The pyschic octopus

Paul the psychic octopus lives in Germany and correctly predicted eight consecutive World Cup matches. Imagine a cephalopod that is more accurate than the psychic hotline you have been using. I remember Al Gore made the ridiculous prediction that the ice cap would disappear in 7 years. Perhaps he wouldn't have come off as such a buffoon if he first consulted with Paul. They have a lot in common anyway. Both are squishy blobs of flesh and according to a female masseuse Al fondled her like he had eight arms. Unlike Al, Paul has received over 160 product endorsements. Mostly for underarm deodorant and inkjet printers. Of course there are those who are jealous of his success. World cup losers threatened to cook him, and Iranian President Ahmadingbat claimed Paul spreads "western propaganda and superstition". Like Salmon Rushdie a fatwa has been issued for his death. He is currently in the witness protection program and living in an undisclosed location. But he knew that would happen all along.

Inspire magazine

I read that Al Qaeda has a new English speaking magazine out called "Inspire". Like most good magazines it has a cooking section only it's not for food. It feature recipes using chemicals from the local hardware store so you can cook up homemade bombs. A perfect gift for those pesky infidels who keep drawing those insulting cartoons. In the barbecue section you can learn how propane tanks and your old Nissan Pathfinder can be fitted to host a tailgate party in Times Square. There are tips about etiquette, like how to properly behead blasphemers without staining your turban. There is also a love section that teaches you how to woo your intended with dolls and toys. A necessity when courting underage girls. "Inspire" follows in the tradition of great magazines by having a sports section. Here you can learn how to throw a rock like a Stephen Strasburg 100 m.p.h. fastball. Quite an advantage when stoning the local adulterer. It doesn't have an auto section, but does offer camel maintenance tips. After all everyone hates it when they breakdown in the desert. By most accounts this magazine will rocket to number one with a bullet.

Milk Men

Sharia law does not allow Muslim women to be alone with an unrelated male, and if she is caught she may be beaten and imprisoned. An advisor for the Saudi ministry realized that occasionally unrelated genders may need to conduct business in private, so he came up with a novel solution. He said if she breastfed him it would be permissible. The reason is it creates a bond of kinship similar to a son, and therefore legal to be together. Here in America we might celebrate a business partnership with a cold drink at a titty bar, over there a warm drink at the titty. But before all you guys look to transfer to Saudi Arabia to do business I forgot to mention the milk must be pumped. You cannot drink it from the tap. So in addition to laptops and briefcases Saudi business women will be carrying breast pumps. I guess like Smith Barney they earn their money the old fashioned way, they pump it.

http://dailycaller.com/2010/07/28/controversy-in-saudi-arabia-over-fatwa-permitting-breastfeeding-of-adults/

Buffalo right wings

Right wing blogger Andrew Breitbart posted an edited video of Shirley Sherrod on his website, and the result was by the end of the day the White House requested her resignation*. The fact is the White House considers people like Breitbart, Glenn Beck, and Fox News so biased and unethical the question is why did they base a decision solely on a video on his website? The answer is more often than not right wing pundits get the facts right. Glenn Beck's expose on Van Jones led to his dismissal (resignation) when all the left leaning news organizations didn't have a clue till it was all over. The Acorn, and New Black Panther scandals were also missed by everyone in the mainstream media. While everyone else is asleep at the wheel, right wing nuts are breaking the hot stories. Maybe they should start selling Buffalo Right Wings.

*If Andrew initially received the edited version and assumed racism on Ms Sherrods part he did exactly what the White House and the N.A.C.C.P. did, pass judgement without all the facts. If he purposely edited the video to make it appear she was racist that is a totally different story.

Hairy Potty and the half beard prince

I seem to remember that the D.O.E. (Dept. of Energy) required low flow toilets a while back in order to save water, and as a result you had to flush the toilet 2 or 3 times for the poo poo to scoo doo. Even worse a couple of stray hairs and the toilet will back up (hairy potty syndrome). Now they have decided you take too long in shower, and are wasting water and energy. New regulations will force shower head manufacturers to produce only low flow units, or they will receive a fine. That means you will never be able to completely rinse all the suds off, and as result will have dry itchy skin and a crappy coiffure (hairdo). Next I guess they'll say in order to save water and energy you can only shave half your face each day. With the crappy hairdo maybe a half a shaved face won't look so bad, although the constant scratching from the dry skin certainly won't win any new friends. Behold the half beard Prince Will Scratchalot.

