Recovery Act 1, Scene 2

The "green" technology show goes on in spite of solar panel company bankruptcies, and failed business models thanks to team Obama. The next act opens with L.E.D. lighting being forced on the ignorant drones formerly known as American citizens. Scientific studies indicate it causes health problems and excessive hair growth. This will turn us into a nation of  sickly Neanderthals as hairy as a mutated Chia pet. The only upside is students who are graduating college can find work as barbers. Imagine running up thousands of dollars in student loans just to get a job to shave bigfoot. They call this the "Recovery Act", but this whole play is a bomb.

Star of the new musical "The Recovery Act."

Tubular balls

Solyndra was a manufacturer of tubular shaped solar panels, and as you know they filed for bankruptcy after securing over 1/2 a billion dollars in loan guarantees from our government. I think the officials at the D.O.E. had a lot of balls approving tax payer dollars for a company to create a product when "it cost them $6. to make a unit. They're selling it for $3. (and) In order to be competitive today, they have to sell it between 1.5-$2"*. My research indicates their panel design would have been better if it was funnel shaped like a toilet. It wouldn't have kept their business afloat, but it's great at flushing money.

*http://www.americanthinker.com/blog/2011/09/industryanalysts_have_been_questioning_solyndra_business_plan_for_years.html

And away go dollars down the drain.

When websites attack

"Attack Watch" was set up by the Obama administration so that the lies, and smears, floating around about the President could be monitored, and the individuals reprogrammed by Media Matters. Some have likened this to 1930's Germany where citizens were urged to turn in their neighbors. Unfortunately many people have taken this as an opportunity to mock the Commander in Chief posting things like: He is so thin skinned he shaves with an eraser. He should be called the Condemner in Chief because he always blames everyone for his failures. His wife Michelle spends more time overseas than Roman Polanski. His administration saved or created millions of food stamp recipients. The Presidents Blackberry isn't a phone, it's a reference to his hemorrhoid. Someone even tweeted Ronald Reagan may have been a child actor President, but Obama is just a child acting President. "Attack Watch" is turning out to be the largest collection of jokes about the reigning O'Bumbleclot**. We may not get economic relief, but at least we'll get comedic relief. Take his wife-PLEASE!

You report, I deport.

*http://www.attackwatch.com/
**Bumbleclot is a Jamaican curse word.

The Coffee Club

Toby, over at realdumbnews broke the story of a shop in Washington called Java Jugs where you get a lap dance along with your coffee*. Finally there is justification for those ridiculously overpriced cappuccinos. Unfortunately the police have been cracking down on this lewd behavior, but I believe it is protected by the Declaration of Independence. I recall the lines "We hold these truths to be self evident...they are (well) endowed by their creator with certain inalienable rights...(especially) the pursuit of (my) happiness". In fact there is no better way to wake up than with a hot cup of Joe and a pair of giant headlights beaming in your face. Now I know why deer freeze.

Sorry mam, I'm lactose intolerant.

*http://realdumbassnews.blogspot.com/2011/09/java-jugs-have-coffee-and-lapdance.html
 Headlights is a euphemism for female breasts.

Sex by the numbers

A judge has ordered a Frenchman to pay his wife 10,000 Euros compensation for his failure to provide her with adequate sex*. Well I'm confused. Paying a woman to have sex with you is usually illegal, but if you don't have sex with your wife it's illegal, and you must  pay her. According to this line of reasoning a wife is a documented prostitute, and a prostitute is an undocumented wife. Our country seems to be very lenient towards undocumented individuals lately, so maybe we should give them a break. Like Charlie Sheen says "Don't report them, support them"!**

Hey we had an oral agreement!

Update: I am filing a class action lawsuit on behalf of all the men who have been denied adequate sex from their wives. The law office of Yank, Pullim, and Jerkem will be handling the case.

*http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/europe/france/8741895/Frenchman-ordered-to-pay-wife-damages-for-lack-of-sex.html
** Charlie never said it, but I'm sure he thought it.

Ticket to ride

 A New Mexico state trooper was unknowingly photographed having sex with a woman on the hood of her car. He had pulled her over for having a suspended panty, and then engaged in what appears to be improper use of a vehicle. His trusty K9 chihuahua helped to subdue the suspect and stood guard to prevent  her escape. The officer then gave her a ticket for a mechanical defect due to a leaky rear end, and left the scene of the grime.

Whatever happened to the long "arm" of the law?

Update: The officer in the picture was fired. He
was a recipient of a "Challenge Coin" an award for going above and beyond the call of duty. Perhaps he was saving her life from a vaginal itch that was killing her.

