The lord of the flies

It seems the President attracts a lot of flies lately, and even killed one on live televison to the dismay of People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals. Now I understand why $866,000 of the stimulus package was for fly control. I originally thought it was for use in stables, I am now convinced it was for the Presidents benefit. The title "lord of the flies" is the literal translation of Beelzebub from Strong's concordance. Bloggers have made the connection and ran with the storyline that the President is a demon and hence the flies are attracted to their lord. I personally do not believe that. Demons are extremely intelligent and our President has not exhibited the cunning or deceit that an evil spirit possesses. If anything he is a ignorant pawn that will be used to draw the world into a worldwide holocaust that will provide a feast for the flies that currently annoy him. Well that's one way he can get rid of those pesky little dung eaters.

The British are coming!

In 1775 Paul Revere made his famous ride to warn of the advance of the British army. 226 years later the British are still on the attack, not with soldiers, but with oil. I guess they are finally getting even for losing the Revolutionary War. Yes British Petroleum has single handedly caused the worst environmental disaster in U.S. history. There's only one problem. The rig and safety equipment was American, and only 40% of the companies shares are owned by the U.K. So why does the President constantly refer to them as British Petroleum? I believe that since George Washington was immortalized by defeating the British in 1781, President Obama also wishes to establish his legacy by the defeat of British Petroleum. The difference is Washington was willing to give up his life for victory, while President Obama wouldn't even give up a round of golf. War is hell, especially if it delays tee off time.

One nation, under water?

It seems the atheists would like to remove "under God" from the pledge of allegiance, and I understand their position. I also wonder what they would substitute in "God's" place. "One nation under law" seems to be a good substitute, except law's change regularly. Even when they don't change new supreme court rulings reinterpret them. Not too consistent is it? How about one nation under man? Humanists believe in the power of men, and I agree with them. We disagree in that I believe men have a tendency toward evil, and to enslave their fellow man. My belief is based on history. You know all those old dusty books that chronicle the wars, murders, and depravity of mankind. How about one nation under water? Between our fiscal recklessness, and the supposed melting polar ice cap, under water is something we can all agree on.

I got a bigggg mouth!

Well not this big.
But it is surprising to see the kinds of mutilation people will endure to make themselves beautiful. Whether it's slicing your skin, putting a bone through your nose, or piercing your jaw with a javelin, the more pain the more beauty. In our advanced society the pain associated with beauty is administered by a Cosmetic Surgeon under anesthesia. So having your lips enlarged like Angelina Jolie is easy and pain free. Maybe having a biggg mouth like our friend in the picture is a beautiful thing. Although it can be embarrassing when the plate is removed and it sags like a pelicans pouch, but at least he can go swimming and fishing at the same time. Plus it's nice to know you always a have a plate when lunch is ready.

There's no need to fear, lawyers are here

Trouble at the border with drug cartels toting AK-47's? Don't bother calling the border patrol. Trouble with terrorists plotting to blow up N.Y.? Don't bother to have the C.I.A. waterboard them. There's no need to fear, lawyers are here. Like "Underdog"* they are the new superheroes fighting evil corporations, profiling police, and Governors who try to keep their state from being overrun by Mexican drug lords. When the B.P oil rig exploded the Commander in Chief went down to Louisiana not to coordinate a solution using the vast resources of the U.S. government. He went down to negotiate monetary compensation like all good attorney's do. Hail to the Lawyer in Chief who destroys the bad guys as any "action" hero would. Legal action that is.

*Underdog was an animated series from 1964. He was the canine equivalent of Superman.
His motto was "There's no need to fear, Underdog is here".

Live forever, or die trying

Take Rodney Dangerfield, Milton Berle, and the Three Stooges to man the suicide hot line and what do you have? People dying of laughter. Now take Richard Dawkins, Karl Marx, and Friedrich Nietzsche to man those same suicide hotlines and what do you have? A coroner shortage. Yep, there would be so many stiffs they would have to hack them up and put them in Ziploc bags. (Caution, don't mix them up with your kids school lunch). Geniuses for some reason can only think according to the formulas and parameters of logic. In effect they are trapped in a box, kind of like those annoying mimes. On the other hand comedy is the opposite of rationality, or as Groucho Marx said "humor is reason gone mad". So if life is so bad your considering jumping out your window make sure you don't have a balcony, or if your planning on taking a bath with an electrical device make sure it's not battery powered. As for me "I intend to live forever, or die trying".