Death by blackberry

These day's many people have found their jobs include e-mail, text, and correspondence with people they will never see in person. It has become so impersonal that Shirley Sherrod of the U.S. Dept of Agriculture received a call while driving telling her to pull over and render her resignation via e-mail immediately. This occurred with with no face to face meeting. Can you imagine receiving a text message informing you will lose your job and it causes you such distress that you commit suicide. When the police arrive they find your cell phone and realize the text was sent to your number by mistake. You will have the honor of being declared the first "death by blackberry".

Where are your papers?

Most of us shudder at the thought of being required to carry papers at all times. It reminds us of Germany under Hitler, and the subsequent horrors of the Third Reich. Unfortunately it has come to the U.S. in the 20th century due to the current economic calamity. The Mayor of Newark has been forced to cut back on toilet supplies, and with it the necessity of it's citizens to carry the proper papers at all times. If you don't have them you may find yourself an enemy of the state, or at the very least an enemy of proper hygienic practices.

Honor roll and jelly roll

Students receive report cards, and now they will receive B.M.I. (Body Mass Index) reports. This is an attempt to curb student obesity and the associated health problems. I've got a better idea why don't they try to educate the students instead. The Center for Disease Control say's B.M.I."is not a diagnostic tool", because B.M.I. does not differentiate between fat and lean muscle. In fact "Some argue that the error in B.M.I. is so significant and so pervasive that it is not generally useful in evaluation of health"*. Another failing grade for the Dept of Education. You may one day receive a letter saying your child has made the honor roll, unfortunately because of their excessive B.M.I. they have also made the jelly roll.
*http://www.cdc.gov/healthyweight/assessing/bmi/childrens_bmi/about_childrens_bmi.html *http://www.maa.org/devlin/devlin_05_09.html
Kobe Bryant, Matt Damon, Johnny Depp, Bradd Pitt, and Will Smith are all considered overweight according to their B.M.I.

Belly button blues

All these years I thought my poor track and field performance was the result of my generally poor athletic ability. Now due to a recent study I find out it is because of the position of my belly button. Since running is basically falling forward a higher center of gravity helps you fall forward faster, hence higher belly button equals faster speed. So that's why I wasn't selected for the Olympic team, and the fact that I am only slightly taller than Gary Coleman. I figure if the position of your belly button is higher and you also have an outie your probably headed for a gold medal. They say a race is sometimes won by a nose, I guess they'll have to start aiming the cameras a lot lower.

Up, up, and away in my beautiful ballon.

This past winter I had the pleasure of visiting Coral Island, Thailand. While there my wife encouraged me to go para sailing even though at the age of fifty four I was worried about getting a heart attack. This happened after she made me take out a big insurance policy. Hmm. Anyway I figured it was time to be a man and face my fears. Well it was thrilling, exhilarating, and I bragged about it constantly when I got home. I took some pictures as proof, but my friends all said I look like a jackass.

Dan Nasco, public enemy number one

When the E.P.A. declared CO2 a public danger I became very concerned. You see every time I exhale I release small amounts of it. By their decision I am no different than a car exhaust, a coal factory, or an elephant fart. I also eat meat so I increase the "public danger" because livestock contribute greatly to greenhouse gasses. As a retiree I contribute very little to the economy, but receive a pension and health benefits which increase exponentially as I age. Maybe the E.P.A. will declare me a "public danger". After working 37 years in the post office finally my picture will be posted in the lobby. Wanted, Dan Nasco public enemy number one.

United we stand, squat and we fall

In the picture we have a common "squat toilet" also known as a Nile pan or Turkish toilet which are common in the Middle East and Asia. I encountered some in Singapore, but you normally won't find them in England or the U.S. Well that may soon be changing. In an effort to pander to cultural diversity, England will be updating some of their public loo's (bathrooms) with these "new" toilets. Wait till the politically correct morons in the U.S. get wind of this. Maybe we should provide a pool of water for those who like to shit in the river, or supply a shovel, dirt and leaves for those who (like the bears) do it in the woods. I thought celebrating your cultural diversity was about art, music, and architecture, not about the place you take a dump! There is no doubt that some males will attempt to pee into that tiny opening and miss, and you can be sure some poor sucker will slip, bust his ass, and sue. I guess "United we stand, squat and we fall" will be our new motto.

