The bravest man in the world?

Every year Serbia holds a testicle festival, and Michael Jackson received a posthumous award since no one held their balls more often than he did. Just kidding, this festival is about cooking testicles. Camel, boar, ostrich, kangaroo and of course the reigning testosterone king, bulls balls. They make goulash out of them (ghoulish?) and even pizza although I think it will be a long time before any one eats Papa John's testicle pizza. Those older testicles can sure be tough. Surprisingly President Obama received an award since "He is the bravest man in the world" and "He showed he has balls" according to the organizer Ljubomir Erovic. If Obama had any balls his terrorist bombing friend Bill Ayers probably blew them off, either that or his constant curtsying to world leaders has shrunk them. For your entertainment a picture of the bravest man in the world.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/38904723/ns/world_news-europe/

Obsession meets reality

Hoarders are known for collecting things, but have you ever seen them hoard gold, china, fine art, or antiques? To me they seem like people who continually forget to take out the trash, and after a couple of years they become part of the trash themselves. To prove my point Billie Jean James of Las Vegas was missing for four months. Police searched the home several times using cadaver dogs who are specially trained to smell decomposing bodies. Eventually her husband Bill found Billie Jean's feet sticking out from under a pile of junk that reached from the floor to the ceiling. The garbage had become her tomb, a rotten microwave dinner box her headstone. When obsession meets reality there is a disaster in the making, or at the very least an exploitative new cable television show.

http://www.google.com/hostednews/ap/article/ALeqM5hk3EHn9n_UVFd2eEMcvmTEJVgNuAD9HS12QO0

Obama bumper stickers

I hate bumper stickers. They are harder to remove than a tick on your dog or an incumbent in Congress. It is also a reminder that what you supported yesterday doesn't seem so smart a week later. Kind of like getting a tattoo of your girlfriend's name then breaking up the following day. There are some people who are totally consistent in their ideology, standing firm on their commitments regardless of the outcome. I've witnessed this by noticing some individuals still display Obama bummer stinkers, oops I meant Obama bumper stickers. These stickers are like our president, almost impossible to remove till at least 2012.

Bridge builders

Imam Faisal Rauf of the Ground Zero Mosque was promoted as a "Bridge Builder" by Bush, Obama, and the mainstream media. Apparently they forgot about Muzzamil Hasan the original bridge builder of Buffalo N.Y. This moderate Muslim created "Bridges T.V." with the purpose of correcting the misconceptions of Americans toward Islam. As I stated in a previous blog his wife Aasiya decided to divorce him. As a true moderate he reacted responsibly by beheading her. That's one bridge I wouldn't dare to cross.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/35016371/

Doctor John

Your yearly medical checkup is about to become much easier, and you won't even need to see a doctor. All you have to do is go to the bathroom. The Japanese have developed a toilet that analyzes your urine, blood pressure, temperature, and weight all while heeding natures call. Mechanical doctors can help minimize the embarrassment of certain tests, specifically prostate for men and gynecological for women. The downside is will we allow machines to handle and enter those parts of our body we hold most dearly. Without the ability to feel pain a machine is unable to sympathize with our discomfort, even worse it might breakdown. I guess it will be more embarrassing being wheeled into the emergency room with Doctor John's mechanical arm stuck in your ...

http://news.yahoo.com/s/afp/20100825/wl_asia_afp/lifestylejapanhealthtechnologytoilets

Another poke in the eye.

How do you know if a wasp is angry? You don't know it, you feel it. On the other hand if you are a scientist you can tell a wasp is angry simply by looking at their face. Black spots indicate aggression, although getting close enough to see their face probably means you'll be screaming and covering your eye like it was poked with a hot iron. I figured since only the female stings why haven't the scientists considered looking between their legs? Another useless bit of information brought to you by government sponsored stimulus.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/sciencetech/article-1304578/How-spot-angry-wasp-Scientists-recommend-looking-face.html

Turn on the freaking light

What do you think wives complain about most concerning their husbands bad habits? Drinking too much alcohol, having too many affairs, or taking too many drugs? Well their biggest complaint is men forgetting to put the toilet seat down at 54%, leaving wet towels on the bed 23% and dirty laundry on the floor 15%. How the hell are half the marriages ending in divorce if those are their biggest complaints? Maybe they should have married a butler instead. No one but bubble headed bimbos from slasher movies go into a room without first turning on the light. So why would an intelligent woman go to the bathroom in the middle of the night and do the same ? I don't pee in the dark and they shouldn't either. The company that sponsored this survey makes the Lav-Nav, a device that attaches to the lid and glows green when the seat is down and red when it is up. I got a better idea "TURN ON THE FREAKING LIGHT"! It will not only save you from a cold,wet, slap on the cheeks, it just may save your marriage.

