Cliff notes for politicians

Remember when you were in school and you were required to read "Wuthering Heights". Well if you were like me you fell asleep before you got through the first chapter. Fortunately there were Cliff Notes. They were the readers digest version of those so called classics. Why hasn't someone written them for our recent spate of legislation? How about a version for Obamacare? Most who voted on it never read it like Rep. John Conyers who said he couldn't understand it. I had the same trouble with War and Peace, even though it was probably shorter than the health care bill. How about the Arizona Immigration Law which Obama, Holder, and Napolitano admitted they hadn't read. In spite of their ignorance they still criticized it. It was less than ten pages! Cliff Notes could have reduced it to a paragraph. Maybe our representatives are smarter than we think. If they actually read anything they would be responsible for what they say. A smart politician is one who is never responsible for anything.

Gimme some of that Obama money!

When I was a teenager I would ask my father for a couple of bucks and he would say "do you think money grows on trees"? I would then reply "well it is printed on paper which comes from ...", and before I could finish I would promptly get a boot in the ass. Well where does money really come from? 24% of the people believe the government gets money from somewhere other than taxpayers. Maybe the tooth fairy brings it? If so there must be trillions of people wearing dentures. Maybe the French paid us back all the money they owed us? Fat chance. Maybe G.M. made a fortune selling autos overseas and we made a profit from their bailout? Keep dreaming. Maybe China invested a fortune in our treasury bills. Nah, that would be like buying stock in Enron after it went bankrupt. Someone claimed the government has a giant mechanical machine that makes money. Well if that fantasy is true, gimme some of that Obama money!

Evolutionary relativity

Who doesn't have friends or relatives with a few too many mutations in their DNA? Take uncle Bob for instance. When evolutionists claim man and ape are 98% identical, they always use him as an example. It's not just that he has more hair on his back than a great ape, or his incisors can cut through tree bark, or his arms are as long as his legs, although these things are true. It really comes down to intelligence. Animals of all kinds have demonstrated they are capable of using tools. The last time Uncle Bob used a hammer it nearly gave him a concussion and his eye is still swollen from the last time he mishandled a screw driver. How about Aunt Mabel, she stoops so low, and waddles back and forth so much she makes a chimp look downright elegant. Her breasts are flat like pancakes and reminds one of a National Geographic special on primates. Even worse she has not learned to groom herself as well as our jungle friends. Evolution is a supposed upward ascent to more intelligent and developed life forms. Apparently that is not based on any of my relatives.

You have the right to remain silent

These days you have a lot of rights. Miranda rights, arm bearing rights, free speech rights, and the right to lean left, but you don't have the right to remain solvent. You have the right to overspend, overcharge, be underwater on your mortgage, but don't show a profit or the I.R.S. will audit you. 47% of Americans pay no income tax, so why would you want to succeed and be punished? Why pay for someones benefit when they can be paying for yours? Me, I'm maxing the credit cards and buying a home I know I can't afford, because you'll wind up paying the mortgage anyway. That doesn't mean you can stop by any time you want, and don't bother complaining because you have the right to remain silent. That's the one right you don't use often enough.

Take my money, please

Rodney Dangerfield use to say "take my wife, please". His signature joke reveals he wasn't that fond of her. What about our hard earned tax dollars, are we fond of them? The government doesn't think so. In fact they have made every attempt to waste them, even going so far as giving Greece upwards of 50 billion dollars toward their bailout. Greece's public sector gets 14 months of pay for 12 months work, and retire at 53 years old. We have a 9.9% unemployment rate (actually 17.6%), and 40 million people on food stamps. Jokes are supposed to be funny, but at least the Greeks are laughing all the way to the bank.

Where are your papers?

When Cheech Marin asked Tommy Chong "where are your papers" it meant they wanted to roll a marijuana joint. Now it means they want to check your identification. Fine, except isn't identity theft the fastest growing crime? I could go down to the city housing projects and get a license that say's Barack Obama on it, so what. Personally I think most people don't like themselves anyway, maybe they should all get new identities. I'd like a license to kill with James Bond written on it. You know the world is a big place with a lot of ugly people in it. It is their intent to destroy us, our children, and our way of life. They are not just radical Muslims, they are pedophiles, rapists, murderers, and psychos. Whenever you go into a Federal Building you must present identification. I guess politicians think that's okay for their protection, not yours.