How I learned to stop worrying and love the bomb

At the time of the attack on 9/11 I lived 100 miles from the world trade center. By most measures a safe distance even if a nuclear device had been detonated, although surviving the initial shock of an atomic weapon means the possibility of experiencing nuclear fallout. The sickness and death resulting from radiation poisoning causes a slow and excruciatingly painful death, so I developed a plan of action and did what any normal, intelligent person would do. I moved to ground zero in New York. Yes I know that there are hundreds if not thousands of missiles programmed with the coordinates to my home address on them, but I personally think it is better to be incinerated instantaneously. I already have an appointment with death, although I tried to reschedule it for a later date. Unfortunately those damn automated systems never seem to return my call. Besides from my balcony I will have a ring side seat for the apocalypse, the greatest show on earth. That's how I learned to stop worrying and love the bomb.

Gorilla Warfare

A story originating in China has claimed that Jihadists are training monkeys to fight the war in Afghanistan. While it may seem patently absurd it is not the first time animals have been used in warfare. Military officers have used pigeons to deliver messages on the battlefield. War elephants were used as primitive weapons of mass destruction, and as recently as the 1990's dolphins were used to detect mines in the first gulf war after being fitted with cameras. Monkeys are very smart and with an unlimited supply of bananas you could probably teach them anything. A Rhesus monkey named Albert was the first astronaut in space in 1949. You may also remember Lancelot Link, Secret Chimp the highly decorated American spy. There were also the persistent rumors that "Bubbles", Michael Jackson's pet monkey was an undercover C.I.A. agent who was fired for sexual misconduct, due to his appearance in a porno movie entitled "The Spy who jungle loved me". While the Chinese have been known for passing notoriously bad intel, maybe we have been misspelling guerrilla warfare all along.

FGM (Female genital mutilation)

F.G.M. is the surgical removal of a young girls genital tissue for non-medical reasons. It is a violent, painful ritual. There are no health benefits to F.G.M, and the psychological damage is devastating. The fact that this happens to U.S. citizens brought overseas for F.G.M. holiday's is appalling. In the Middle East and Africa women can be beaten if they are in the company of a unrelated male, or stoned if it's believed they were adulterers. How is it possible that in this day and age such evil can continue without protest? Hopefully we can find a ventriloquist to open the mouths of the dummies who claim to be feminists and civil rights activists. Only then will they have the courage to speak out against a culture that permits women to be treated with less respect than animals. At least animals have honorable organizations to protect them.

Those wacki packi's

The name "Pakistan" means land of the pure, or of the spiritually clean in Urdu and Persian. So it is only natural that they have banned websites that have offensive or blasphemous material. So what do their citizens google when they are on the internet? In addition to the normal beheading, stoning, torture and anti-American video's they love their porn. Not just normal sex between man and women, but horse, donkey, rape, dog and animal sex in general. I never knew the "hump on a camel" was a reference to the owners intention.

http://www.foxnews.com/world/2010/07/12/data-shows-pakistan-googling-pornographic-material/

Keeping up appearances

A new study found that modest men are unattractive to women regardless of their actual abilities. That means if you can run a marathon, find a cure for cancer, and make a million dollars before lunch you will still be single unless you are conceited, arrogant and boastful. No wonder there is so much lying on those dating web sites, who would want to date an ordinary, plain looking dude? In the end it's all about appearances. A guy may be likened to a Coach handbag. He looks good on her arm in public, but at home is relegated to the closet with the rest of the other bags. Nothing could be worse than being an old bag that can't come out of the closet.

Diminshed capacity

Two burglars robbed a Texas store that sold high quality surveillance equipment. There were 17 cameras that captured their every move and they were arrested shortly. I believe their previous crime was to commit arson on a fireproofing factory. Later a man robbed a Dunkin Donuts and stole an adding machine instead of the cash register. He is still trying to figure out how to remove the cash. He figures it's a newfangled security feature. Actually these kinds of criminals do a service to the community. Few resources are needed to apprehend them, not like sophisticated criminals who require hours of overtime from law enforcement to be captured. As part of a court sentence it should be noted how much time and money was required for their arrest and calculated toward their incarceration. As a result of their diminished capacity, possibly we can diminish their prison time as well.

