"The land of the free, and the home of the brave".

Those peaceful Swiss who live in the Alps and make that wonderful chocolate are turning out to be one hateful group of anti-immigrant yodelers. They are so xenophobic they actually voted to deport foreigners who are convicted of rape and trafficking in drugs or humans. The nerve! Well their criminals can always come to  America, a veritable oasis for murderers, rapists, drug dealers, terrorists, and all manner of psycho's. "The land of the free" is a reference to all the free social programs available to those who would do us harm. "The home of the brave" refers to the fact that in spite of rampant crime we still leave the safety of our home knowing we may not return.

http://jammiewearingfool.blogspot.com/2010/11/first-muslims-and-minarets-now.html#links

Silence is golden

President Obama was assaulted during a basketball game, and received twelve stitches. Apparently a player mistook his giant lips for the rim and attempted a dunk causing the great orator to require oral surgery. The secret service read the perpetrator his rights, but for the first time in 2 years Obama will have to remain silent. Previously a teleprompter attempted the same thing, but was foiled. Silence is golden.

Your spying eyes

In an effort to thwart the spying of genitalia by T.S.A. agents someone has invented underwear that blocks imaging of your private parts. It uses tungsten and other metals that do not set off metal detectors, and looks rather fashionable at the same time. Sales of the underwear have been sluggish, but recently a large order was received from Yemen. Some owners are worried that what can't be seen may have to be handled. Judging by the way they treat your luggage your "junk" will surely be bruised as badly as your ego.

http://dailycaller.com/2010/11/21/underwear-invention-protects-privacy-at-airport/

The real deal?

How can you know when you are getting the real deal? You won't get one from the the guy who sells new d.v.d.'s on the street for five bucks, or from an online date who claims she doesn't know how to post her picture to her e-harmony account. Even the actresses on the show "The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills" have admitted they are filled with botox, breast implants, and nose jobs. How real is that? Everyone knows botox is onabotulinumtoxinA a poison, and death would certainly better than waking up next to the botox infested gal in the picture. That's probably where they got that expression "if looks could kill".

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-1327162/Real-Housewives-Beverly-Hills-reveal-plastic-surgery-secrets.html

Death by nailclipper

Soldiers returning from Afghanistan landed in Indianapolis recently and were subjected to the same ridiculous T.S.A. routines I encountered in Chicago. There was one small difference. They were carrying M4 carbine rifles, and M9 pistols, but no ammo. Apparently we don't trust our own soldiers from hijacking a plane and crashing into a building. One soldier was stopped, detained, and his nail clipper confiscated. There was concern that if the pilot had a hangnail, and the soldier grabbed it with his clipper he could force him to crash land. Dangerous weapons will be confiscated, the guns are okay.

http://www.redstate.com/erick/2010/11/18/another-tsa-outrage/

The ties are a changing

If a Muslim wore a tie in Iran in 1979 there was the possibility of being beheaded since ties were considered to be symbolic of the decadent west. It seems this particular tie meets with religous approval, probably because it's in the shape of a sword! One option is the metallic insert that transforms the tie into a fashionable method of beheading infidels. Looks like the Columbian necktie* has finally met it's match. Another option is a clear coating that protects it from stains like blood. Why would you want to throw away a perfectly good tie after just one use? Like Bob Dylan said the ties are a changing**.

* A Columbian necktie is a method of execution where the victims throat is slashed and the tongue is pulled through the open wound.
** He actually said "The times are a changing".

Times up.

When I was a young boy my neighbor died a young man. His wife said "poor Red his time was up and the lord took him". I immediately became concerned that life hinged on an abstract idea called time. One day a teenager from the neighborhood was robbing a bank and the police had him surrounded. An officer yelled your time is up, come out with your hands in the air. Mickey ran out waving a pistol, and a hail of bullets later he was dead. My parents took me to his funeral and the priest said "Young Mickey Rivers, died before his time". I thought you must be kidding me. What better time to die then when someone is emptying their gun into you. I then realized it wasn't time that kills us as much as it is about what we are doing in a particular moment of time. Maybe it's not that your time is up, as much as it is your time is up to you.

