Inflation and deflation

A beautiful French politician named Miss Dati issued an apology for a gaffe she made during a radio show. When questioned about overseas investment she said "I see some of them looking for returns of 20 or 25% at a time when fellatio is non-existent". She obviously confused fellatio (oral sex performed on a man) with inflation (an economic state of rising price in goods and services). You can't blame her since fellatio inflates a man's penis, and inflation causes a rise in the price of fellatio. Sort of a vicious cycle that eventually ends in deflation for men. Looks like prostitutes know more about economics then we give them credit for.

http://jammiewearingfool.blogspot.com/2010/09/i-see-some-of-them-looking-for-returns.html#links

No license required

Depressed, lonely, having trouble coping with life? You could see a therapist for a couple of hundred dollars an hour, or you could visit a prostitute. Forty percent of the time high end sex workers say they don't have sex with their clients they just talk. I told my wife the same thing, but she didn't believe me. I guess I"ll have to go to a real psychologist. So what happens when the police bust them? Do they get charged with prostitution even though they are not having sex, or practicing therapy without a license? In this tough economy many workers have had to perform jobs they were not formally trained for. It seems like the worlds oldest profession, is actually becoming a real profession. No license required.

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2010/09/10/AR2010091002670.html

"Take me to your bleeder"

We give more money to the United Nations than anyone else, and yet they keep bleeding us for more. Then they decided that if aliens visit earth and say "take me to your leader" the leader will be a Malaysian named Mazlan Othman. Ahmadinejad insults us every chance he gets, and now were put at the end of the receiving line when the aliens arrive. Once E.T. meets the money grubbing panhandlers at the U.N. this planet will be blasted into a giant fire ball. Can't say I blame them, but they should have known better than to visit a place called the milky way. One of the definitions of milk is to obtain money or benefit's from. Nobody should travel thousands of light years just to get bummed for spare change. At least their helmets should have been squeegeed.

http://hotair.com/archives/2010/09/26/great-news-un-to-appoint-earths-envoy-to-extraterrestrials/

Look but don't touch

There is a town in France known as "naked city" due to the large population of nudists romping around the beaches. Recently "swingers" those who advocate free sex and partner swapping have also become residents. You would think the two groups would play well together, seeing as they don't mind displaying their assets. That is not the case, and what might be considered a battle of the bulging has ensued. The fact is that while nudists bounce around their body parts like jello, they don't consider it a mating ritual. Look but don't touch really doesn't work well when a large wave throws you on top of a lady bearing all. It does gives body surfing a whole new meaning.

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/europe/france/8019627/Nudists-and-swingers-at-war-in-Frances-Naked-City.html

In case of emergency

In case of emergency remove blouse, and take off your bra. Sounds like a bizarre pick up line, but it may save your life. Some genius has developed a bra that turns into a gas mask in case of biological warfare. One cup is for the owner and the other is up for grabs. All those years we tried to get our girlfriends bra off are now easily accomplished with one smoke bomb. These kids today have it too easy!

http://www.foxnews.com/scitech/2010/09/23/emergency-remove-bra/

Polly wants a plea bargain

Police in Michigan received a call that a man was fighting with his pet parrot. The man was attempting to teach it tricks, and it led to a violent altercation. Apparently the bird has a long rap sheet including piracy, and has spent most of his life behind bars. The police decided to charge him with assault with a deadly weapon. This was because he slashed his owner with a curved hook and was hospitalized. Polly has agreed to plea guilty to a mynah offense. As part of his plea bargain he will be singing like a canary for a reduced sentence. He will be the world's first stool pigeon parrot.

http://www.clickondetroit.com/news/25117348/detail.html

Columbus Circle

President Obama recently stated Mexicans and other groups were here long before America was even an idea. Mexico declared it's independence in 1810 while the U.S. declared it's independence in 1776 so it's hard to believe that could be possible. Maybe he read that in 1492 the Nina, Pinta, and Santa Maria captained by Christopher Columbus had discovered the New World and he figured they were Mexican. They were actually Spanish, but it is possible Chris stopped by Mexico first to pick up some enchiladas before he circled back. In honor of his voyage we named a major landmark in Manhattan Columbus Circle. Like Chris, many New Yorkers were in Mexico before they came here.