Ring around the gulf

So does anyone know how to stop the B.P. rig from gushing oil? Probably not. I can't even stop my toilet from leaking, and it isn't a mile under the ocean. Sometimes a fix can be relatively easy, but the conditions may make it impossible. For instance most people can change a light bulb, but put them in a straitjacket and it's not so easy. Repairing an oil rig in over 5,000 feet of water presents more challenges than Charlie Sheen trying to enter the priesthood. That begs the question, why build it there? That makes as much sense as installing a toilet on your ceiling, but at least you'll never have to worry about that dirty ring around the bowl. Ring around the gulf, now that's something to worry about. Maybe the Ty-D-Bol man has a product for that.

No use crying over spoiled milk

In Bali a young boy named Alit was caught having sex with a cow. According to the Jakarta Globe newspaper the local villagers conducted a special ritual to cleanse Alit of his abomination. One of the requirements was that he marry the cow, but in the middle of the ceremony he fainted. Possibly he was worried as to how to place the ring on her hoof, or how the heck would he carry her over the threshold? Maybe he was concerned his neighbors would call his wife a "fat cow", and what if she became pregnant? The villagers would assume she was unfaithful, even if he claimed it was bull. In the end the ritual required that the cow be drowned in the ocean, and the young boy was symbolically drowned and cleansed. As usual the innocent suffer, but there's no use crying over spoiled milk.

Wanton women

A wanton may be a delicious dumpling, but can also describe women who are sexually immoral. Some wanton women charge money for this particularly bad kind of behavior, and as such have similar characteristics to the edible wanton. Both are best when they are hot and juicy. Both come with a sauce, one soy based, the other vaseline based. Both can be picked up, or delivered to your room. Both may be found in the local police precinct. One inside a cop, and the other inside a cell. One has meat covered in dough, and the other has a "John" whose meat is covered in latex (if he's smart). The major difference is advertising. One can be found on ads, menu's, even on television. The other is secretive, and available only to discreet clients. That is unless your Eliot Spitzer, then its on the cover of every newspaper. He should have said he called room service requesting wanton, but the clerk misunderstood and sent a wanton women. They always screw up the orders anyway, don't they?

Time to give up french fries

I woke up this morning and found a small brown bump on my head, another of the many erupting growths I have discovered on my body recently. As I get older I am reminded of a potato I found in the back of my fridge. It had so many things growing out of it I wasn't even sure what it was. Then I remembered my father used to call me a potato head, and said I even had potatoes in my ears. I ordered a copy of my birth certificate and it said I was born in Idaho. Weird huh? Maybe it's time to give up eating french fries, because everyone knows you are what you eat.

Accidentally on purpose

I love the excuses people give when they are in auto accidents, like:
1) "A pedestrian hit me and went under my car".
It's true pedestrians are arrogant and purposely walk slow in order to dent your car. Then they go under it presumably to damage your engine, the nerve!
2) "I glanced at my mother in law and went over an embankment".
He probably hoped that by going over the embankment she would be thrown from the vehicle. The next time she needs a ride to the hospital call an ambulance!
3) "The pedestrian didn't know which way to run, so I ran over him".
I hate it when people run back and forth in front of moving vehicles. Its reminds me of the game of tag you played as a child. I guess the pedestrian is "it".
4) "I saw a slow moving old man as he bounced off the roof of my car".
I am really tired of these show off senior citizens. They have senior golf championships, old timer baseball games, and now senior gymnastics. What ever happened to playing chess in the park?

The Hallmark of racism

I cannot believe that Hallmark had to remove one of it's cards due to a racism charge. Yes, the company that comes up with those sappy slogans to show how much you really care when someone is ill, needs sympathy, gets married, or a combination of the three. The card was for students who graduated and was the kind that uses electronic voice technology. The phrase "black hole" is audible, but the reality is that it is used in a cosmological context. While blacks have a right to be sensitive considering the past abuses by whites, they selectively target individuals. They gave Bill Maher a pass when he said he yearned for a real black president with "a gun in his pants", or when Harry Reid said the people supported Obama because he was light skinned and had no negro dialect unless he wanted one, or when the L.A. Times published that Barack was the "Magic Negro" nothing was said until Rush Limbaugh played a parody of the song on his show then he was called out as a racist. I didn't realize racism is strictly defined by one group, and applied as they see fit. Now I understand where the phrase "the pot calling the kettle black" came from. Oops, is that racist?

Dead before you know it.