Dying to get laid

Gay Coffin

Gay men now have the option of being buried in a custom homo-erotically designed coffin. A unique accessory that's necessary when being shoved into a deep dark hole. The one in the picture has all the options including a rubberized mattress (for those embarrassing stains), lubricated hinges (for those embarrassing squeaking sounds), and a butt anchor to keep your body from sliding around as it's lowered. Dying to get laid to rest has never been more fashionable.

http://jammiewearingfool.blogspot.com/2010/11/fabulous-gay-coffins-with-homoerotic.html#links

Busting out

It's a fact that men love female breasts. It may be the comfort that suckling a warm mass of milk producing glands brings. It may be the smell that evokes wonderful memories of infancy when life was simple and stress free. Even as adults we act childish when confronted with breasts especially large ones, and sometimes we offend their owners by our ogling. Are you even reading this or still looking at that picture?

Norma Stitz world record holder for largest breasts 73-1/2 WWW
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gSdbZrbiSCE&feature=player_embedded

Death sentence

Khalid Sheik Mohammed died today of old age while awaiting trial for the Sept. 11 bombing of the World Trade Center*. Eric Holder is still trying to decide where to try him, and apparently hasn't heard of his demise. Someone once said "justice delayed is justice denied", but the Attorney General claimed "justice will not be denied, he will be found guilty and issued a death sentence"*. He neglected to tell us it would be from natural causes.

*K.S.M. is not really dead, but he probably will be at the rate his trial is progressing.
*Eric Holder never claimed KSM will be issued a death sentence.

Unhappy meals

I find San Francisco's ban on McDonalds for offering toys in their happy meals bizarre. The thinking goes that children shouldn't be rewarded for eating unhealthy food by giving them a toy. So if we remove the toys we will remove the desire to eat the burgers and fries. Are you kidding me? Do they honestly think that the kids will turn around and say mom let's have a salad with grilled lean chicken and bottled water? Social engineering by our government has, and always be, an unmitigated failure. Remember the war on poverty? how about the war on drugs? Those programs did zero, zilch, nada in improving the lives of it's citizens. The ban misses an important point in this controversy. It is not the children who are paying for the meals, it is the parents. If a parent has not already raised their child to make the right decisions when it comes to eating healthy foods, then the government has already lost the war on childhood obesity. This is not a war the government can win, or should even participate in.

Jus driving thru

You can get food at a drive thru, get married at a drive thru, and now it will be possible to buy your adult toys at "Pleasures" drive thru sex shop. Alabama bans the sale of sex toys, but Pleasures sidesteps the law by claiming that they are medical devices, and requires you to fill out a questionaire. I honestly can't imagine the medical neccesity of an anal stimulator, but one resident claimed it help reduced his headaches. I guess it really is possible to have your head up your ass.

http://blog.al.com/breaking/2010/11/alabama_sex_toy_drive-thru.html

No sex=death

Many men have told their wives they would die without sex. That may be a literal truth. Sex increases your testosterone levels, and improves your cardiovascular health which in turn means you'll live longer. That expensive life insurance policy I took out is really killing my love life.


http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/europe/italy/8116384/Healthy-sex-life-makes-men-live-longer.html

The orgasmic brain

A team from Rutgers University conducted a study to find out what goes on in a woman's mind when they are having an orgasm. Are they for real? Even I know the answer and I am not a scientist. They're thinking "Good thing that idiot husband of mine is not around"!

