Swedish meatballs

Sweden is well respected for their universal healthcare, and this government run program offers all it's residents equal access. Unfortunately it is not as perfect as one might think. A man visited a local clinic for foreskin irritation, and after three weeks of treatment he was not cured. He was referred to a hospital where he got an appointment five months later. By then they realized he had cancer and his penis would have to be removed. The good news is his balls were not cancerous and they will be hanging around a long time. Although hanging around too long without proper handling is what gets you in trouble in the first place. Kind of like the Swedish meatballs in the cafeteria at Ikea.

http://www.thelocal.se/31130/20101229/

Permission denied!

I just heard you need a permission slip to say the pledge of allegiance in a Brookline Mass school. When I went to school permission slips were required if you went on class trips as there was the possibility you'd fall in the lions cage at the Bronx Zoo, or the rickety old yellow bus would flip over and you would be decapitated. It was an attempt to prevent the school from being liable for your maiming or possible death while out on the town. How the hell can you get hurt from saying the pledge of allegiance? Maybe some junior Jihadi with C4 in his Mecca lunchbox might blow a fuse, or some left libtard who hates America would contact Bill Ayers to help him make an I.E.D. (Improvised Explosive Device). You don't need parental permission for abortions, but young patriots who desire to pledge their allegiance do. Someone forgot it is the patriotic servicemen and women who die to preserve freedom, the babies die because of our freedom to act like irresponsible assholes.

http://www.myfoxboston.com/dpp/news/local/school-sends-home-permission-slips-for-pledge-of-allegiance-20101222

Have an Abu Dhabi Christmas!

As you all know Christmas has almost been banned in America. Some say it is nonsensical, violates the constitution,  and is not politically correct. Sadly many atheists become depressed, and others are hateful of the love, faith, and good will shared by Christians during this joyous season. So this year I plan to spend the holiday in Abu Dhabi. Where else can you have an 11 million dollar Christmas tree and people who still dress like the shepherds in the bible?

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2010/12/16/abu-dhabi-hotel-debuts-11_n_797585.html

Climate of terror

Everyday we are invaded by extremist elements who plan on destroying us and our way of life. No I am not talking about Jihadi's or drug cartels crossing the Mexican border, I am talking about the climate! Janet Napolitano the head of the Dept. of Homeland Security is setting up a task force to protect us from Global Warming. She can't defeat an enemy that can be seen, so why not fight one that can't be seen? Afterall no one would know if we won or lost anyway. Hopefully it will keep her from fondling my teabags. She can't possibly believe they make bombs that small could she?

http://www.opposingviews.com/i/how-is-global-warming-a-homeland-security-issue

A.A.R.P. (American Association for Redneck People)

Rednecks of the world rejoice you finally have your own membership organization. For a small fee you will be entitled to discounts at retail outlets featuring truck parts, trailer hitches, boots, and manure. There is no dental plan because few members had enough teeth to make it worthwhile. In addition there is counseling for those who object to incest, and alcoholism. After all how are you going to get new members?


http://washingtonexaminer.com/blogs/capital-land/2010/12/society-founder-rednecks-underserved-large-population

She's a beauty!

After he's blown up a few tourists, beheaded a few blasphemers, and amputated a few criminals limbs what's a jihadi to do? How about winding down and checking out some babes at the biggest beauty pageant in Abu Dhabi. There will be prizes awarded totalling Dh35 million, but no bathing suit competition. That hump seems to get in the way all the time.
http://jammiewearingfool.blogspot.com/2010/12/camel-beauty-pageant-kicks-off-in-abu.html#links

Julian Massengill

You tried keeping your menstrual bleeding in check, but it always seems to leak when you least expect it. Well Pakistani makers of a sanitary napkin called "Butterfly" have created a product of you, and their slogan is "Wikileaks...Butterfly doesn't".  It seems natural to link Wikileaks to a vaginal discharge since Julian Assange is a douche bag. Coming to think of it his last name reminds me of mAssengill.

http://jammiewearingfool.blogspot.com/2010/12/finally-something-useful-comes-from.html#links

Debbie does Dallas in 3D (Very Offensive!)