Groucho Marx vs. Karl Marx

Karl and Groucho's opinions on the value of women.
Karl "Social progress can be measured exactly by the social position of the female sex ( the ugly ones included)". Groucho "Women should be obscene and not heard". Round 1 decision they disagree.
Karl and Groucho on the value of man.
Karl "Man himself is mutually of no value". Groucho"There is one way to find out if a man is honest ask him! If he says yes you know he is crooked". Round 2 they agree
Karl and Groucho on the value of work.
Karl "He works that he may keep alive". Groucho "I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty". Round 3 they agree.
Karl and Groucho on capitalism.
Karl "The capitalist is a rational miser".
Groucho "No man goes before his time-unless the boss leaves early". Round 4 they agree.
Seventy five percent of the time Groucho and Karl agree. I guess that means that the majority of what Marxists believe is just pure comedy.

National Aeronautics for Suicidal Astronauts (N.A.S.A.)

A Mosque in Marietta, Georgia was set ablaze on Monday. A black 26 year old member of the Mosque named Tasmir Mendy was charged with the crime. It was rumored that Tasmir was a scientist in training at the newly improved National Aeronautics for Suicidal Astronauts (N.A.S.A.). He was currently developing new slingshot technology when he accidentally shot his hookah (waterpipe) and set the Mosque on fire. I guess all those years of schooling at Afghanistan University didn't help as they are still teaching science from the Middle Ages. Well it's nice to know Obama is staffing our premier scientific agency with those willing to give up their lives for the advancement of science. Due to budget cutbacks Tasmir will be catapulted into outer space without a spaceship. Bang, zoom!

*The first Moonslim in space, Iatoldya Imadeit*

Boarders without borders

It seems everyone has a relative who needs to crash at your place once in a while. The trouble is they have no desire to leave. In the interim they will be eating your food, using your phone and treating your home like a shanty town. These people are boarders except they have no intention of paying you. The fact is any time people see an opportunity to better themselves, even at the expense of others they will. So is it no surprise we can't secure our borders. If we continually support undocumented immigrants with social programs why shouldn't they come. We would do the same also. The only border that works is one where there is no possible advantage on the other side, or certain death awaits. America will soon be a third world country so maybe we should be nice to the Mexicans, one day we may be boarding South of the border ourselves.

Silent but deadly

The weapon of choice for adolescents is S.B.D.'s. These silent but deadly flatus (farts) can empty a room full of kids in seconds as they stampede for the nearest exit. In the adult world heart attack, and stroke are the silent but deadly killers we concern ourselves with most often. The deadliest silence of all is media silence. Their failure to accurately report all the news like Van Jones radical, communist, racist, attempt to transform our republic. Or burying important stories like the lies spread by Healthcare Reform advocates when the C.B.O. now claims it will cost us over a trillion dollars, and millions will lose their current coverage. Or when we were told unemployment checks create jobs according to Nancy Pelosi, her stupidity is met with little resistance. No wonder readership is down, newspapers are only useful for protecting glassware, or lining a bird cage. Not only is their inaction dangerous it stinks to high heaven, kind of like my cousin Joey after eating too much gorgonzola.

French foolishness (offensive)

France always seems to amaze me. They recently passed a law against "psychological violence". A crime punishable by up to 3 years of prison and up to a 75,000 euro fine. What they haven't figured out is what "psychological violence" actually constitutes. In fact insulting your spouse may be a punishable offense. Imagine you claim your wife is terrible in bed and she files a complaint. At the trial your wife will have to demonstrate that she is good in the sack. I guess she'll be hoping for a hung jury. It will be a long, hard trial as there will be many motions, and the judge may require her presence in his chambers. If she is ugly he certainly will hold her with contempt. The upside to this foolishness is France will never have to worry about people ducking jury duty anymore.

The incredible shrinking man (offensive)

I love the mirrors in the fun house, especially the one that makes me look eight foot tall. The reality is it is just an image, but I figure if it worked for President Obama it can work for me. He surrounded himself with people who see him as a larger than life leader, thinker, and peacemaker. Even the mainstream media who first worshiped him, and had orgasms when he spoke has finally realized it was all image and no substance. Not only is he small, he is continually shrinking from the oppressive weight of his bad policies, and criticism from his once adoring fans. Shrinkage is bad, but Viagra is good. Unfortunately some dicks don't respond. Maybe by 2012 he will just plain disappear.

