The breast tasting ice cream

All natural free range human breast milk is now available in ice cream form in the U.K. I am not really sure what they mean by free range since breasts don't usually wander around untethered from their owners. It probably means they have a significant amount of exposure to the outside world. Now that's one farm I'd like to visit and perfect my milking technique. To be honest I have a problem with products derived from humans. I certainly wouldn't want bread made from a yeast infection. A womens cherry, well that's one pie worth eating.

http://hotair.com/greenroom/archives/2011/02/25/for-the-palate-thats-had-everything-breast-milk-ice-cream/

Rope a dope

Rope a dope is a style of boxing made famous by Muhammad Ali. It involves a defensive strategy that wears out your opponent then allows you to easily finish them off. For a female rodeo protester in Chile she was roped because she was a dope. She endangered her life by entering the arena, and had to be lassoed and dragged away like a dumb animal. That's one wild  filly that needed to be broken.

http://barbara.guanabee.com/2010/09/teenage-chilean-rodeo-protester-lassoed-dragged/

Caution: May cause cancer

For all you people who practice oral sex it may be time to give it up and start smoking. A study has found that oral sex is the leading cause of throat cancer for people under 50. I guess people over 50 don't practice it much, although with brittle bones it may be safer than the rough and tumble kind. For people who have performed oral sex on more than six partners there is a eight times greater risk of developing head and neck cancer. All that that bobbing back and forth really irritates the neck muscles. The Surgeon General is considering a regulation that a warning label be attached to all penises like those on cigarette packs. It will be in small print, but will get larger and be more obvious when you fail to heed the warning.


http://dailycaller.com/2011/02/22/is-oral-sex-worse-than-tobacco-say-it-aint-so/

Flushed

I am pretty pissed off at the low flow toilet my co-op installed in my  bathroom. It seems I spend a lot of time flushing and cleaning whenever I drop a reasonably large load. So I am very happy to report that a hotel has developed a toilet that can swallow 18 golf balls at one time. I know that people sometimes go to a hotel to have sex, but I may go just to take a dump. Since I'll be leaving a large deposit I won't have to give my credit card.

*http://www.aolnews.com/2011/02/18/hotel-introduces-super-strong-toilets-able-to-flush-golf-balls/

It (ain't) the real thing

Need a sex change? Well your companies health plan might be paying the $75,000. fee for you soon enough. Companies like Yahoo, AT&T, and even Coke have included trans-gender surgery in their benefits. I am surprised about Coke since their motto was "It's the real thing". Tell that to the guy who is dating a man who had his penis amputated and turned inside out so they could make him a vagina. I wonder what demented doctor pioneered that type of surgery? He's probably the same one who figured out putting water balloons in women's breasts made them bigger. Maybe they left out an "a" in the middle of the abbreviation M.D.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1359279/Want-sex-change-Work-Coke-How-Americas-biggest-corporations-paying-transgender-surgeries.html

Who is teaching who?

In California they are now using G.P.S. to track truants*. Specifically these are students who have at least 4 unexcused absences. Well how about the teachers in Wisconsin who will have been out 4 days come this Mon?  They call in sick, get paid, and then appear on the local news complaining about the governor. So this is the state of the public education system. They teach students to lie by calling in sick when they're not, submit doctor's notes to substantiate they're ill without ever being examined**, and commit fraud by being payed sick leave when they are not sick. Seems like the teachers should be wearing the G.P.S. bracelets not the students. I remember when I was growing up it was the students who played hooky, did the protesting, and broke the law. Who says you can't learn anything in a public school?

  *http://losangeles.cbslocal.com/2011/02/18/gps-to-track-truant-students-in-anaheim/
**http://www.bloomberg.com/news/2011-02-20/excuse-notes-from-docs-at-protests-draw-scrutiny.html

Public Assisn't

Public assistance cards are similar to A.T.M. cards and can used for food, but you can also use them at casino's, racetracks and liquor stores. That is until recently when this practice became illegal. Can you imagine the audacity of the government telling the people where they can spend their hard wormed cash? They are even considering passing a bill to prevent the cards from being used at strip clubs. I was wondering do the dancers walk around with cards sticking out of their panties instead of dollar bills, or do you slide the card in the slot between their legs? You can just imagine where the change comes out. No wonder money has so many germs.

http://denver.cbslocal.com/2011/02/14/colorado-bill-bans-welfare-cards-at-strip-clubs/

Brand new booty

The ass of a typical English woman is kind of like the earth pre-Columbus, flatter than a pancake. So many are taking a pill called Brand New Booty, a hormonal cocktail considered dangerous for humans. It's purpose was specifically designed to fatten up chickens, and make them more productive. The bad news is that some users have gotten cancer, and yet woman still keep taking them. When asked why one lady said "we need the eggs".

http://dailycaller.com/2011/02/14/many-british-women-so-desperate-for-bigger-bum-they-take-chicken-fattening-pills-the-sun-news/

Coming up short

Tiger has been having problems with his stroke lately and has been coming up short. It is not unusual for men his age to get teed off when they are close to the hole and can't finish it off. This is why the P.G.A. established the handicap, a way of giving you help when you have trouble scoring. His caddy recommended hanging a panty instead of a number on the flag hole, but Tiger just can't stop hooking.

Yep there's an app for that

New York has some of the safest water, safest food, and now the safest sex. Thanks to a new app your smartphone will tell you the nearest location to obtain free condoms*. I always figured if you could afford a phone with the accompanying internet, texting, and calling charges you could afford a condom. I'm waiting till they'll have an app to tell you where to get free sex, only then it will be worth the monthly fee. Already the Microsoft Windows 7 phone is developing software for that purpose. The only problem is it's plagued with viruses, just like the free sex.