3D movies are playing everywhere, and soon your favorite male porn star will be popping up and out at your local theater. Film makers are currently using  equipment that will make it look like the actors orgasms are actually shooting into the audience. When this is coupled with effects like spraying a mist you can imagine the howls from theater goers during the climax of the performance. Talk about being immersed in the plot. The concession stand will be offering specially designed snacks for the premier, and paramedics will be standing by for the occasional gagging patron.

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/culture/film/film-news/7946572/Race-is-on-to-make-the-first-3D-porn-movie.html

White Friday Sale

As the holidays approach it seems everyone is having a sale. Macy's, Walmart, and now even Fairfax Cryobank a company that specializes in the sale of sperm. Certainly a gift that is on most every ladies wish list. For those men who have low sperm counts and poor motility what better to stuff your wife's stocking than a potential child with the mind of Einstein and the body of a Greek god.  Every kiss begins with Kay, but every child begins with sperm.

 http://healthland.time.com/2010/12/14/sale-alert-holiday-savings-on-sperm/

Phonography

First there was phone sex, and now there is a new phone app (application) for 1.99 a month that will provide you with a virtual girlfriend who will text you four times a day. I remember when guys used to brag they had sex four times a day. My how the times have changed. The good news is you can't get an S.T.D. from phonography, but you may go blind staring at that little screen. I guess I'll just do it till I need glasses.

http://jammiewearingfool.blogspot.com/2010/12/lonely-and-in-need-of-girlfriend-theres.html#links

Cardboard copper

The Czech's have bounced and now their republic is defaulting on it's debt. One solution for saving money was to install cardboard cops at intersections. They figured it would help to reduce violations, but it has not been effective. Some idiot designed the cutout as a female officer in a mini skirt, and needless to say accidents have skyrocketed. The same designer created cardboard firefighters, and of course they have gone up in smoke. My advice is never accept a wooden nickel or a cardboard Czech.

http://jammiewearingfool.blogspot.com/2010/12/long-leg-of-law-cardboard-cutout-of.html

Hey Misster

Saw a young lady entering the men's room by mistake at the airport yesterday. I politely said "miss this is the men's room" and she said "f___k off a__hole"! I later found out it was Andrej Pejic a 19 year old male model from Australia. Some have called him a femiman, but next time I'll just refer to him as misster.

http://www.heraldsun.com.au/news/victoria/hang-on-dude-looks-like-a-lady/story-e6frf7kx-1225967275441

Give it to me baby

According to Reuters "The very oldest men are still interested in sex, but illness and a lack of opportunity may be holding them back..." Well I would certainly hope so as this is the natural order of things. Can you imagine senior citizens swinging, clubbing, and getting it on in parks and stairways like teens do? What if they wore their pants around their knees exposing their depends and held their crotch while they rap to the ladies. How about them duking it out over cheating hoes? Seniors should just accept the fact that their sex lives are over. Damn, I forgot to refill my prescription for viagra again!

The lost bag

A young man with a large bulge in his trousers arrived at O'hare airport for his flight home, and immediately the T.S.A. pulled him over for an invasive pat down. When the agent accosted his crotch the young man said "Be careful, the last time you handled my bag it got lost"!

Fatty deposits

Most people consider fat deposits unsightly and unhealthy, but for one dynamic duo they are an enormous blessing. Recently these very large ladies have been using their folds of fat to hide stolen merchandise, and were able to score $2,600. worth of goods at one time. It seems those fatty deposits enlarge your waist, and your wallet.

http://www.wacktrap.com/people/stupid-people/tj-maxx-shoplifters-store-2600-hidden-goods-3-pairs-boots-body-fat-rolls

"The land of the free, and the home of the brave".