*Photo from "The Incredible Shrinking Man" 1957

Not even a scientist can fix stupid

Do you know N.A.S.A.'s current mission? No it's not to go to Mars, or to establish a colony somewhere in the cosmos. These are mundane goals not even worthy of their consideration. In fact the head of N.A.S.A. Charles Bolden said "his mission...is to improve relations with the Muslim world". If the Muslim world was on the other side of the galaxy I might agree, but personally I think there is a lot of empty space in his head that needs exploring. By his logic the Dept. of Sanitation's mission could be to find a cure for baldness. He also said "better interaction with the Muslim world would ultimately advance space travel". Here I agree with him. A suicide bomber advances space travel for the tiny bits of your body that are blown to kingdom come! We have weak effeminate leaders who bow and cater to every maniacal fanatic who would sooner see us strapped to a Shahab-3 missile headed toward Israel than make peace. Not even a scientist can fix stupid.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2010/07/07/charles-bolden-nasas-fore_n_637854.html

Banning Common Sense

Our government has created more rules, regulations, and laws than you can possibly imagine. This is not a new phenomenon it has been going on for hundreds of years. For instance in Kentucky every citizen is required by law to take a shower once a year, and that's why Willie Nelson had to move to Alabama. In Mass. no gorilla is allowed in the backseat of any car so now my brother will be taking the bus more often. In New Mexico females may not appear unshaven in public. They passed that law after they saw Madonna's center fold in Playboy magazine. In North Carolina it is illegal to sing off key. I hear Whitney Houston is eligible for parole in about fifty years. In Rhode Island you are not allowed to bite off any ones leg. That law was passed after police took a look in Jeffrey Dahmer's refrigerator. In Utah it is illegal not to drink milk. Unfortunately for the lactose intolerant it is also illegal to fart in public. By some estimates all these bizarre laws that are still on the books would imprison at least 50% of the population. Apparently there must be a law banning common sense somewhere.

Having you over for dinner

Recently 11 spies were arrested, and as usual their neighbors couldn't believe it. One neighbor joked how could they be spies when their hydrangeas were so beautiful? Whether it's a Russian spy, Nazi war criminal, or a mass murderer living next to you, by the time the reporters show up you will be gushing "I can't believe it, they were so nice". So how can you know if a serial killer like John Wayne Gacy lives next to you? Thirty three people missing in your local area could be a warning sign. Strange odors might be another, and shoveling after dark should certainly set off an alarm. If you are a concerned citizen do not attempt to apprehend the dirt bag, that is a job for law enforcement. The truth is some people love thy neighbor, and others love to eat thy neighbor. Guess that having you over for dinner thing isn't what it used to be.

The smell of fear

While boogie boarding recently I had the sense that a shark was planning on ripping my torso in two for a light midday snack. Probably this was result of watching the movie "Jaws" too many times, needless to say I returned to the hotel quickly. There I encountered a harmless spider, but because I suffer from arachnophobia I thought it best to check out early. Before I left I figured I needed a good massage to ease the tremendous stress of my paranoid delusions. As I was relaxing on the table I overheard someone say that the masseuse was an alien. I've heard of aliens experimenting on humans and in every instance they perform painful, probing in ones private parts. I left rather abruptly wearing only a towel. The smell of fear was so overwhelming hotel maintenance was called to check the sewer.

The old gray nag

A study of 3,000 people found that wives spend 7,920 minutes a year nagging their husbands. The average nagging session lasts up to an hour, but to us men it seems like an eternity. For the wives it is time well spent as we cave as easily as Kahlid Sheikh Mohammed did when he got waterboarded. Actually I might prefer waterboarding to nagging, at least it will cure my dehydration. Our only saving grace is the aging process. Already my hearing is diminishing so I only notice half the nagging I used to, and thanks to my wife's increasing forgetfulness, she can't remember why she was nagging me in the first place. The old gray nag ain't what she used to be.

Udderly ridiculous!

The E.P.A. has now ruled that as of November milk will be classified as an oil, because it contains animal fat. This implies the cow is the equivalent of an oil rig so consequently no smoking will be allowed as they may explode. Protective equipment must be used when handling udders, and they must be capped when not in use to prevent leaks. Milk products (yogurt, cheese etc.) will also be covered under new regulations. If your child drops his ice cream cone call the E.P.A. so a hazmat team can be dispatched to set up a toxic waste site. Discarding of these products improperly will result in fine and or imprisonment. This is government regulation, where logic and common sense are abandoned in the pursuit of a better world. Udderly ridiculous, but amoozing! Cowabunga.