And now a word from our sponsor

Television viewers watch an average of 20,000 commercials each year. They should be reading and studying, but it's important to know that if you have an erection lasting over 4 hours you should see a doctor. So what do you do if it lasts only 3 hours, request a refund? At least I learned something from all those advertisements. After I visit the all you can eat burrito buffet I take Beano to keep my date from gagging. Thanks to depends my bladders drier than a Johnny Carson monologue. Preparation H soothes the unsightly itch and discomfort of my hemorrhoids, and keeps me from being the butt of my friends jokes. Listerine takes care of my bad breath, and Ban deodorant keeps me from smelling like a European. All in all I'm grateful that commercials have improved my hygiene, and my friends are even more grateful. I don't have a sponsor, but if I did I'd pick a personal hair trimmer. As I get older I find I have hair growing in the strangest places, kind of like an mutated Chia pet. Instead of Epilady maybe a product called Epiman from Sears. A three horsepower motor with stainless steel blades that reach deep into cracks and crevices, like a robotic arm on a bomb detecting device. After all no human would dare enter such a dangerous area.

Grapes of wrath

Wine, nectar of the gods, elixir of of eternal health and happiness. Well maybe not if your drinking Ripple, Boones Farm, or two buck chuck. Wine has been used it to celebrate, commemorate, and make our girlfriends forget they are virgins. That was before sex was as common as trash on a city street. So how hard is it to grow grapes and make a gold medal vintage? Well if your the French very hard, especially since two Californian wines won gold medals in France recently. While I dislike weasels as much as the next guy, one has to wonder how that happened. Who else but the government could be responsible? They regulate the soil, water use, types of grapes, how it's grown, where it's grown, and every aspect of harvest and fermentation. That's French Socialism for you, destroying their greatest contribution to mankind by turning wine into rotten grapes, and making their citizens just as bitter. As for those smelly cheeses, they go great with a Chateau Smith Haut La feet. Just hold your nose.

Gotta black magic negro

Barack Obama has been referred to as the "Magic Negro" and like David Copperfield he can mysteriously appear out of thin air. Barack's work in Congress was uneventful, he never wrote or helped to write legislation, never headed any important committee, and yet one day he magically appeared as President. Like all good magicians he uses sleight of hand, and misdirection. He allows you to watch his movements, but you are looking in the wrong place. For instance Health Care is claimed to reduce the deficit, and allow you to keep your present plan. He made some of the C.B.O.'s statistics disappear, but when they reappeared they showed Health Care will increase the deficit. Already your employer is looking to save money by dumping you into a cheap co-operative plan. He also can make physical objects move, like your tax dollars being redistributed for social justice. They magically appear in someone else pocket. He also has a lovely assistant who helps him set up elaborate hoaxes, but tries to make them seem legitimate. The finale of his show is making enormous objects like tanks disappear. A budget cut to defense will surely do the trick. Barack the Magic Negro, coming to a sideshow near you.

Cars and women

Men love cars and women, but sometimes you can't tell which one they are talking about. For instance, I remember my first true love in 1985. I was the first to get inside her. I never abused her or rode her hard, and always made sure she was well lubricated. One day a stranger banged her in the rear, and after that I started to lose respect for her. It wasn't long before I decided to dump her. I heard she was crushed. Anyway I already had my eye on a better looking model. In a few months my new girl started to give me trouble. She would stall when I wanted to take her for a ride, and wouldn't even turn over. The last straw was when she started to smoke, and leak gas in the company of my friends. How rude! Cars and women, you can love them, you can dump them, but they both look great with their top down.

Objection overruled!

There have been allegations that the new Supreme Court nominee Elena Kagan might be gay. I don't see the problem because the male judges seem to be a little short in the testosterone department themselves. Their black robes look like something Italian women wear after their husband dies, a symbol of perpetual mourning. So when you see a man wearing it you start to question their sexuality. In fact in many countries the male judges wear wigs, and the widows robe. Justice may be blind, but even the jury can see they look like they're either gay, female impersonators, or heading to a masquerade party after court. If you google "lady justice" the statue that stands outside court houses, you will find that it is based on the Roman goddess "Justita". It also has the equivalent of the Greek goddess "Dike". Rather prophetic isn't it? Ms. Kagan's sexual orientation should not prevent her from being appointed. After all women are constantly judging us anyway. Objection overruled!