Weekend warriors

In N.Y.C. this past Labor Day weekend there were 67 people shot resulting in 10 deaths*. Which goes to prove that our idiot gangsta's can't shoot for shit, especially while their pants are falling down. Since everyone knows it is safer to be a moving target the morons in City Hall decided to to combat gun violence with new bike lanes. This way they figure you could pedal your ass off to dodge the hale of bullets. Now if they could only prevent the trucks from running us over it would really reduce the mortality rate.

*http://www.nbcnewyork.com/news/local/Labor-Day-Violence-New-York-City-shootings-129268118.html

It's okay, he's flatter than a pancake,
but there's no bullet wounds.

Deep in the heart of Texass

Looks like this pole is
being over taxed.



Governor Rick Perry of Texas has signed some new laws into effect*. One is that it is legal to shoot feral hogs from helicopters. Michael Moore immediately filed a lawsuit citing the hazard to his health. They also raised the state speed limit to 85 m.p.h. Since there are lots of highways near the border there is no way the illegals are making it across without being pulverized into Tex-Mex road chile. This sounds more like a policy to reduce immigration if you ask me. A really rotten law is if you plan on visiting a strip club you will have to pay a $5.00 tax. Some have referred to it as a pole tax, but I prefer to call it an uncover charge.

*http://news.yahoo.com/blogs/ticket/shooting-hogs-helicopters-fishing-hands-five-perry-approved-170245980.html

Oingo Boingo Obama

Uncle Onyango take your sister and get
back in the closet!

President Barack Obama's uncle Onyango a.k.a. Oingo Boingo Obama has been arrested for drunk driving outside the Chicken Bone Saloon in Framingham Mass*. Like the chicken bones that pile up after an all you can eat wings contest there appear to be a number of skeletons in Obama's closet as well. First his aunt is here illegally, and his uncle had a deportation notice against him. Rather than deporting aliens our government would rather deport jobs instead. How about enforcing the law, and putting a damn lock on that closet!

http://www.azcentral.com/news/articles/2011/08/29/20110829obama-uncle-arrested-dui.html
Oingo Boingo has nothing to do with Onyango, it just sounds better than his real name.

oK-Y bother

K-Y intense helps intensely
dried up prunes

K-Y jelly the lubricant for those sensitive areas has made a commercial featuring lesbians*. I always thought lubricant was for guys who were too selfish to bother with foreplay. It's understandable that age and health may be a factor in a women's normal ability to become lubricated, but I would have thought lesbians would have used an easily available organic remedy. But it's Ok, why bother with that when you can fool mother nature with K-Y.

*http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2033294/K-Y-air-advert-featuring-lesbian-couple.html

AfricAcorn

Acorn in Africa

President Obama's approval rating has sunk to a low of 38%*. I heard that Colonel Gadaffi had a higher approval rating and they blew up his compound, tried to kill his kids, and are forcing him to flee the country. He was offered safe haven by Robert Mugabe the President of Zimbabwe, and said if Obama needs asylum he is welcome also. It may not be Kenya, but it's still safer than Chicago. Besides they opened a new Acorn chapter and need a president.

*http://www.thegatewaypundit.com/2011/08/gallup-fail-obamas-disapproval-rating-hits-all-time-high/

Arab Spring

The only spring I'm concerned with in the Middle East is the oil oozing out of the ground. The notion that true democracy is flowering in the desert is about as preposterous as planting a garden of thorns and thistles. It's useless except to the mindless dim wits who write for the mainstream media. Who is defending the  freedom for women, gays, and religious diversity? This movements only purpose is to substitute one hygienically deficient despot for another. Maybe they should try Irish Spring instead.


GETS RID OF STINKING DICTATORS!



The Holy book of Al

Nature, the peer reviewed, world renowned science magazine has an article which points to the sun as the primary agent in controlling the climate on earth*. This common sense idea has been known by all peoples, in all places, throughout human history, except to the morons of this current generation.
*http://www.newsroomamerica.com/story/165340.html

and blubbering like a beached whale
 he gave up the ghost 8:17.

The Holy book of Al  7:22
Then Al, who was known by his followers as the messiah, was mocked, and scourged by the angry crowd who claimed he was a liar and a deceiver. They forced him to carry a solar panel on his shoulders and he was taken to a hill of his water view property to be crucified. With his last breath he cried out, my sun, my sun, why has thou forsaken me?


This story is fictitious and sarcastic. It does not promote violence or encourage it. It is not intended to be sacriligious, but point out the difference between a false prophet and the one true savior.
Beef Blogonoff

Guitards

Beautiful axe, but where
are your papers?