http://www.realclearpolitics.com/video/2010/09/21/obama_mexicans_were_here_long_before_america_was_even_an_idea.html

Cheekin Sandwich

K.F.C. recently started advertising on young ladies cheeks. Not the rosy red kind, the twins down under. To be more precise on the backside of red sweatpants. This was a clever attempt to promote the "Double Down" sandwich. Sales have been flat, and since young men are their best customers only women can stir a rise in sales. There are no plans to advertise their spicy breast sandwiches at this time. One can only hope.

http://jammiewearingfool.blogspot.com/2010/09/lend-us-your-rear-kfcs-cheeky-new-ass.html#links

Fashionably late

I must admit I am not up to date with the world of fashion. I once bought a Nehru shirt and 30 seconds later it was out of style. I checked my closet and found a new powder blue leisure suit complete with bow tie. Not even the moths will touch that one. Recently I read that Charlie Le Mindu held a fashion show with models wearing their birthday suits. Now I can finally brag that I have the the most up to date fashion, except it is tattered and in need of repair. The waist is baggy, the crotch is saggy, the backside has a hole in it, the legs are too short, and the whole thing is one giant wrinkle. Coming to think of it my birthday suit is just as bad as the rest of my clothes.

http://www.nypost.com/p/entertainment/fashion/charlie_le_mindu_fashion_show_PIth8Je0of7ZhK3Owi9edO

The Big Mac Murders

There is a new serial killer on the loose who has already taken the lives of thousands of Americans. Police and F.B.I. have been unable to come up with even one suspect, but Michael Moore has identified the perpetrator as McDonalds. He even claimed they murdered more people then the 9/11 terrorists. Wow that's a lot of bullshit coming from one giant lard ass. Imagine an obese person complaining about people eating big macs and fries. That's kind of like O.J. complaining about domestic abuse. Michael Moore may be successful, but suffers from an inferiority complex. He had to cancel filming a movie in Alaska recently because the eskimos kept trying to club him.

http://newsbusters.org/blogs/noel-sheppard/2010/09/18/michael-moore-mcdonalds-ground-zero-killed-more-people-9-11-hijackers#ixzz0zwXHmQTc

Time to clean house

I recently read our government took 800,000 tax payer dollars and used it to teach uncircumcised men in Africa how to wash their penis. This money was supposed to stimulate our economy not someone's dick! The N.Y. Times claims 49 million Americans lack adequate food, and this is how congress spends our money! This election those dickheads in Washington will be getting washed away along with the crusty sperm, dirt, and smegma from their idiotic programs. Time to clean house. The House of Representatives.

http://www.cnsnews.com/news/article/75198

The 55 limit

The limit is 55, but I am not referring to miles per hour. I am referring to the age limit that women find men sexy. After 55 you become invisible to them, except for those at the senior citizens center. Coming to think of it they don't see too well either. Anyway this year women everywhere will be walking all over me because I'm 55 and they can't see me. That's really nothing new. It has been happening my whole life, and I have the shoe prints all over my shirts to prove it. Even worse those stilleto heels nearly took out an eye. Geez, I get no respect.

http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/3139720/Bald-Fat-55-Youre-still-sexy.html?OTC-RSS&ATTR=News

Men of a lesser intelligence

Well it finally happened. More women are receiving doctoral degrees than men. More families than ever are headed by single women and more men as a percentage lost their jobs in the recession. That means that if your a man there is a good chance you are divorced, unemployed, and when you try to meet a nice women she considers you intellectually inferior. In the war of the sexes it appears that men are ill equipped, out classed, and under educated. Not much of a war, maybe we should call it a police action. At least it can continue for years without acknowledging defeat.

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2010/09/13/AR2010091306555.html

Stay out of my womb

I recently saw a women protester with a sign that said, "Stay out of my womb". I figure if you want no visitors to your womb, just keep your vagina shut.

The evolution of women.