Comedy can be dangerous

Freedom of expression is a beautiful thing, unless your the staff at comedy central. The South Park episodes concerning Mohammed have all been censored. These brave defenders of speech, mocking every group, culture, and religion have suddenly gone soft, impotent, and frightened that they will incur the wrath of diaper headed bombardiers parking their smoking SUV's outside their head office. Maybe those propane tanks in the back seat were for a barbecue, or possibly it was a tail gate party gone awry (damn rednecks). It can't be terrorism because terrorists don't know how to light explosives. Richard Reid the shoe bomber couldn't get his sneakers to light, Abdulmutallab couldn't get his underwear to light (I guess skid marks are fire retardant), and Shazad couldn't get his pathfinder to light. I once lit a cigarette and my car exploded and I wasn't even trying to blow anything up! So now Mohammed is off limits, never to be spoken, written about, or joked about again. Well maybe that's a good thing, no one wants to see any one hurt or maimed, but people do stupid things all the time and they think they are being funny. Just goes to show, comedy can be dangerous.

Beware of Greeks.

It is hard to imagine how a culture that was the birthplace of mathematics could not balance it's own checkbook. I still hate the Greeks for inventing pie r square (Pi radius square, the formula to determine the circumference of a circle). A concept I still don't understand to this day. Even worse than that pie was the spinach pie. Apple, cherry, blueberry's okay, but spinach, ugh! So after years of high living, the Greeks have found themselves in a hole. No not that one, I wasn't referring to the sexual act named after them. Maybe that's why they use so much olive oil. Anyway what happened to guys like Plato, Aristotle and Socrates? Now Greece is filled with moronic, maniacal, anarchists who burn banks, and riot in the streets. The Trojan Horse led to a famous expression "Beware of Greeks bearing gifts". Thanks to the bailout by the E.U. and I.M.F the saying has changed to "Gift bearing Nations get Greeked".

U.S. Department of Parental Control

Hello, you have reached the U.S. Department of Parental Control. Press 1 if you would like to read to your child. Please note all reading material must be approved by the Dept. of Education. Religious material is in violation of Federal code 32b and is subject to confiscation. Press 2 if you would like to discipline your child. Please be aware Child Services prosecutes spanking or any method of corporal punishment. Offenders may be subject to fine and or imprisonment. Press 3 if you would like to give them a snack. Remember snacks must adhere to FDA guidelines, no msg, trans fat, excessive salt or calories are allowed. All calls are recorded for training purposes and may be subpoenaed for criminal prosecution. Have a nice day... Sounds ridiculous, I don't think so . In fact the government believes you are incapable of even doing the basic child rearing activities. You feed them junk that makes them obese. You destroy their minds with religious superstition and discipline them with cruel, outdated methods that turn them into violent criminals. Only regulation over every aspect of their lives can develop a socially just, environmentally friendly, humanistic member of the global community. This is your tax dollars at work, making the world a better place to live because you can't.

Beating poverty

Every country has developed a program to help it's poor. Whether it's welfare, workfare, food stamps, or taxing rich people, they are all doomed to fail. People need to be empowered, to take matters into their own hands so to speak. That's where sperm donation comes in. California Cryobank pays up to $100. per deposit. Just think of all the money you flushed down the toilet in your youth. Business has climaxed 20% in this current recession, and even Bill Clinton secretly signed up. When it became public knowledge he claimed "I did not have sexual relations with that hand". Don't be an idiot working the dull 9 to 5, sperm donors are beating poverty one jerk at a time.

Titanic disaster

The ship is sinking, the people are panicking, but the captain's busy hitting golf balls on the main deck. We've just hit an iceberg called "the great recession" and the crew is concerned that the illegal stowaways are being unfairly treated. The engineer is worried the engine is leaking oil and damaging the environment. The medic is concerned that too many poor passengers are using the emergency room. The electrical engineer is worried about wasting energy, and runs around shutting off unused electrical devices. The captain gets on the intercom and speaks for 17 minutes after being asked "should we abandon ship"? This vessel is named America and it is truly a titanic disaster.

Beware the elderly*

As a child I was a victim of my grandfathers cane on numerous occasions, but normally the elderly only use it to maintain their balance. It is also rare to see someone in the emergency room with a set of dentures embedded in their flesh. One can conclude it is highly unlikely to be attacked or terrorized by a senior. That is unless you are a journalist for the main stream media, or a democrat. After the constant barrage of claims of violence, racism, and bigotry by tea party participants they finally got around to compile some statistics. They found tea party participants were mostly over 45, affluent, and had better than average education (New York Times), precisely the type of violent criminals that fill our prisons. You know when I walk down the street and see senior citizens I cross the street. I rather walk where there are young people with tattoo's, piercings, and discarded crack vials. No sense in taking a chance with those violent, elderly wing nuts.