Tax dollars down the drain

Yes your tax dollars are literally going down the drain. Food stamp recipients use to be able to sell them for cash and buy things like drugs, liquor, and cigarettes. New methods of disbursement prevented that until a new scam was born. In Bangor, food stamps are used to buy 480 bottles of spring water for $86.79. The customer then goes to the back of the store and proceeds to dump the water down the drain. He then redeems the empty bottles for $24. No wonder this guy is an unemployed asshole. He could have sold the bottles for 50 cents a piece and walked away with $240. Anyone that stupid deserves to eat shit!
http://dailycaller.com/2010/08/21/bangor-food-stamp-scam-dumps-water-for-deposit-using-taxpayer-funds/

Fraudian slip

Most people 65 and over have medicare. This program boasts some of the biggest fraud claims, roughly 74 billion dollars stolen per year. Recently a fraud was uncovered for vacuum erection pumps, devices that can provide elderly men with an erection. How the hell is that a health problem? How could the government possibly reduce health care costs when they are paying for items that are not medically necessary? Even worse the bills were for female patients! Every idiot knows women have erection problems, they don't have a penis! Maybe medicare should pay for a penis transplant to go with the pump they've already paid for! On a lighter note the businessmen responsible for the theft say they didn't mean to do it, it was just a Fraudian slip.

http://www.miamiherald.com/2010/08/16/1778414/2-hialeah-businessmen-busted-for.html#ixzz0xClJLHj7

Martha's Dumpyard

I was upset to learn that Martha's Vineyard is a real dump. Apparently the water is infected with fecal coliform bacteria so the vacationing Obama's will not be able to swim. The President is forcing Martha to put up a 20 million dollar escrow account for damages to vacationers from poop smeared bathing suits, enterococci infections, and cleaning turd slicked birds. Obama vowed to use the full power of his office to coordinate the clean up. The crew will arrive in 60 day's. I guess the gulf don't look so bad after all.

http://scaredmonkeys.com/2010/08/21/obamas-vacation-on-marthas-vineyard-will-fecal-coliform-bacteria-prevent-the-first-family-from-swimming/

The show must go on

Naked sunbathing is a natural, legal activity in many European countries. In Italy a women filed a complaint claiming a topless women applied sun tan lotion in a "sensual" manner. I imagine a naked women rubbing herself all over would be more than sensual, and I would have been willing to help her with those hard to reach places. The complaint stated it disturbed her two young boys 12 and 14 years old. I fail to understand why she would have taken her children to a beach that allowed nudity. I also fail to understand how the boys would be offended by a women fondling her oil drenched bosoms when even the police claimed she was beautiful. In all likelihood the kids were aroused by the spectacle and their mother became offended. To the delight of the boys she continued even when told to stop. Like they say "The show must go on".

Coming to a town near you

It is the 20th century and in the Middle East they are still stoning women. Due to recent pressure over their barbaric inhumanity the Iranian embassy reported local authorities have decided Sakineh Ashtiani a convicted adulterer will not be stoned. She already has been given 99 lashes and has spent 5 years in prison. In an effort to combat the negative perceptions of Muslims Muzzammil Hasan of Buffalo, N.Y. created Bridges T.V. Unfortunately his wife Aasiya filed for divorce and he beheaded her on Feb 13, 2009. Sharia law coming to a town near you.

Knockoff virgin's?

Some guy tried to sell me a Rolex Datejust watch yesterday for 25 bucks, a great bargain considering it usually cost about $3,200. Sadly it's one of these cheap copies from China that will probably implode by the time you get home. While most of us have bought pirated d.v.d.'s, music c.d.'s, and handbags, we probably didn't know we could get a knockoff virgin. It seems that Chinese men prefer to marry virgins, a very rare commodity these days. In an attempt to flood the market with fake virgins they have used reconstructive surgery to restore the female hymen. An intact hymen is the measure by which women are judged to be a virgin. While Henry Ford designed the first mass produced assembly line in America, he never could have imagined naked women rolling down a conveyor belt having surgery on their vagina's. Progress, you gotta love it.

http://www.aolnews.com/surge-desk/article/virginity-redux-chinese-women-try-hymen-reconstruction/19596705

Get me a stripper I am about to have a nervous breakdown!