"You've come a long way baby" was the slogan for a Virginia Slims cigarette commercial a way back. The implication was that smoking by women was a long, hard won battle. Finally women would have the right to bad breathe and lung cancer. What a shame they suffered without it for so long. Then there was the miracle breakthrough known as the "pill". Women could now be free of the scourge known as pregnancy. Sexual freedom meant women no longer carried the brunt of the unintended consequences of poorly chosen lovers. It was now possible to make the same stupid mistakes men did when they let their genitals do the thinking. Maybe Freud was on to something with that penis envy theory. Of course disease from smoking or unprotected sex may be an unintended consequence of the feminist movement, but it doesn't deter them in the least. Recently female primates have been taught to smoke, I guess that's one small step in their evolution toward becoming a modern day woman.

Parasitic mind control

Parasites are in our food, our homes, and in our bodies. There is a fungus that kills ants by sprouting vegetation that grows out of their brains. Now I know why Moe called Curly a cabbage head. No wonder kids don't eat their vegetables. These days I am more worried about the parasites that control the media. Practicing mind control with half a brain is a dangerous thing. Just ask the nearly bankrupt New York Times. "All the shit that's fit to print".

http://headlines.blogs.starnewsonline.com/12719/ny-times-sulzberger-well-stop-printing-the-times-someday/

Mean People

Is it me or are there a lot of mean people running around lately? Everywhere you go people are pushing you, cursing you, and acting like someone stuck a garden hose sized catheter in them. Even people who are paid to kind and caring suck. I went for a yearly physical and the lady who took my blood stabbed my arm repeatedly like a blindfolded kid trying to pin a tail on a donkey. She finally found a vein and forced the needle in so hard she damn near gave me an aneurysm. When I left I had more holes than a junkie, and more black and blues than Rodney King. I should have spilled my urine sample on her. Maybe we should be more sympathetic toward mean people. Maybe they had a screwed up life, or maybe they were abused or neglected. Well that's too f__ing bad! The only thing mean people are good for is marrying your ex-wife!

ASSassins (very offensive)

How is it that recent terrorists are so stupid they can't even blow themselves up let alone kill any innocent civilians? Richard Reid the shoe bomber still has all his toes. People lose their toes every day, and they don't have a bomb in their sneakers. Farouk Abdulmuttalab the underwear bomber still has his penis. People lose their penis everyday in industrial accidents, and marital altercations, and they don't carry explosives in their shorts. John Wayne Bobbit lost his when his wife cut off the source of his infidelity. Thankfully the police issued an A.P.B. for the penis using an artists sketch. A passerby recognized it and called 911 who immediately dispatched a detective. They figured it takes a dick to find one. Now we got an idiot in Copenhagen who set off a bomb and burned his face. What kind of moron straps a bomb to their face? First they started at the feet, went to the pelvis, then to the face, what part of the body is next? Maybe they could shove a stick of dynamite up their ass and light it. Coming to think of it Al Qaeda has already tried it. You can't make shit like this up.

http://www.nypost.com/p/news/international/item_hKiF3TDJkgYItnBQkJXmTN

Dimmer than a burnt out bulb

Incandescent light bulbs have illuminated our lives for over 130 years. They are cheap, but the government has decided they are inefficient and waste energy. As of 2014 they will be phased out, and only CFL (compact fluorescent lights) and other efficient bulbs will be sold. The only problem is incandescents are made in America, and today alone 200 workers will lose their jobs. The CFL bulbs are made in China. So in order to save energy Americans will be unemployed, but at least they will be saving electricity. The light bulb is usually associated with a brilliant idea, but when a politician gets an idea it's more than likely associated with a burnt out bulb.

Disposal of CFL bulbs is so dangerous there are 87 steps you must follow. Check the link.
http://www.epa.gov/mercury/spills/

Take it all off!