Those peaceful Swiss who live in the Alps and make that wonderful chocolate are turning out to be one hateful group of anti-immigrant yodelers. They are so xenophobic they actually voted to deport foreigners who are convicted of rape and trafficking in drugs or humans. The nerve! Well their criminals can always come to  America, a veritable oasis for murderers, rapists, drug dealers, terrorists, and all manner of psycho's. "The land of the free" is a reference to all the free social programs available to those who would do us harm. "The home of the brave" refers to the fact that in spite of rampant crime we still leave the safety of our home knowing we may not return.

http://jammiewearingfool.blogspot.com/2010/11/first-muslims-and-minarets-now.html#links

Silence is golden

President Obama was assaulted during a basketball game, and received twelve stitches. Apparently a player mistook his giant lips for the rim and attempted a dunk causing the great orator to require oral surgery. The secret service read the perpetrator his rights, but for the first time in 2 years Obama will have to remain silent. Previously a teleprompter attempted the same thing, but was foiled. Silence is golden.

Your spying eyes

In an effort to thwart the spying of genitalia by T.S.A. agents someone has invented underwear that blocks imaging of your private parts. It uses tungsten and other metals that do not set off metal detectors, and looks rather fashionable at the same time. Sales of the underwear have been sluggish, but recently a large order was received from Yemen. Some owners are worried that what can't be seen may have to be handled. Judging by the way they treat your luggage your "junk" will surely be bruised as badly as your ego.

http://dailycaller.com/2010/11/21/underwear-invention-protects-privacy-at-airport/

The real deal?

How can you know when you are getting the real deal? You won't get one from the the guy who sells new d.v.d.'s on the street for five bucks, or from an online date who claims she doesn't know how to post her picture to her e-harmony account. Even the actresses on the show "The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills" have admitted they are filled with botox, breast implants, and nose jobs. How real is that? Everyone knows botox is onabotulinumtoxinA a poison, and death would certainly better than waking up next to the botox infested gal in the picture. That's probably where they got that expression "if looks could kill".

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-1327162/Real-Housewives-Beverly-Hills-reveal-plastic-surgery-secrets.html

Death by nailclipper

Soldiers returning from Afghanistan landed in Indianapolis recently and were subjected to the same ridiculous T.S.A. routines I encountered in Chicago. There was one small difference. They were carrying M4 carbine rifles, and M9 pistols, but no ammo. Apparently we don't trust our own soldiers from hijacking a plane and crashing into a building. One soldier was stopped, detained, and his nail clipper confiscated. There was concern that if the pilot had a hangnail, and the soldier grabbed it with his clipper he could force him to crash land. Dangerous weapons will be confiscated, the guns are okay.

http://www.redstate.com/erick/2010/11/18/another-tsa-outrage/

The ties are a changing

If a Muslim wore a tie in Iran in 1979 there was the possibility of being beheaded since ties were considered to be symbolic of the decadent west. It seems this particular tie meets with religous approval, probably because it's in the shape of a sword! One option is the metallic insert that transforms the tie into a fashionable method of beheading infidels. Looks like the Columbian necktie* has finally met it's match. Another option is a clear coating that protects it from stains like blood. Why would you want to throw away a perfectly good tie after just one use? Like Bob Dylan said the ties are a changing**.

* A Columbian necktie is a method of execution where the victims throat is slashed and the tongue is pulled through the open wound.
** He actually said "The times are a changing".

Times up.

When I was a young boy my neighbor died a young man. His wife said "poor Red his time was up and the lord took him". I immediately became concerned that life hinged on an abstract idea called time. One day a teenager from the neighborhood was robbing a bank and the police had him surrounded. An officer yelled your time is up, come out with your hands in the air. Mickey ran out waving a pistol, and a hail of bullets later he was dead. My parents took me to his funeral and the priest said "Young Mickey Rivers, died before his time". I thought you must be kidding me. What better time to die then when someone is emptying their gun into you. I then realized it wasn't time that kills us as much as it is about what we are doing in a particular moment of time. Maybe it's not that your time is up, as much as it is your time is up to you.