When I was a child the concept of time was very confusing. My mother would say "hurry up we have no time", and my father would say "hold your horses we have plenty of time". How could two people have different opinions about a standard of measure? An inch is an inch, a foot is a foot, no argument there. Yet it appears time can also be interpreted in an abstract manner. When I was 18 I thought a 30 year old was a living fossil, now I'm fifty five and I think I'm 18. Go figure. I was taught that bacteria are old, millions of years old, but in relation to the infinite scale of time they really are quite young. If that's is true I am just a 55 year old infant by comparison. No wonder I need diapers, and soft easily digestible food. At this rate I'll be dead before I'm old enough to know it.

How I learned to love Cap and Trade

It is bad enough Al the fire breathing, global warming, gas bag has been preaching his holier than thou crap about curbing our greenhouse gasses while single handedly destroying the planet with his jet setting, vast motorized entourages, and multiple domiciles consuming more carbon produced resources than a small city. Recently it was reported he and wife Tipper are getting divorced allegedly due to his wrinkled ass bouncing up and down while doing the dirty deed on his mistress Laurie David. He is so out of shape that his labored breathing is spewing more CO2 into the air than the contestants on "The Biggest Loser". Maybe the E.P.A. can ban this fraudulent, snake oil selling, ecological disaster from discharging his bodily waste products and polluting our nation. They should "cap" his pie hole "and trade" him to the Chinese. Now that's legislation I can learn to love.

Vulcan President

Conspiracy theorists believe that President Obama was never a U.S. citizen, and they believe the certified birth certificate he provided was forged. Even those who acknowledge his citizenship contend that he is not a mere mortal. He was sent to this world to bring peace by coddling terrorists, to restore the land and the sea through his cap and trade plan, and to heal humanity through his Universal Health Care Plan. In fact some believe he is a type of Messiah from an unknown universe who traversed the cosmos and became one of us. In doing so he gave up his extraterrestrial form, and took on ours so he could walk among us. The truth is out there, and now his disciples have posted a picture of Obama in his divine nature. His gift to mankind is his promise to resurrect those who are faithful to him. All they have to do is say "beam me up Scotty".

One big butt.

One of the most embarrassing words in the English language is but. But officer I didn't know it was loaded. But how is that possible, we only had sex once. But honey I honestly thought she was a real masseuse. While these are the kinds of buts we try to avoid, there is one we eagerly seek. The big butt that protrudes out of an undersized bikini. Like a monkey in heat that large butt sends out a sexual signal so strong that it can be picked up on a shortwave radio in the Ukraine. Strange considering the butt really serves no purpose in mating, but it does keep a women perfectly stable while spastic males pound, jerk, and twist on top of them like they're trying to generate an earthquake of 9.0 on the Richter scale. Maybe homes in areas along geologic fault lines can use a foundation based on a buttocks style design for superior stability. The only problem is the occasional odor in the basement, but that you can always blame on mold.

Crime and Punishment

The Supreme Court has decided minors who are given life sentences with no parole (except for murder) have been subjected to "cruel and unusual punishment". I thought courts are where the victims receive justice for the cruelty they received at the hands of mindless barbarians. Everyone agrees today's children are more advanced than previous generations. Yet when it comes to being held accountable for their actions suddenly they are just kids, and they don't know better. Make up your damn mind! Not holding children accountable for their actions leads to one thing. Six foot, 250 lb. monsters that rape, and pillage like Atilla the Hun. When you remove punishment from crime all you have left is criminals.

Wall Street Bull

Took a trip to to Wall Street today and wound up at the bronze bull in Bowling Green. Many tourists were taking pictures under the bull's ass. Some couples were even kissing, possibly mistaking the testicles for mistletoe. In reality after the bailouts of Wall Street it would be totally appropriate to have a memento of the ass that shit all over taxpayers. Remember the slogan "Merrill Lynch is bullish on America". Sorry for the typo, it should be "Merrill Lynch bullshit on America!".

Please don't delete me!

Delete: To remove or make invisible. Life is hard enough when your a loser. Your job sucks, your still living with your mom, and an eviction notice from the Sheriff was just posted on her trailer. You signed up for an online dating service and after three months you only went on one date. You finally realize how much hair and teeth contribute to a person looks, and that obesity can be a turn off when you can't tell one part from another when they are naked. But you are desperate and consider going on a second date when you realize she has deleted you. In a second it is as if you never existed, doomed to the oblivion of cyberspace. In the old days breaking up meant you had a chance to cry and beg hoping your pitiful appearance would make them feel guilty enough to continue seeing you. Deleting a nasty letter you were planning to send your boss is okay, but a women who deletes you, well that's down right really bad internet etiquette.