Imagine a disabled man is flown free of charge to Amsterdam to have sex with a prostitute. Imagine it's your tax dollars that are paying for his sexscapade. His social worker claims "sex is a human right" and authorized the funds for his trip. In fact taxes are paying for visits to lap dancing clubs and for exotic holidays. One man with a brain injury even has sex as part of his therapy. Well get me a stripper I am about to have a nervous breakdown! Unfortunately this is not happening in the United States, but in the U.K. Talk about outsourcing jobs, aren't the prostitutes in the U.K. any good?

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1303273/Councils-pay-disabled-visit-prostitutes-lap-dancing-clubs.html

The ocean smells funny

I have trouble using certain recycled items, toilet paper for instance. I blow my nose, wipe a tearing eye, and drain a blister with it. Contemplating that Rosie O'Donnell once cleaned her fat ass on it causes my great consternation. It is bad enough I have to swim in used condoms, used tampax, and your previous bout with diarrhea at the beach. No wonder the ocean smells funny.

Roscoe to the rescue

In ancient Rome there was one word that caused widespread panic, and that word was "leper". Today New Yorkers shriek in horror when they hear the word "bedbugs". It is such an epidemic that Victoria's Secret, Abercrombie and Fitch, and Time Warner have had to call for exterminators. Thankfully we have Roscoe the bedbug sniffing canine from Bell Environmental. He has saved thousands from the torture of being bitten to death in their sleep, and his heroic efforts were featured on the show Animal Planet. I used to think dogs were flea bitten, tick infested, mite harboring, disease ridden hair bags, but now I apply that adage to humans instead. Roscoe to the rescue.

http://www.facebook.com/pages/Bed-Bug-Dog-Roscoe/119469122714

Rude, lewd, lascivious, and unarmed

Eddie Campbell was sitting in Booker T. Washington Memorial Park when a deputy noticed a woman was sitting on his lap and they were moving oddly. He walked closer and realized Eddie had his shirt off, and his pants were around his ankles. Assuming the obvious he continued closer and realized the woman had no arms. He stopped for a second contemplating the bizarre situation, and pondered the right thing to say. Then it became crystal clear. Eddie was moving a mannequin on his lap and was masturbating with the other hand. When the officer identified himself Eddie threw the mannequin down and pulled up his pants. Some people just don't know how to treat a lady.

http://www.dailymail.com/policebrfs/201008080399

Human suppositories

The economic downturn has caused many to seek employment in unusual fields. Wall Street brokers are working on farms, and I.T. workers are delivering pizza's. Some have stuck their head in the sand waiting for the worst to pass and others have stuck their heads in... Of course the pay is low, but there's plenty of free gas. I have heard of suppositories for humans, but never of a human suppository.

Real Stimulus

While our states may be broker than aunt Mabel's hip, politicians have come up with some interesting ideas to fill the coffers. Legalizing prostitution and collecting tax is one idea. Prostitutes will be issued a license from a newly appointed state agency. There will be a very rigid oral test, and a yearly inspection for worn, leaky equipment. Europe has already updated, regulated, and taxed the worlds oldest profession. Pretty soon you may see a sign like the one in the picture. That's one shovel ready project that's a real stimulus.

Dirty Jobs

You may have seen the show "Dirty Jobs" on cable. It chronicles the adventures of Mike Rowe as he travels around examining some of the most disgusting jobs people perform to make their living. Some are absolutely necessary, but others don't appear to provide a rational benefit. The subjects in question may be the group in the picture sniffing for body odor. Is their job title "Pit Master", and do they work in an olfactory? I have heard of keeping your nose to the grindstone, but this is ridiculous. Maybe they are testing for pheromones. Those are pungent chemicals that are excreted or secreted and can induce heightened sexual response. No wonder love stinks. For some people life is a bowl of cherries, these ladies just get the pits.

The impotence of teachers

Teachers prepare young people with the skills they need to succeed, and insure our nation can compete in the global economy. That's seems to be a little too much pressure for some, and the result is they can't get an erection. While their generous medical plans have previously provided Viagra for free, the $786,000 cost has forced the cancellation of this benefit. The union filed suit over the cutback, and members gathered to air their grievance at the local town hall. Protesters were yelling no erection, no education, and hell no we won't grow. The union president declared "the impotence of teachers cannot be taken for granted". I agree, but why are the taxpayers always the ones who get stiffed?

