing glands brings. It may be the smell that evokes wonderful memories of infancy when life was simple and stress free. Even as adults we act childish when confronted with breasts especially large ones, and sometimes we offend their owners by our ogling. Are you even reading this or still looking at that picture?

Norma Stitz world record holder for largest breasts 73-1/2 WWW
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gSdbZrbiSCE&feature=player_embedded

Cars and women

Men love cars and women, but sometimes you can't tell which one they are talking about. For instance, I remember my first true love in 1985. I was the first to get inside her. I never abused her or rode her hard, and always made sure she was well lubricated. One day a stranger banged her in the rear, and after that I started to lose respect for her. It wasn't long before I decided to dump her. I heard she was crushed. Anyway I already had my eye on a new model. In a few months she started to give me trouble. She would stall when I wanted to ride her, and wouldn't even turn over. The last straw was when she started to smoke, and leak gas in the company of my friends. How rude! Cars and women, you can love them, you can dump them, but they both look great with their top down.

Regurgitated Beef

I am currently on vacation and discovered our resort does not have internet access. It doesn't have indoor plumbing either, but that's another story.  As a result the past weeks entries are what some call encore performances. I'll just call them regurgitated beef. Enjoy! It's better the second time around and repeats as often as my nagging wife.

Tiger "Woody" (Sexual language) *

For the uneducated a "woody" is an erect penis. So it is natural that a man with a insatiable appetite for women has the word "wood" in his name. A "wood" is also a type of golf club that is used for longer drives. So it is also natural for a man who handles a golf club with such dexterity, to also handle his woody just as well. In both scenarios the target is scoring multiple holes, and this is accomplished by strokes. So Tiger Woody played 18 holes in the day and 9 at night. The first 18 made him money and the other 9 took his money. The only difference is some holes took more strokes than others. Like Tiger Woody says "I jus luv dem holes".

* Tiger Woody is a fictional character. Any similarity to anyone living or deceased is coincidental. It is not the authors intent to insult or demean anyone other than politicians, lawyers, journalists, and other assorted fruitcakes.

The sentence of marriage.

Marriage vows can be summed up in one phrase "until death do us part". You may notice that a death sentence is also handed down for those convicted of capital offenses. The difference is that criminals are offered plea bargains, reduced sentences, or time off for good behavior. No wonder there is so much crime. In marriage your lucky if your wife cooks dinner. In prison you get three nutritious meals daily. In marriage your lucky to get basic cable. In prison you get all the sports channels. In marriage the only exercise you get is doing laundry, dishes, and cleaning the yard. In prison the yard consists of basketball courts, weights, and friendly trainers. In marriage you may ask your wife to shower with you and be quickly dismissed. In prison people are lining up to shower with you. The sentence of marriage, cruel and unusual punishment.

Wear clean undies!

I am not one complain, but this is a very strange world we live in. For instance the recent incident where a man had explosives in his underwear that caught fire. Question: Why does someone host a barbecue 30,000 feet in the air with smoked nuts and a roasted weiner? Answer: It's because the airlines cut back on meal service. Thanks to Richard Reid the sneaker bomber we have to take off our shoes at the airport. Will we now have to remove our underwear? The TSA agents will assume that stain in your shorts is a hazardous material, and will have to evacuate the airport. That's why your mom always told you to "wear clean undies".

Zombie Paradise

There is a reason the horror movie "Day of the Dead" was filmed in a shopping mall. It's the only place in the universe where brain dead people can wander aimlessly for hours and not accomplish anything. Occasionally you may see a male mannequin come to life. He is actually human, but has been immobile for extended periods of time while his wife tries on endless pairs of shoes. You may also see other men nodding continuously at their wives. Don't be alarmed it's not obsessive compulsive disorder. It's the bobblehead syndrome, and it is usually cured by a swipe of a charge card. Maybe the reason people spend so much time at the mall is because they mindlessly circle the same area over and over again. You know you can take a mouse with a brain the size of a pea, put him in a maze and he will navigate it successfully the first time. Humans who visit the mall every weekend need the directory just to get from one end to the other. Some evolutionary advantage. It really is a shame that in the movies the zombies always wind up at the mall. Generally they need to feast on brains, and that's the one place they will surely starve.