*Thank God the riot police are behind them to protect us.

A tale of two convictions.

A man named Noah warned the people of his day of a coming deluge, and he was mocked. A man named Al Gore warned the people of his day the seas would rise and flood hundreds of coastal cities, and he became wealthy and received the Nobel Prize. Noah preached a message of righteousness because of his faith. Al Gore preached "repent of your carbon emissions and you will be saved" because it made him rich. Both messages concerned catastrophic judgement, but Noah built an ark following through on his convictions. Al built a beachfront home, uses more energy, has a bigger carbon footprint, and eats more meat than a T Rex. Like all false prophets he didn't follow through on his convictions. Sorry Al, it's just "An Inconvenient Truth".

Johnny come lately

I recently read that during normal sex women take almost four times longer than men to reach a climax. When it comes to physical activity I start out strong, but peter out quickly. So I went to my doctor to get a prescription for Dapoxetine. It's the new drug for premature ejaculation. You know, coming too soon. Boy, does it work! Last time I had sex, I showed up 2 hours late. Bada Bing!

To serve man

The U.S. military has confirmed that there are alien invaders who have snatched the brains of American citizens. These brain-less Americans are still alive, but they have the I.Q. of a taco. As a result they gather in mass like zombies, damaging stores, and private property in California. Their alien masters are not from outer space, they are from Mexico. These invaders have convinced many that they come to our country in peace, in spite of the drugs and weapons some carry. Like all good aliens they come "to serve man", by working in restaurants, construction and landscaping. Inevitably they require food stamps, schools, health care, and subsidized housing. As a result those Arizonians are stewing in their own juices over high taxes to pay for those services, but at least that makes them nice and tender. I wonder would a Bordeaux go well with that leg?

Photo from the Twilight Zone episode "To Serve Man", which was actually an alien cookbook on how to cook humans.

Drowning in the high risk pool

I try to lead a healthy lifestyle, and this year like every other I went for my check up. The nurse who took my blood stabbed my arm continuously like blindfolded kids trying to pin the tail on a donkeys ass. Then she got so frustrated she jabbed the needle in so hard I thought I was having an aneurysm. When I walked out I had more holes than a heroin addict, but at least she gave me a stale cookie. A week later I had an accident. I showed up at the emergency room with a severed artery. The nurse is asking for my information while I am spurting blood like a cheap Kung Fu movie. The last thing I remember before I passed out is "where's your insurance card"? Illegal aliens get treated without any questions asked. Me, I'm laying in a pool of blood, while they decide if I have coverage. I guess that's what Obamacare refers to as a high risk pool.

Blogarrhea

I love the Internet because I can get info from millions of individuals on how to do just about anything. It is even possible to get the schematics for an atomic bomb, unfortunately the text is in Arabic. You can learn how to get a wife (the E-harmony method) or get rid of a wife (the O.J. method). How to make a fortune (the Al Gore method) or lose a fortune (the Tiger Woods method). How to gain weight (the Kirstie Alley method) or lose weight (the Gandi method). In fact anyone with half a brain can post some moronic nonsense on the Internet. I guess blogs are like a__holes, everybody has one. Unfortunately some (like this one) spew more crap than necessary. My doctor said I have a bad case of blogarrhea, unfortunately its my readers who suffer.

A womb for rent (offensive)

It is no surprise that some women have used their specialized genitalia to make a few quick bucks. Whether it is servicing the local "john" or the surrogate who provides a baby for a childless couple, there's gold down that hole. Pimps are like gold miners, as they exploit the mines for booty and abandon them when they're barren. Sadly even in a civilized society like ours the denigration of women continues. It culminated in "Octo-Mom, a women who currently holds the worlds record for surviving octuplets. Television executives had filmed a pilot of the new "Octo-Mom" show, but it was cancelled due to technical problems. Octo-moms failure to obtain a lap band for her uterus resulted in echo distorting the audio program. Well at least it's nice to know that when you need a warm, comforting, place to stay you can always find "A womb for rent".