I am old enough to remember how hot Marilyn Monroe was. I may have been a youngster, but I immediately felt a tingle go up my leg. Not to be confused with the idiot who had the same feeling for Barack Obama. He must have had a disturbing childhood. As a teenager I was able to get my hands on Playboy magazine and other things, and became enamored by the exquisite beauty of the female body. Today men are still enjoying the sensual pictures of naked women, except in addition to clothes they have removed skin, muscles, tendons, and organs. When they say take it off, take it all off, they really mean it.

http://dailycaller.com/2010/09/09/seeing-through-the-x-ray-pinup-girls-nsfw/

Zombie 101

I have always liked zombie movies, especially the classic "Night of the living dead". The fact that dead people could come alive and eat you is probably the scariest scenario in all horror movies. I was amused to discover that colleges such as the university of Baltimore have been offering zombie classes. I am sure the parents who have invested a fortune in their children's education will be madder than Freddie Kruger from "Nightmare on Elm Street" when they find out. Freddie enjoyed ripping students apart so I assume he must be one of those pissed off parents who refinanced their home twice and delayed their retirement ten years just to send junior to college. The truth is young people already spend most their time in a trance staring at a laptop, or listening to music oblivious of the outside world. Maybe their just practicing for their zombie finals.

http://www.metro.co.uk/weird/840238-university-of-baltimore-to-teach-zombie-classes

Must be those damn ...

B.P. was responsible for the greatest environmental disaster in the America. Day after day we agonized over oil covered beaches, fish, and pelicans. A moratorium was issued banning deep water drilling, and cap and trade was again on the table due to renewed desire to protect the fragile ecosystem. Then a strange thing happened. The well was sealed, the oil stopped and the gulf slowly began it's recuperation. The "green" initiatives made during the disaster quickly receded like the tide. It wasn't the democrats fault, it must be have been those damn snake oil selling repelicans.

More cushin for the pushin

There is a saying that plump girls are better at sex because there's more cushin for the pushin. A new scientific study now claims that fat man are better lovers than skinny guys. The reason is they have more female sex hormones and it takes them longer to ejaculate. It could also be why they have such large breasts. The survey found fat men could last an average of 7.3 minutes during love making. So is that why all the gorgeous girls are dying to jump in the sack with one ton Tony? Now I know where they got that expression he's got a crush on you. By the way the skinny guys only last 1.8 minutes, but at least they don't need a spatula to scrape their wives off the bed when their finished. Kind of gives new meaning to being infatuated.

http://www.news.com.au/entertainment/body-soul/fat-men-enjoy-longer-lasting-sex-scientific-research-show/story-e6frfou0-1225914453080

He scores!

Decapitation, what a crude, barbaric method of execution. Fortunately it went out with the Medieval period, but the news travels slow in the Middle East. That's why they don't believe in the holocaust, they are just learning of the crusades! Dutch politician Geert Wilders has recently been condemned as an enemy of Islam by a Muslim Cleric. His punishment will be a 365 degree Colombian necktie. A beheading might be a little extreme, but beating your wife, mutilating your young daughters genitals, stoning adulterers, amputating limbs of thieves, and forcing women to cover themselves so only their eyes can be seen might also be a little extreme for a religion of love. Yes I know not all Muslims support beheading infidels, but draw a blasphemous picture of Mohammed and see how many of them will rally around you for support. My guess is they'll kick your head around like a soccer ball. (Sports announcer) It's good! He scores! Iran wins the W.H.K.C. (World head kicking championship), and the crowd goes wild!

http://www.earthtimes.org/articles/news/342606,wilders-beheading-summary.html

Playing doctor

Sundsvall hospital in Sweden had a patient in the emergency room who waited so long to see a doctor he took a needle and thread and sewed up a large cut he had on his leg himself. He was reported for using hospital equipment without authorization, and was arrested. I guess he was supposed to sit there and bleed to death while waiting for a doctor to tend to him. At the same hospital pregnant women have the honor of cleaning the bed after they give birth. When they say that socialized medicine really gets you involved in your medical care they weren't kidding. After you play doctor, you get to play nurse.

http://www.thelocal.se/28150/20100803/
http://www.news.com.au/breaking-news/mum-asked-to-clean-hospital-room-after-birth/story-e6frfku0-1225908612738