Hey! It was only an itch.

A man accidentally shot himself in the testicles in a Lowe's store in Seattle. Apparently it is a common practice to carry a gun in the waistband of your pants with the barrel facing down toward your penis. No normal person would carry a knife like that, so why a gun? It was rumored it all began with an enterprising armed robber. When he walked up to the clerk at the local convenience store and stuck his hand down his crotch he knew the clerk would think he just had jock itch. When he pulled a gun out it took his unwary victim completely by surprise. Thanks to that incident every time you walk in a 7/11 and reach down to scratch your nuts Mohammed jumps over the counter and starts swinging a golf club at you.

GMH (Genetically Modified Humans)

Altering the D.N.A. of fetuses is coming to a mall near you. While your shopping for a new bag or watch you can stop by the G.M.H. center. Here we can map the D.N.A. of your fetus and alter it to your specifications. You can determine sex, skin color, height, weight, and facial features with our deluxe package. You drive a custom Mercedes, you had your home specially designed, why let your most important possession be determined on the basis of genetic mutations, or hereditary diseases? Why take the chance of having a hermaphrodite or Siamese twins? No more misfits in your family tree, guaranteed. G.M.H. for the child you always wished you had, or your money back.

Aspire to greatness

The words "political" and "correct" have nothing to do with each other. Politics involves back room dealing, lying, coercion, and payoffs. What could possibly be "correct" about that? That's why congress has a public opinion approval rating lower than 30%. In fact politics has more in common with organized crime than public service. Like the mob politicians make deals with union thugs, payoffs to phony organizations (like Acorn), and strong arming weak stooges like Senators Blanche Lincoln, and Ben Nelson. These events transpire at privately held meetings reminiscent of the Corleone's sitting around a table of lasagna at Clemenza's, and deciding whose legs needed breaking. Consigliere Rahm Emanuel and Obama's muscle Nancy Pelosi were the "Capo's" of the Obama crime family and more feared than Sammy "The Bull" Gravano who was involved in 19 murders. They didn't whack their enemies, but would ruin their reputations and careers instead. Payoffs were part of their modus operandi, and were used to reward those faithful to the "Capo di tutti" (boss of bosses) Obama. These were paid for by shakedowns, a technique politicians have perfected by targeting certain groups to higher tax rates. This racket is controlled by Timothy Geithner whose crew is known as the I.R.S. There once was a mafia boss in Staten Island whose home was a replica of the White House. I guess even criminals can aspire to greatness.

Gone with the passing wind.

Real men are becoming extinct like Fred Flintstone and public pay phones. Thanks to the EPA, and global warmists they will replace our pickup trucks and S.U.V.'s with small hybrid deathtraps. Next they will remove meat from our diet, only tofu burgers and salads will be permitted. The final indignity is they will take our voluptuous, full bosomed women and turn them into anorexic skeletons like runway models. No real man wants a woman like that. They only appeal to gay fashion designers and remind me of the ASPCA ads for abused animals. We can't make fun of fags, fatties, freaks, bi's, lesbo's dykes, butches, Muslims, or even politicians (especially black ones). We can't even burp or fart anymore unless we apologize. Real men, gone with the passing wind.

Droopy pants syndrome

Do you remember when you were a child you tried to wear your parents clothes? Hopefully you chose the right gender, not like Elton John or Liberace. You would stand in front of a mirror and put on a shirt that was so big you could use it as a tent. Then you walked around in shoes that were so big you stumbled with every step. It was fun, but you grew up and eventually bought your own clothes that were the proper size. Well some of you did. A large group of young men are still acting like they are children wearing adults clothes. Their pants hang so low they look like a child that needs to go potty. That's a sight only a mother changing diapers should witness. The sad thing is they probably still live with their mother. One of the first things you teach a child is how to dress. If they couldn't get that part right, they will eventually suffer from "droopy pants syndrome", a disease that leads to constant falling and perpetual unemployment.

Mine is bigger than yours!

No, I am not referring to the arguments that take place in school gym lockers. I am talking about buildings, those monstrosities of steel and glass that determine the prestige of a city. One city may boast about having the tallest building only to be outdone a short while later by another city. The Burj Dubai towers are currently the worlds tallest at over 1,700 feet. Most of it is, and will remain vacant. This attempt to continually build ever taller structures with limited intrinsic value is similar to human pride. It is empty, vacant of any real substance. It is temporary, it's enemy "time" quickly dismantles it. It is embarrassing, because it eventually crashes like the fragile humans who exhibit it.