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1327489/What-goes-womans-brain-orgasm.html

One giant footprint

The University of New Hampshire has been given 700,000 of our tax dollars to study cow burps. The purpose is to reduce greenhouse gasses by limiting the methane they emit when belching. Apparently their flatulence emits less methane, but I am sure many farmers would beg to differ. Scientists tell us that in the distant past very large vegetarian dinosaurs roamed a tropical world, yet catastrophic climate change did not occur. A recently discovered seismosaurus dinosaur was up to 140 feet long. Now that is one giant carbon footprint. In fact the fossil record indicates that high CO2 levels supported the greatest number of diverse life forms ever recorded. Maybe we should think twice about junking that old S.U.V, and go have a few bean burritos. Maybe we can bring back the dinosaurs.

http://www.unionleader.com/article.aspx?headline=UNH+scientists+to+study+cow+burps+.+.+.+and+more&articleId=c43c3680-3551-47ed-be8a-0b5b87880d6e

The anti-science argument

I do not believe in evolution and therefore I am told I am anti-science. Yet I use computers, have had sonograms, and m.r.i.'s (invented by a creationist named Damadian) and trust the validity of their results. I embrace science in every way that affects me and the world at large in the here and now. I believe in climate change, but I don't support the belief that man in is solely responsible for that change. Climate scientists say we must eliminate fossil fuels and reduce our energy consumption to levels before the industrial revolution in order to make a drastic reduction in earth's temperature*. This can be accomplished by not using jets, cars, large screen televisions, cruise ships, air conditioning, etc. So after creating all these inventions you tell me not to use them, and you claim I am anti-science?

*Minor reductions in greenhouse gasses will have virtually no effect on ambient temperatures.

Oh dolling

I recently blogged about a vibrator that resembled Obama, and now they have an Obama blow up sex doll. It's amazing how many way's this guy can screw you. Our President has seduced this nation and now he is titillating millions of perverts with his phony baloney. While the recent tsunami of republican victories may have humbled him slightly, nothing could deflate him more than a nice sharp pair of scissors (the doll that is). I wonder why he is only shown with white women? It must be a part of his social justice program, you know spreading it around as they say. That's what he told Joe the plumber, and who knows better than a plumber how to deal with all his crap?

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/northamerica/usa/barackobama/8107377/Obama-sex-doll-for-sale-in-China.html

Harry Reidenstein

In a previous blog I referred to Harry Reid as Frankenstein, and on Nov. 3 he again proved his political immortality. Considering his state has a 14% unemployment rate I was sure he was dead as Elvis, but the Nevada voters went to the polls and electrified this decrepit corpse back to life. The peasants and villagers were no match for the creature that terrorized the nation with health reform, cap and trade, and policies that destroy small businesses by throwing them over the cliff. This monster knows no fear except fire, and unfortunately the voters failed to fire him.

Smile, your on booty camera

On October 22 I had the honor of performing nude at Chicago's O'hare airport. While I generally use a pole for my routine, this time I used the backscatter scanning system at the security checkpoint. For the pleasure of one T.S.A. agent my nude form was as visible as a private lap dance at a so called "Gentleman's Club". Needless to say they were unimpressed as I found no dollars inserted in my waistband. I am told this information is private and treated discreetly, although I could have sworn I heard a group of people say "Wow that's some scar"! That old metal shop accident still haunts me to this day. I guess I shouldn't complain at least it's better than a full cavity search. Anyway if you see my picture on the internet they say the image makes you look much fatter than you really are. That lady behind me really has something to worry about.

http://www.familyhomesecurity.com/full-body-scanners-at-airports-faq/

Halt! Drop that knife and step away from the butter

Yesterday I returned from a cruise where I ate like a Soviet dissident who was just released from the gulag after 20 years. Today I read Baltimore is issuing tickets for food violations, how ironic. Maybe they should ticket Rosie O'Donnell for eating 4,000 calories in a 2,500 calorie zone, and adding 10 points to her B.M.I. (body mass index). Apparently a food facility called "Healthy Choice" was found to have excess fat levels in their margarine, and was issued a $100. fine. Fine by me, except when an inspector comes to my apartment to analyze the fat content of my fettuccine alfredo. A butter knife can also double as a deadly weapon so I hope the food police are being outfitted with utensil proof vests.

http://michellemalkin.com/2010/10/27/baltimore-food-police/