Constitutional wrongs

Everyone knows we have rights. Even the dumbest criminals know they have the right to remain silent, although they must have terrible memories because even after 25 arrests we still have to repeat them. President Obama reminded us of the right of freedom of religion concerning the protest over building the Ground Zero Mosque. He failed to realize we know our constitution better than he does. Currently the A.C.L.U. is suing President Obama over the policy of targeting American citizens (Al Awlaki specifically) for assassination without trial or due process. I figured the president of the Harvard Law Review would know better. Wiretaps without warrants, breaking contract law in the G.M. bankruptcy, the mandate to buy health insurance and many of the bills making their way through congress are to say the least outside the boundaries of the constitution. When honest citizens complain about Congress failing to uphold and defend the constitution, we are quickly reminded of the right to remain silent. I thought Miranda warnings were specifically for the protection of criminals, and Chicago politicians.

http://blogs.abcnews.com/politicalpunch/2010/08/aclu-sues-to-block-targeted-killings.html

Driving me crazy

Driving is one of the great American pastimes. With thousands of miles of paved highways, scenic vistas, beaches, mountains, and landscape, cruising the U.S. is the best way to travel. Unless your a commuter going to work during rush hour. In Bejing there was bumper to bumper gridlock for 60 miles that lasted for nine days! Imagine calling your boss and saying I'll be a week late I am stuck in bad traffic. That's almost as bad as having the same relative die year after year so you can go to the super bowl.

http://articles.latimes.com/2010/aug/25/world/la-fg-china-traffic-20100825

Forced Malpractice

Everyday people contact attorney's to file a lawsuit against a doctor or hospital. Got an infection ask for 100k, the surgeon left behind a sponge ask for 200k, and if his negligence caused you to become a quadriplegic ask for 50 mill. That is unless you live in Saudi Arabia. A judge there has ordered that a criminal have his spine cut as punishment for beating a man and paralyzing him. The so called "eye for an eye" code of the Koran. Doctors are declining to do so for ethical reasons, and it will be interesting to see if the clerics will prevail in their enforcement of Sharia law. If this is what they do to their own people I wonder what they will do to their spineless enemies?

http://canadafreepress.com/index.php/article/26756

Drunken Baboons

While most drunks act like animals, some animals are starting to act like drunks. Capetown South Africa has become a big player in the wine industry, and the local baboons are becoming very addicted to the fermented grapes. While I prefer red wine they prefer Sauvignon Blanc, a very good choice with their mostly vegetarian diets. Unfortunately they become very aggressive when drunk, kind of like the the punks in your neighborhood bar. They break into homes, steal food, and even surrounded a child and pelted him with fruit. Some get so drunk they pass out and don't make it home. I guess no one offered them cab fare. Recently the stimulus plan sponsored a program testing cocaine on monkey's. Along with their current problems of alcoholism, rehab centers are going to turn into a real zoo. At least Paris Hilton, and Lindsey Lohan will be in good company.

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/africaandindianocean/southafrica/7969313/Drunk-baboons-plague-Cape-Towns-exclusive-suburbs.html

Pepto Abysmal

The T.S.A. has some splaining to do. Al Soofi from Yemen was allowed to board a flight in Chicago even though he generated security concerns. In his luggage was a cellphone wired to a pepto bismol bottle. Maybe all those annoying telemarketing calls gave him indigestion, but more than likely it was a test to see if a remote detonating device would be picked up by security. Apparently it wasn't considered to be a bomb, although it wasn't sent to a lab for testing. He was allowed to continue flying with his luggage, but later was arrested on his way to Dubai. The last two terrorist attempts were foiled not by well equipped, well funded, well trained security agents, but by inept, inexperienced clowns with explosive underwear and a barbecue grill in their S.U.V. Now we got a guy testing us to see if we can detect a bomb in his luggage, and the T.S.A. just figures he got gas or something. What an abysmal record for Homeland Security. Janet Napolitano should be sucking down a case of pepto right about now.
http://hotair.com/archives/2010/08/30/breaking-two-men-arrested-in-amsterdam-on-terror-charges-after-boarding-flight-in-chicago/