Indecent Exposure

I love the beach, and recently spent a week at a Hilton Head resort. Like any normal adult male I occasionally gawked at the lovely women in tiny bikini's that bounced along the shoreline. No wonder infidelity is America's favorite pastime. Unfortunately there were also a number of indecent bathers present. I don't mean they were naked. I mean their bodies were offensive, and too disturbing to go uncovered. Why would an eighty year old, overweight, spider veined, cellulite covered, wrinkled and blemished woman wear a thong like bathing suit? When she bent over a tiny strap embedded itself in the crack of her ass, exposing two monstrous, pimply, cheeks of voluminous flesh that caused uncontrollable gagging in passersby. The front was even worse as her extensive pubic hair emerged from a tiny triangular piece of stained cloth, a horrific sight indeed. The top of her bathing suit could barely contain her massive breasts and the pressure on those tiny straps holding it was immense. Had they snapped it could have lopped your head off. How could such a beautiful landscape suffer such indignity? Indecent exposure.

Better living through science

Like most Americans I take a pill to lower my high blood pressure. I also take a pill to increase the blood pressure in my penis so I can have an erection, and then I take another pill to lower the pressure in my eye from glaucoma. Later I take a pill to reduce the pressure on my urethra from an enlarged prostate. Unfortunately it gives me headaches so I have to take a pill to reduce the pressure in my head. I also suffer from depression so I take a pill to relieve the pressure of day to day living. My boss then told me I was being fired because I couldn't handle the pressure of my job. That's okay, I am going to apply for disability. My lawyer say's with all my medical problems I'll never have the pressure from working again. I guess all those pills really do work.

The agony of defeat

I love basketball, football, and especially look forward to the Olympics. I recently noticed they listed a curling competition, which I assumed was weight lifting. I was astounded when I had realized my mistake. It's friggin shuffleboard like the old people play in retirement homes only on ice! One person pushes a u.f.o. like disk and two idiots grab a broom and sweep the ice in front to control it's movement. This is a sport only a janitor could appreciate. I guess after watching a skier fall off the side of a mountain and break nearly every bone in his body we have an expectation of exhilarating performances that curling cannot compete with. Disappointment is the true agony of defeat.

*Hey, I think they missed a spot.

Readin, writin, and fistin?* (Offensive)

Some states spend up to 15,139. per student for education. So what do you get for all that money? Possibly a 50% graduation rate, but at least the students know how to fist each other. That's right, thanks to the school safety czar Kevin Jennings the founder of GLSEN the gay lesbian and straight education network, your children will know how to shove their hands up each others rectum and vagina. Funny, but I haven't seen any classified ads for fisting in the employment section. I guess that's why when I call Citibank I get some guy in India. So what will these kids do when they graduate? Half will be permanently unemployed and the rest can work on farms yanking breached calf's out of their mothers uterus. If there are no more jobs they can be prostitutes, just make sure you pack condoms and ky jelly in their lunchboxes. Readin, writin, and fistin. After the taxpayers are screwed, their children are next.
*March 25, 2000 at Tufts University 200 students children as young as 12 were instructed by State employees about fisting and other homosexual practices. Three employees were fired.

So easy even a caveman can do it.

For the caveman life was a tough proposition and in order to secure the girl of his dreams he needed to stretch the truth. A smart Neanderthal would tell his prospective mate that his cave had running water, clearly an advantage over his less successful knuckle dragging competitors. He would conveniently fail to mention it was under a raging waterfall. Kind of hard to sleep with all that noise, huh? Or he might brag that his cave was heated, a modern miracle for that age. Of course he would leave out the part that it was located next to an active volcano. Having your loincloth catch fire all the time can be a drag, but the constant shaking would turn your rock slab bed into one mean heat and massage vibrator. That will have the girls drooling. The biggest advantage a suitor possessed is having an indoor toilet. After all no one wants to go out in the jungle at night to relieve themselves. The are a lot of critters waiting to bite or sting, some may even take up permanent residence in those sensitive areas. The indoor bathroom claim really means he has a giant dung mound in his cave. Aromatically offensive, but as a perk all those dung beetles provide a tasty late night snack. Lying, so easy even a caveman can do it.