A monkeys uncle

Dan working on a new blog

Well it's true I'm hairy and love bananas. I also hunch over a keyboard all day so pretty soon my knuckles will be dragging from poor posture. Recently I've noticed that I am constantly scratching myself, and my legs seem to be bowing more than usual. So I wasn't surprised when a new study claims I have a 97% similarity in D.N.A. to orangutans*. They are intelligent, artistic, and males have shown to be attracted to human females. Great, I've always had a hard time getting a date and now I got competition from the animal kingdom. Darwin was right I am a monkey's uncle. I think I'lll get my nephew a tire swing for his birthday.

*http://www.dailymail.co.uk/sciencetech/article-1350807/How-humans-97-orangutans-New-research-shows-DNA-matches.html

Sewercide bomber

Well I would never believe it, but the African country of Malawi has outlawed farting*. Amazing since the third world has more than it's share of offensive aromas, how could they possibly tell if someone passed wind? I guess if you let one slip out you can always blame it on a wildebeest, they smell like crapola anyway. In all honesty I have been known as a malodorous, methane factory myself which means if I go to Malawi I will probably be arrested for deploying a biological weapon of mass destruction. Interpol will designate me as the world's first sewercide bomber.

*http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1351174/African-country-set-make-breaking-wind-crime.html

Drill baby drill!

I have been avoiding my dentist for years, but recently he has come up a novel idea to reduce my fear factor. He has hired a young, buxom aide to distract me from the fact that he will be using high powered garden utensils on my inflamed gums and causing me unbearable agony. Like usual I will be open mouthed, drooling like an idiot while trying to make small talk with his busty young dental assistant. My numb lips will be spitting uncontrollably while I garble some inane nonsense like a spaz with Tourette syndrome. Of course she will be disgusted of me as most of woman are, but at  least she will see me again at my next appointment. I don't get second dates that often.

Sex ed

When I was growing up there was no sex ed in school, unless you counted the dirty pictures in the boys locker room. Here's where you learned things like if you masturbate you can go blind, or if you get the clap (syphilis) they beat your penis with a ruler to get the germs out. No wonder there were a lot of virgins in those days. These days kids get formal, nationally approved sex education. Recently a boy and girl who were second grade students performed oral sex on each other in front of the whole class*, and some children told their parents. Show and tell sure is different then when I went to school.

http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2011/01/21/BALV1HCLA4.DTL&tsp=1

Ancient Aliens, and Modern Idiots

There is a show on television called Ancient Aliens where scientists theorize that extra terrestrials visited our planet in the past. In fact they believe that pyramid building, mathematical formulas, and massive excavations were a byproduct of alien intelligence and intervention. Interestingly they quote many of the bible's verses, especially where Elijah is taken up into heaven in a chariot of fire (spaceship) 2Kings 2:1. These are the same morons who claim the bible is mythology and then quote it to bolster their theories! They believe an advanced race of super intelligent non-humans came to earth and helped create or influenced humans then left. Amazing since the bible claims a super intelligent non-human came to earth, created man, influenced him, and then left. Maybe I'll use their quotes to bolster my beliefs, but that wouldn't be scientific would it?

Go text yourself!

I find it extremely annoying when people are walking and texting at the same time. Inevitably you will have to move or else they will walk straight into you. Enough already! I should only have to move out of the way for the blind or the handicapped, not the obnoxious. So I found it very amusing when a lady who was texting fell into a fountain. Thanks to youtube I and millions of other people can enjoy watching her make a fool out of herself over and over again. You would think that she would learn from her mistake, but she has decided to sue instead. Like the idiotic woman who spilled hot McDonalds coffee on her vagina they figure everyone should pay for their stupidity. We don't need tort reform, we need tard reform.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OWtDpGM36J8

Sheriff Clarence Dopenik

I used to watch Don Knotts as deputy Barney Fife and thought " there couldn't be anyone this dumb in law enforcement". Well I was wrong. Sheriff Dopenik in spite of no evidence claimed Jared Loughner committed mass murder because of right wing radio nuts, and republicans. Shooting politicians rarely has anything to do with politics or vitriol, but it won't stop the intelligentsia from their inane babbling. An historical analysis indicates R.F.K was shot by Sirhan Sirhan who opposed his support of Israel, and killed him on the anniversary of the six day war. George Wallace was shot by Arthur Bremer a mental case. J.F.K was shot by Lee Harvey Oswald a commie who once defected to Russia. Gerald Ford was shot at by Squeaky Fromme a psychopathic follower of Charles Manson. Ronald Reagan was shot at by John Hinckley a  basket case in love with Jodie Foster. It seems the mentally deranged have a natural attraction to politicians. Even the secret service concluded "It was very, very rare for the primary motive to be political".* If Clarence Dopenik was investigating the murder of a rich socialite he would probably conclude that the butler did it.  Deputy Fife would never make that mistake, there were no butlers in Mayberry.

* http://www.npr.org/2011/01/14/132909487/fame-through-assassination-a-secret-service-study

Acting stupidly

 Congresswoman Gabrielle Giffords (D-Ariz) was shot on 1/8 and Paul Krugman of the N.Y. Times said "We don't have proof yet that this (the shooting) was political..." but then blamed Sarah Palin for having Giffords on her infamous crosshair's list. In other words targeted. He forgot to tell you the Democrats had also used a bullseye when they targeted Republican districts (see map below), and the Daily Kos the left leaning website put a bullseye on Giffords for failure to vote for Pelosi. A blogger on the same site said she was dead to him. After these events transpired it was taken down.* Targeting opponents is a natural strategy in politics. The purpose is not to kill them, but remove them from office and both sides use it. Even if it was politically motivated evidence from the shooter Jared Loughner indicates the "Communist Manifesto" and "Mein Kempf" were some of his favorite books, and his on line journal said "No I won't trust in God". Quite at odds with followers of Palin and Beck. The man was deranged and any thing could have set him off, but to assign blame without proof reminds me of another incident where Pres. Obama said "The Cambridge police acted stupidly" after he admitted he didn't have all the facts. Apparently people don't care how ignorant they sound as long as their voice is heard.

The Democrat targeting strategy map (shown) uses bullseyes. Sarah Palin's used crosshairs. *To see the Daily Kos scrubbed post go to http://hillbuzz.org/2011/01/08/my-congresswoman-voted-against-nancy-pelosi-and-is-now-dead-to-me-eerie-daily-kos-hit-piece-on-gabrielle-giffords-just-two-days-before-assassination-attempt-on-her/
Notice a bullseye assigned to Giffords district, and the blogger claims she is "now is dead to me". No one would believe he actually desired her to be assassinated.