Dying to get laid

Gay Coffin

Gay men now have the option of being buried in a custom homo-erotically designed coffin. A unique accessory that's necessary when being shoved into a deep dark hole. The one in the picture has all the options including a rubberized mattress (for those embarrassing stains), lubricated hinges (for those embarrassing squeaking sounds), and a butt anchor to keep your body from sliding around as it's lowered. Dying to get laid to rest has never been more fashionable.

http://jammiewearingfool.blogspot.com/2010/11/fabulous-gay-coffins-with-homoerotic.html#links

Busting out

It's a fact that men love female breasts. It may be the comfort that suckling a warm mass of milk producing glands brings. It may be the smell that evokes wonderful memories of infancy when life was simple and stress free. Even as adults we act childish when confronted with breasts especially large ones, and sometimes we offend their owners by our ogling. Are you even reading this or still looking at that picture?

Norma Stitz world record holder for largest breasts 73-1/2 WWW
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gSdbZrbiSCE&feature=player_embedded

Death sentence

Khalid Sheik Mohammed died today of old age while awaiting trial for the Sept. 11 bombing of the World Trade Center*. Eric Holder is still trying to decide where to try him, and apparently hasn't heard of his demise. Someone once said "justice delayed is justice denied", but the Attorney General claimed "justice will not be denied, he will be found guilty and issued a death sentence"*. He neglected to tell us it would be from natural causes.

*K.S.M. is not really dead, but he probably will be at the rate his trial is progressing.
*Eric Holder never claimed KSM will be issued a death sentence.

Unhappy meals

I find San Francisco's ban on McDonalds for offering toys in their happy meals bizarre. The thinking goes that children shouldn't be rewarded for eating unhealthy food by giving them a toy. So if we remove the toys we will remove the desire to eat the burgers and fries. Are you kidding me? Do they honestly think that the kids will turn around and say mom let's have a salad with grilled lean chicken and bottled water? Social engineering by our government has, and always be, an unmitigated failure. Remember the war on poverty? how about the war on drugs? Those programs did zero, zilch, nada in improving the lives of it's citizens. The ban misses an important point in this controversy. It is not the children who are paying for the meals, it is the parents. If a parent has not already raised their child to make the right decisions when it comes to eating healthy foods, then the government has already lost the war on childhood obesity. This is not a war the government can win, or should even participate in.

Jus driving thru

You can get food at a drive thru, get married at a drive thru, and now it will be possible to buy your adult toys at "Pleasures" drive thru sex shop. Alabama bans the sale of sex toys, but Pleasures sidesteps the law by claiming that they are medical devices, and requires you to fill out a questionaire. I honestly can't imagine the medical neccesity of an anal stimulator, but one resident claimed it help reduced his headaches. I guess it really is possible to have your head up your ass.

http://blog.al.com/breaking/2010/11/alabama_sex_toy_drive-thru.html

No sex=death

Many men have told their wives they would die without sex. That may be a literal truth. Sex increases your testosterone levels, and improves your cardiovascular health which in turn means you'll live longer. That expensive life insurance policy I took out is really killing my love life.


http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/europe/italy/8116384/Healthy-sex-life-makes-men-live-longer.html

The orgasmic brain

A team from Rutgers University conducted a study to find out what goes on in a woman's mind when they are having an orgasm. Are they for real? Even I know the answer and I am not a scientist. They're thinking "Good thing that idiot husband of mine is not around"!

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1327489/What-goes-womans-brain-orgasm.html

One giant footprint

The University of New Hampshire has been given 700,000 of our tax dollars to study cow burps. The purpose is to reduce greenhouse gasses by limiting the methane they emit when belching. Apparently their flatulence emits less methane, but I am sure many farmers would beg to differ. Scientists tell us that in the distant past very large vegetarian dinosaurs roamed a tropical world, yet catastrophic climate change did not occur. A recently discovered seismosaurus dinosaur was up to 140 feet long. Now that is one giant carbon footprint. In fact the fossil record indicates that high CO2 levels supported the greatest number of diverse life forms ever recorded. Maybe we should think twice about junking that old S.U.V, and go have a few bean burritos. Maybe we can bring back the dinosaurs.

http://www.unionleader.com/article.aspx?headline=UNH+scientists+to+study+cow+burps+.+.+.+and+more&articleId=c43c3680-3551-47ed-be8a-0b5b87880d6e