The Feds raided the Gibson guitar factory and confiscated pallets of wood with the claim that they were illegally harvested*. This means your Les Paul can be confiscated, and you can be fined if you don't have the proper documentation. The really bizarre thing is that the Fish and Wildlife Dept. is conducting the investigation.  Shouldn't they be confiscating the Fender Mustang instead?

Updates: The Dept. of Justice has been accused of selling guitars to Mexican drug cartels who then converted them into bows and arrows and were shooting them at customs agents. The operation was called axewalker.
Homeland Security detained an undocumented ebony fingerboard at the border. Aliens were let through and escorted to the nearest Social Security office.
 

*http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424053111904787404576530520471223268.html 

Catatonic shock

Oh Shit, he's bigger than my dog!

A housing worker in Brooklyn killed a 3 foot rat*, and fire department hook and ladders were immediately dispatched to the scene. Why? How else are you going to rescue all the cats hiding in the trees?

*http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2030226/Housing-worker-kills-giant-rat-New-York-project.html

Dead Broke

Damn, Rahmen noodles again.

Illinois cannot afford to bury it's poor dead people due to it's budget problems*. The fact that they can't afford to feed their poor people may be the reason. I've heard Chicago's deficit is so bad their food banks only stock Rahmen noodles. 

*http://www.nbcchicago.com/blogs/ward-room/Why-Illinois-Cant-Afford-its-Dead-127534403.html?dr

The perfect storm



 Hurricane Irene is barreling up the East Coast with winds up to 100 m.p.h, and heading directly toward my apartment in Lower Manhattan*. In spite of the possible loss of life and billions of dollars in damages there are some who look on every disaster as "an opportunity to do things you think you could not do before"**. I guess by that they mean surfing 20 foot waves in the Hudson River, snorkeling the ruins of Wall Street, and catching striped bass from my 11th floor balcony. Some intelligentsia will see this as opportunity for stimulus spending. Maybe I can get in on that "cash for lunkers program***.

She looked taller in the photos.

*http://www.nypost.com/p/news/local/hurricane_irene_carolina_path_toward_993RrKolrBSXAaTBOMi4YL
**Quote from Rahm Emanuel.
***A lunker is a large fish. This program does not exist, but it should.

Regulation irregularity

It sure beats walking

Our government has created more stupid rules, regulations, and laws than you can possibly imagine*. This is not a recent phenomenon, and has been going on for hundreds of years. For instance in Kentucky every citizen is required by law to take a shower once a year, and that's why Willie Nelson had to move to Alabama. In Mass. no gorilla is allowed in the backseat of any car. I guess that means it's okay if they are in the front seat. In New Mexico females may not appear unshaven in public. They passed that law after they saw Madonna's center fold in Playboy magazine. In North Carolina it is illegal to sing off key. I hear Whitney Houston is eligible for parole in about fifty years. In Rhode Island you are not allowed to bite off any ones leg. That law was passed after police took a look in Jeffrey Dahmer's refrigerator. In Utah it is illegal not to drink milk. Unfortunately for the lactose intolerant it is also illegal to fart in public. By some estimates all these bizarre laws that are still on the books would imprison at least 50% of the population. Apparently there must be a law banning common sense somewhere.

*http://www.stupidlaws.com/

Have you herd the news

The Dept. of Labor has come up with new rules and regulations for herding goats and sheep*. That's right, the U.S. has finally been returned to it's place of preeminence in the world. While others are developing sophisticated weapons, software programs, and electronics we are pioneering the field of goat herding, and only 2,000 years too late. The Dept. of Health will be issuing new guidelines for those who engage in intercourse with the herds as we already lead the world in sexual diseases. Some new public service billboards will feature slogans like; Always have a condom with ewe. Venereal disease is baaad, and don't tenderize the lamb till it's a chop. Some say the assholes in government have gone too far. I say they haven't gone far enough because they're still on this fucking planet!

I hope Obamacare covers
antibiotics.

* http://www.therightscoop.com/great-news-team-obama-setting-new-regulations-for-goat-and-sheep-herders/

Bird Brain

A Burbank businessman has been arrested for feeding pigeons. He may get up to 6 months in prison, and a $1,000. fine*. I have nothing against feeding these flying lab rats of bacterial plague, but I think this man deserves a nice long vacation in Gitmo. Feeding birds near an airport has to be the stupidest idea to come along since teaching Saudi's how to fly a jumbo jet, and skipping the lesson on how to land.




Mmm they must have had chicken for lunch, there's wings
everywhere

*http://www.latimes.com/news/local/la-me-bob-hope-pigeons-20110822,0,1666029.story