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/38596955/ns/health-sexual_health/

Jailhouse Idol

The people who bring you Dancing with the Stars, and America's got Talent are planning a new show with prisoners as the contestants. I wonder what kind of talent a jailhouse idol possesses? Gymnastic talent like jumping bail. Surgical talent like removing an eyeball with a comb shiv (improvised weapon). Singing talent like ratting out their friends to the tune of a reduced sentence. Talent in chemistry by creating bombs out of urine, and feces. Sounds like an exciting hour of entertainment! Maybe they should host the New Newlywed game in prison. That will be a winner since Bubba knows his hoe's inside and out.

tattoo you

Seems like everyone is getting a tattoo these day's. I always wondered if a women gets one on her breast is it a tittoo? Anyway why do really dark people get them when you can hardly see it? My friend is black and I thought his tattoo's were scars from child abuse. No wonder he was pissed when I kept telling him to go for counseling. Some people get them where no one can see them and others get them on their face so you can't avoid seeing them. I have to admit it's really scary running into someone who looks like the guy in this picture. Someone who would mess up their own face this bad certainly wouldn't mind rearranging yours like Rikers Island sloppy joe.

Ant that a shame

Stimulus money was spent to study how cocaine affects monkeys. Surprisingly they started acting like the Ex-Mayor of Washington D.C. Marion Barry. The F.B.I. even taped them smoking crack with a prostitute in a hotel room. Conclusion: Wasted monkeys=wasted money.
You probably have heard of the bridge to nowhere. Well now they have built a matching sidewalk, and it ends in a large ditch. Conclusion: Exactly where we will end up from all this debt.
$1.9 million stimulus dollars went to taking photos of exotic ants overseas. Must be for some kind of weird geek magazine. I think I'll just stick to the Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition. The President has claimed "the stimulus has created millions of jobs". Conclusion: I find it hard to believe that any normal person will actually pay someone to perform this kind of work, except the government. Ant that a shame.

Chernobyl beast prize

Hoards of radioactive wild boars are overrunning Germany like wild Mongols, and attacking people at will.Over 500,000 porkers have been killed, but they can't be eaten because of high radiation levels. This is due to the fallout from the Chernobyl disaster which happened over 24 years ago. President Obama has pledged military support in the ongoing war against these filthy pigs. Who knows, after receiving the Nobel Peace Prize he may be awarded the Chernobyl Beast Prize. At least he would have actually done something to earn it.

http://www.foxnews.com/scitech/2010/08/03radioactive-boars-rampaging-germany/

Environmental Police Activists (E.P.A.)

The E.P.A. first claimed methane emissions from cows were bad for the environment, no complaint there. Then it was humans exhaling CO2, and here I beg to differ as my very life depends upon it. Now it is farm dust they are looking to regulate. How would a farmer with hundreds of acres of dirt be able to stop a twenty mile an hour wind from kicking up dust? How could the vast, undeveloped, federally owned land throughout this nation have it's dust contained? Maybe a giant vacuum cleaner? Apparently the knuckleheads in the E.P.A. want us live in an sterile environment like the bubble boy, the upside is we can roll down the highway and save gas. These power hungry activists are determined to suck the air out of our citizens and the life out of our economy. They should realize that the rotting corpse left in the wake of their intervention is more toxic than farm dust. I guess they can regulate that too.

The shrunken brain

I always wondered why I couldn't comprehend algebra and now I finally know why. It's all my wife's fault. A recent study at Princeton suggests that sex makes the brain grow. Considering how little sex most men have after fifty its no wonder our brains shrink and we get C.R.S. (can't remember shit). I planned on adding this argument to my repertoire of excuses why we should stay sexually active. Unfortunately I keep forgetting to bring it up. As a result that shrunken brain has lead to other things shrinking.

Sex the final frontier

"These are the voyages of humanity, it's ongoing mission to explore strange new perversions, to seek out new ways of self gratification, to boldly go where no degenerate has gone before". Sounds like sci-fi porn, but since the dawn of man more time, thought, and energy has been to devoted to sexual fulfillment than even space travel. The show Star Trek mirrors this voyage as it was once very popular and exciting. Then it was relegated to boring reruns, and eventually will be cancelled due to lack of interest. Like William Shattner we wind up old, fat, and stinking like a stale cigar. No wonder the actors cry when they film the final episode.

Profiles in stupidity.

Nancy Pelosi said "We have to pass the (healthcare) bill so that you can find out whats in it". Can you imagine signing a contract and not reading it? Millions of Americans did when they bought homes they couldn't afford and it nearly destroyed our economy. Nancy should remember that lesson when the same thing happens as a result of this idiotic bill. Her wisdom is self evident when she said (concerning unemployment benefits) "It creates jobs faster than almost any other initiative you can name". If sending people a check for not working creates jobs then send me one too, it's the least I can do for my country. Some people believe Nancy likes to stretch the truth, and with all that botox it may be pretty easy.