*http://www.telegraph.co.uk/technology/apple/8324741/Condom-app-unveiled-in-New-York.html

Walmarts Capital offense

At a Washington D.C. anti-Walmart rally Commissioner Brenda Speaks said "young people would get criminal records when they couldn't resist the temptation to steal"*. The retail giant has been accused of many things like sending jobs overseas, flooding the market with unsafe Chinese goods, and bankrupting local mom and pop businesses. Now they are responsible for turning decent Americans into criminals. Maybe Soviet style Communism is the answer. When everyone owns nothing no one can can steal anything. Except the politicians of course.

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2011/02/09/AR2011020906783.html

Clapping for boobs

Some of you may remember the clapper commercials. Clap once and the light turns on, clap twice and the light turns off. Well now some Einstein invented a bra prototype that comes off when you clap twice. After all those embarrassing moments fumbling with that stupid clasp it's no wonder men hate bras. It's the wardrobe equivalent of the Rubik's cube! Can you imagine going to a Broadway show and at the finale everyone applauds and hundreds of bras come flying off. There will be standing ovations even if the performance sucks.
http://dannynasco.blogspot.com/
The Clap-Off Bra from Randy Sarafan on Vimeo.

Mommy what's snow?

According to David Viner senior researcher at the East Anglia Climate Research Unit "...in a few years snow will be scarce, and children just aren't going to know what snow is". This was in March of 2000 and in ten years England had plenty of snow every year except 2002. So what happened when his prediction turned out to be false? He was promoted to head the British Council's Climate Program. In 2007 the E.P.A. concluded "Snow season length and snow depth are likely to decrease in most of North America...". The Intergovermental Panel on Climate Change (I.P.C.C.) said "As temperatures rise the likelihood of precipitation falling as rain rather than snow increases...". So why did Al Gore state "...increased heavy snowfalls are completely consistent with what they have been predicting as a consequence of man made global warming"*. This guy must have been sucking on an exhaust pipe and thinking it was a cigar. The title of this blog should be "Mommy what is a snow job", and the answer is every prediction made by the global warming misfortune tellers.

All that CO2 is giving me a headache!

*http://dailycaller.com/2011/02/11/is-al-gore-wrong-on-the-environment-global-warming-is-not-to-blame-for-snow/

President's original birth certificate located!

President Obama's original birth certificate was located yesterday, and it conclusively proves he is in fact Ted Williams the homeless singer. The facts are they have never been seen together in public like Clark Kent and Superman. The President's teleprompter and the homeless mans sign both had "change" as a common theme. Ted has behavioral and drinking problems and Obama has had numerous beer summits at the White House as a result of "acting stupidly". Similarly they both made deals with the drug industry, one in the back room and the other in the back alley. The most damning evidence is that in 2012 the President will become homeless once again. Those community organization skills can sure come in handy at the local soup kitchen.

Back to the future

Texas school districts are requiring some students to learn Arabic as they claim it is "language of the future"*. By future they mean 500 A.D. when they developed Arabic numerals which is the last time they invented anything useful. Actually I just found out Arabic numerals were really of Hindu origin**, and that's why O.P.E.C. can't figure out the price for a barrel of oil. Their most recent contribution to mankind was the compact camel which goes 50 miles on a gallon of water, and the suicide bomber. This is one of the most illiterate civilizations on the planet, so what could we possibly learn from them? Maybe how to calculate the distance a skull can travel from a ounce of C4, or if a Ginsu knife can cut through spine better than a sword. Apparently the D.O.E. (department of eggheads) believes you have to go back 15 centuries to go to the future. I look forward to the day when they invent the wheel, dragging my ass around all day is killing me.

*  http://www.theblaze.com/stories/tx-school-district-plans-to-force-some-students-to-take-arabic-language-culture-classes/
**http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Arabic_numerals

readin, rightin, and gamblin

Scammon Elementary School

Our school system sucks money they way a black hole sucks planets, and the only bang for our buck we get is the exploding violence among students. So in spite of a 700 million dollar shortfall Chicago Public Schools sent 14 of its teachers on an all expense paid spa and resort conference in Las Vegas. I guess the students don't massage them as well as the professionals, but it's important that teachers learn the odds of winning at slot machines vary between slim and none. Speaking of math no wonder the students can't multiply except by becoming pregnant. Coincidentally the name of the school is Scammon Elementary. I believe the correct spelling is Scamming.

http://chicago.cbslocal.com/2011/02/07/school-sends-teachers-to-vegas-spa-on-taxpayers-dime/

Anybody get that plate number?

Hit and run accidents are serious crimes so N.J. assemblywoman Cleopatra Tucker sponsored a bill requiring bicyclists to register their bikes and display license plates*. This was due to a large number of elderly residents being run over by young hoodlums. The only problem was the elderly had trouble seeing the small plates, and when they did see the numbers they couldn't remember them. The police couldn't even verify they were run over by bikes because their wrinkles camouflaged the tire marks. In the end widespread protests by bicyclists meant the law was knocked down faster than aunt Meg crossing the road during the Tour de France. Anybody get Lance Armstrongs plate number?

*http://www.nj.com/news/index.ssf/2011/01/nj_assemblywoman_slams_brakes.html

When giants ruled the earth

Kim Jong ILL

Why is it that midgets want to rule the world? Whether it's Kim Jong IL at 5'3", or Mahmoud Ahmadinejad at 5'2" these demented dictators could not even see eye to with Hitler who was 5'8". I got nothing against little people (I'm one of them), but everyone should know their proper place. At one time giants ruled the earth, but these leaders seek to destroy the natural order of things. Whatever happened to the "big fish eat the little fish" theory of evolution? By their logic the villain in the movie "Jaws" would be a sardine. Now there's a story about a man eating fish.