Capitalist pig

It was reported that evil Wall Street tycoons caused the 2007 "Great Recession" and that our free market economy is seriously flawed. So it is only fitting that capitalists have been skewered and hung over hot coals like uncle Bob's greasy ribs. Needless to say those same capitalist pigs have also enabled the average American "to bring home the bacon" in quantities that is the envy of every nation on this planet. Need proof? Look at how much food we waste every day, better yet look at our waistlines. It is true that many of our citizens are unemployed and are under tremendous pressure, but nothing equals the pressure our denim jeans are subjected to. Day after day size 30 jeans are forced to contain size 36 waists. The San Andreas fault doesn't endure that much pressure. Congress has suggested a move to a European style, heavily regulated economy. I like to refer to it as the "Mediterranean Economic Diet". Not only will you have less money weighing you down, you will have less food and finally lose those last stubborn 45 pounds you've been dying to get rid of. Socialism may be good for some, but for the rest of us nothing matches the exquisite taste of the Capitalist pig: The other white meat, mmm mmm mmm!

Mechanically screwed

I really hate that guy who fixes my car because the bill is always double the amount of the estimate. When I ask why he gets indignant and says "your lucky I didn't charge you more", and then hands me some greasy parts he supposedly replaced. My car is only two years old yet the parts look like they came from a 1908 Ford Model T. So I'm standing there with oil dripping down on my new Nike's and this guy expects twice as much money and a thank you. This is in spite of the fact that this is the third time I brought the car back for the same problem. I guess he figures if he replaces every single part eventually it will be the one causing the problem and I'll be satisfied. There ought to be a law against unscrupulous auto mechanics. Oh yea there is, it is called sodomy.

Institoot for hiya lernin

Rutger's University hired "Snookie" the drunken slut of the hit show Jersey Shore to speak on their campus. She was paid $32,000. to explain how to perform oral sex on a guy while downing a 40 ounce Budweiser, and how to shove multiple packs of franks between your legs so you wouldn't have to pay for them at Walmarts. Her closing remark was "study hard, but party harder". When they refer to a institute of higher learning they clearly mean the faculty is on crack.
http://www.cnn.com/2011/SHOWBIZ/celebrity.news.gossip/04/01/snooki.speak.at.rutgers.ppl/index.html

Love is in the air

AlQueda has a new magazine for woman featuring tips on beauty and health. Although I don't see the purpose of wearing makeup when your face is hidden. Besides a veil covers up pock marks, and  giant warts better than Cover Girl cosmetics anyway. As for being healthy there is a whole section dedicated to running. It helps when the whole village is chasing you to have you stoned. There are very few articles on sex. It's hard enough for a normal woman to have an orgasm, imagine how hard it is after they have had their genitals mutilated. It shouldn't be a surprise these women desire to marry suicide bombers. It will probably make them feel better knowing that the rotten bastards will be blown to smithereens. Love is a many shrapneled thing.

Where's the beef?

Taco Bell was sued because a plaintiff alleged their "seasoned ground beef" did not meet U.S.D.A. standards. Well there's a surprise, I thought they were using chihuahua meat because you don't see that cute little dog in their advertising anymore. I guess Taco Bell is not authentic Mexican food. http://www.foxnews.com/health/2011/01/25/wheres-beef-taco-bell-sued-ingredients/

Laden to rest

We interrupt this blog for a special announcement, Osama Bin Laden has been laid to rest courtesy of the C.I.A. and Navy Seals. His body was dumped in the ocean, and hopefully his followers will be joining him shortly. They say vengeance is a plate best served cold, but I hope the good Lord is cooking him up crispier than the Colonel's secret recipe. We now return you to our regularly scheduled idiocy.

More than a feeling

Susie Castillo the former Miss America of 2003 complained her vagina was fondled by the T.S.A. in Dallas. What did the agent say? 1) He claimed he was a gynecologist in training, and was doing her a favor because he found a polyp. 2) He claimed she was smuggling contraband in her body cavity. Turned out to be his missing ring. 3) He claimed he wanted to feel up an adult female for a change.
http://www.infowars.com/miss-america-sexually-molested-by-tsa/