Take the last train to Schmucksville

Whoo Whoo!

Joe Biden's vision of the future is transportation that was developed in the early 19th century, and was borrowed from the Stanley Steamer. Coincidentally Amtrak riders who take the Texas Eagle are pretty steamed when you consider that it's on time record is a miserable 14.3%. At that rate you probably can walk there faster in a leg cast. Even Amtrak's C.E.O. Joe Boardman had to drive a car to the V.P.'s ceremony when his train get stuck in Baltimore*. If your plans of "seizing the future" include being late and getting stuck, well that's one loco motive. Next stop Schmucksville, all aboard!

http://www.npr.org/2011/03/22/134755638/The-Last-Word-In-Business

Paying for pussy

Question: What do Charlie Sheen and I have in common? Answer: We both pay for pussy. When anchor babies are born in America my tax dollars pay to have them removed from pussies. Those free condoms the city provides mean I also pay for things to be put in pussies. When pussies get aids and other S.T.D.'s from putting things in that didn't belong there in the first place my taxes pay for their medication and hospitalization. With all this pussy paying I haven't had one orgasm, but at least Charlie is making up for it. He's having enough sex for 2+1/2 men. No wonder he looks so shot.

Iguana be President.

I just heard NEWT Gingrich plans on running in 2012. His motto is "Iguana be President", and if elected he will be the first Salamander in Chief. His campaign is being financed by Wall Street's Gordon Gecko.

No fry zone

The U.S. entered into a military conflict due to a mis-communication at the White House. Michelle Obama and her healthy food initiative was responsible for promoting a no fry zone which the president misinterpreted and promptly launched hundreds of Tomahawk missiles into Libya. Good thing she didn't mention anything about Chinese food. 1.3 billion angry people is even worse for your health than Mickey D's fries.

Multiple choice question

President Obama arrived early at the White House Wednesday, and found himself locked out*. After fumbling around aimlessly (like his foreign policy) what happened next?
A) Andy Stern had an extra key, and let him in**.
B) The D.C. police "acted stupidly" and let him in.
C) The President said "it was like Special Olympics, or something"***.
     *http://politicalwire.com/archives/2011/03/24/obama_locked_out.html
   **http://blogs.wsj.com/washwire/2009/10/30/seius-stern-tops-white-house-visitor-list/
*** http://www.mtv.com/news/articles/1607391/president-obamas-special-olympics-joke-lands-him-hot-water.jhtml

Toilet tax

The mayor of Omaha is thinking of imposing an additional tax on toilet paper as a way to pay for sewer improvements. We used to joke about the government taxing the shit out of us. Well this is about as close as they can get.

http://www.omaha.com/article/20110323/NEWS01/703239866

You have the right to read your own rights

Well it seems the Dayton police department is lowering it's testing standards. Apparently not enough minorities are qualifying even though passing is only 66% and 72% on the two part test, not exactly a high standard to begin with. The new requirement is the equivalent of a D and F grade. By this we can assume that criminals will not be read their miranda rights, they will have to read them themselves.

http://dailycaller.com/2011/03/12/dayton-police-lower-standards-f-now-a-passing-score-for-recruits/

Idiotas!

If you are in Mass. and you call for an ambulance the first question the EMT's will ask is are you Hispanic/Latino/Spanish? I will answer no I am ill you idiot, and that's why I called! Why would I call for an ambulance just because I'm Spanish?

http://michellemalkin.com/2011/03/13/call-an-ambulance/

Happy pie day!

As you all know today is March 14. This date is symbolic of the mathematical formula Pi (3.14...) X the radius squared. We all know this is the method to determine the circumference of a circle, right? In honor of the equation that eludes most Americans, Whole Foods, Marie Callenders, and other pie sellers are offering big discounts. Not to be outdone prostitutes are also offering a buy one, and get another free. The only restriction is no sharing allowed, and eat out only. Hey maybe you can use that formula to figure out the circumference of their spinach pie.

http://www.walletpop.com/2010/03/12/free-pie-on-national-pi-day-march-14/

Nuke some ribs.

After the B.P. disaster the O'bama administration placed a moratorium on gulf oil rigs. When Japan had damage to their nuclear reactors from a massive earthquake Joe Lieberman said we should "put the brakes" on building new ones. What a bunch of pussies!  The KT extinction event caused the loss of 70-80% of all species on the planet*. By their logic if a similar event occurs we should consider a moratorium on living on earth. Our leaders are cowards who look at every catastrophe as fearful as primitive man did when first confronted with fire. Thanks to one man's bravery we learned how to barbecue. Maybe we should follow in his footsteps and nuke some ribs.

 *http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2008/01/080123125543.htm

True religion

Charlie Sheen has been fired due to his drug, alcohol, and behavior problems. His show Two and 1/2 Men earned Warner Brothers nearly a billion dollars since it's debut in 2003. In every episode Charlie climbs up on his pulpit and preaches that sex without love is a virtue, alcohol is the elixir of life, and lying is better than enduring the consequences of selfish desires. There is also the inferred drug use that occasionally pops up, but it is usually relegated to the prescription kind mixed with alcohol or the occasional joke. Warner Brothers whole-heartedly promoted this sit com, but when Charlie acts like the character he actually portrays they decide it's time to pull the plug. Mr. Sheen is one of the few people who practice what he preaches. It may be bad religion, but it's true religion.

Will you love me in the morning?

I never liked the United Nations and now I know why. Our tax dollars are supposedly used to fund world peace, but it seems they have some strange methods for accomplishing that lofty goal. At a recent U.N. conference the National Education Association promoted oral sex, masturbation, and orgasms. I guess they figure if you are having oral sex you can't say hateful things. If you are masturbating it's hard to shoot straight (a gun that is), and if you are having an orgasm you are more than likely to say I love you even if you don't really mean it. The question is will you still love Gaddafi in the morning?

http://hotair.com/greenroom/archives/2011/03/04/fistgate-goes-global-glsen-activist-promotes-masturbation-at-u-n-conference/

Love your heart

A new study has proven that staring at womens breasts is good for heart health. The only downside is that if my wife slaps me in the head one more time I will have a stroke.

Study: Staring at breasts increases heart health: MyFoxBOSTON.com

Your shitting me!

I've expressed my disgust over low flow toilets before, but this takes the cake. The enviro nut jobs of Coolifornia have finally reaped their harvest of discontent. It seems San Francisco smells like a septic tank thanks to the sludge that's blocked up their sewer. Someone should have told them that no matter how much tofu and bean sprouts you eat shit is still heavier than water. Less water equals more sludge, and more stench. So what's their solution? How about pouring 8.5 million gallons of bleach into a system that eventually ends up in the ocean. There is one upside, every time you go swimming your clothes come out cleaner than when you went in. Maybe they could throw in a little fabric softener for the irritation the tree huggers are experiencing.

http://sistertoldjah.com/archives/2011/02/28/breaking-san-francisco-stinks-literally/