Mr. Hand

Lately every time I put my hand in my pocket there is already another one there. I call him Mr. Hand, and lately he has become very greedy. Recently I went to pay for some groceries and he began fighting with me over my last twenty dollar bill. It was very embarrassing to see me jerking my hand around in my trousers at the checkout. Even stranger the cashier gave me her phone number. I thought I saw a needle mark on him and figured he needed the money for drugs. I was wrong. I found out Mr. Hand works for the Internal Revenue Service. I had heard of the "long arm of the law". He fights crime with truth and justice, so what is Mr. Hand's job? No, it's not a sexual act. He is responsible for shaking down hard working, law abiding citizens. You know if he is in my trousers all the time he could reciprocate by giving me a little pleasure once in a while. At the very least he could help carry my casket after he taxes me to death.

To all the girls I've loved before.

Kind of hard to imagine girls loving Willie Nelson. After all he's short, hairy, wrinkled, and owes the IRS more money than Charlie Rangel. But since his girls are hanging around livestock all day, I guess Willie don't seem that bad after all. Sure he may be dirtier than a moto-cross race track. So what, considering the west is one giant dust bowl anyway. You know I'm kinda short, hairy, and wrinkled, but I don't owe taxes, and keep myself pretty clean. So what happened "To all the girls I've loved before". If they were smart they moved out of town. The others should be out at their next parole hearing. The rest are doing just fine in therapy thank you.

Damn proud!

How many times have you heard someone say I'm damn proud to be ___ (fill in the blank)? The fact is no matter what nation, race, or culture your from they all share serious faults. If I am an evolutionist then I really have nothing to brag about. Am I better because I evolved from bacteria and you evolved from fungus. That's probably why you have athletes feet, jock itch, and dandruff. Maybe I'm better because I descended from Capuchin monkeys and you descended from bonobos. Bonobos practice homosexuality, orgies and occasionally cannabalism. Kind of a "love em and eat em attitude". Something you can proudly wear on a T shirt. What if I evolved from a horse and you came from a mule. I know it's true cause (music maestro) your back is brawny, but your brain is weak. Your plain just stupid with a stubborn streak. And by the way if you hate to go to school, you may grow up to be a mule. Now that's something you can be damn proud of!

Spare the rod, spoil the future inmate.

I thought I would tackle the topic of corporal punishment. I have often thought of a beautiful dominatrix...Oops, wrong story. Anyway, I always thought a proper, lovingly administered spanking could help save a child on the road to destruction. The problem is twenty countries have outlawed it, and seventy one percent of the parents are against it, and I know who they are. More importantly I know who their children are. They are ones who scream continuously until they are given candy. They are the ones who throw rocks at moving cars nearly causing them to crash (actually that was my cousin). They are the ones who are disrespectful to the elderly, police, and anyone in authority. They are the ones who destroy private property and wind up in juvenile court before puberty. Disagree? Maybe you should check the statistics. You know taking a power drill to your skull is probably a dangerous thing, but in the hands of a surgeon it can be a lifesaver. Spanking is also a tool, and when used properly may save parents from that long trip to Rikers every weekend.

Idiot central

I find it hard to believe some of the quotes coming from officials in the White House. Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano exclaimed "the system worked" in reference to the fact that a Nigerian terrorist on a watch list who was denied a U.K. visa, and whose father warned of his radicalization was allowed to board a U.S. flight with a bomb in his underwear. You can't take a tube of toothpaste to brush your teeth after an 18 hour flight, but apparently exploding genitalia is allowed. How about Cass Sunstein the head regulator who said "animals should be able to bring suit" (lawsuits). I guess the judge would be saying "odor in the court", and place your hoof on the bible and take the stand. Now I understand where they got that expression "I object, he is badger-ing the witness". More importantly, how did these people wind up in the White House? You know there is a station on t.v. called "comedy central", but it will soon be replaced by "idiot central". A collection of ivy league, elitist, farm loving, liberal a__holes who will rule the world with truth, justice, and equality for livestock, plants, and assorted fungi. Their purpose: To free mankind from rational thought and logic. To boldly go where no intelligent life exists, to the White House. Check your cable provider for station and show times.

A dull dress

I know clothes make the man or women, but I think we have gone to far. We shouldn't judge each other by what we wear, or even how we look. We are more than outward appearance, we are moral, emotional, and intellectual. When I heard of my best friends divorce I was shocked. I thought they had a wonderful relationship. When I asked why, he said. A dull dress.