The anti-science argument

I do not believe in evolution and therefore I am told I am anti-science. Yet I use computers, have had sonograms, and m.r.i.'s (invented by a creationist named Damadian) and trust the validity of their results. I embrace science in every way that affects me and the world at large in the here and now. I believe in climate change, but I don't support the belief that man in is solely responsible for that change. Climate scientists say we must eliminate fossil fuels and reduce our energy consumption to levels before the industrial revolution in order to make a drastic reduction in earth's temperature*. This can be accomplished by not using jets, cars, large screen televisions, cruise ships, air conditioning, etc. So after creating all these inventions you tell me not to use them, and you claim I am anti-science?

*Minor reductions in greenhouse gasses will have virtually no effect on ambient temperatures.

Oh dolling

I recently blogged about a vibrator that resembled Obama, and now they have an Obama blow up sex doll. It's amazing how many way's this guy can screw you. Our President has seduced this nation and now he is titillating millions of perverts with his phony baloney. While the recent tsunami of republican victories may have humbled him slightly, nothing could deflate him more than a nice sharp pair of scissors (the doll that is). I wonder why he is only shown with white women? It must be a part of his social justice program, you know spreading it around as they say. That's what he told Joe the plumber, and who knows better than a plumber how to deal with all his crap?

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/northamerica/usa/barackobama/8107377/Obama-sex-doll-for-sale-in-China.html

Harry Reidenstein

In a previous blog I referred to Harry Reid as Frankenstein, and on Nov. 3 he again proved his political immortality. Considering his state has a 14% unemployment rate I was sure he was dead as Elvis, but the Nevada voters went to the polls and electrified this decrepit corpse back to life. The peasants and villagers were no match for the creature that terrorized the nation with health reform, cap and trade, and policies that destroy small businesses by throwing them over the cliff. This monster knows no fear except fire, and unfortunately the voters failed to fire him.

Smile, your on booty camera

On October 22 I had the honor of performing nude at Chicago's O'hare airport. While I generally use a pole for my routine, this time I used the backscatter scanning system at the security checkpoint. For the pleasure of one T.S.A. agent my nude form was as visible as a private lap dance at a so called "Gentleman's Club". Needless to say they were unimpressed as I found no dollars inserted in my waistband. I am told this information is private and treated discreetly, although I could have sworn I heard a group of people say "Wow that's some scar"! That old metal shop accident still haunts me to this day. I guess I shouldn't complain at least it's better than a full cavity search. Anyway if you see my picture on the internet they say the image makes you look much fatter than you really are. That lady behind me really has something to worry about.

http://www.familyhomesecurity.com/full-body-scanners-at-airports-faq/

Halt! Drop that knife and step away from the butter

Yesterday I returned from a cruise where I ate like a Soviet dissident who was just released from the gulag after 20 years. Today I read Baltimore is issuing tickets for food violations, how ironic. Maybe they should ticket Rosie O'Donnell for eating 4,000 calories in a 2,500 calorie zone, and adding 10 points to her B.M.I. (body mass index). Apparently a food facility called "Healthy Choice" was found to have excess fat levels in their margarine, and was issued a $100. fine. Fine by me, except when an inspector comes to my apartment to analyze the fat content of my fettuccine alfredo. A butter knife can also double as a deadly weapon so I hope the food police are being outfitted with utensil proof vests.

http://michellemalkin.com/2010/10/27/baltimore-food-police/

Ticket to ride.

I just finished a seven day Mediterranean cruise thanks to my wife getting roundtrip airfare from N.Y. to Barcelona for only $304. The only caveat was the age of the jet. It was so old it still had working ashtrays in the armrests, and large tube monitors for the inflight movies. As we boarded we were told there would be a delay because the brakes had over heated. I wondered how that can happen when it was sitting still for 2 hours. Eventually a ground crew member came out on the tarmac to direct the plane to the runway. Moments later we heard a thud and it felt like we ran over something, or someone. Again it was delayed a short while, but we arrived on time. My wife didn't mind, and like the song says "she's got a ticket to ride, and she don't care", although the guy laying in the middle of the runway might.

Now that's progressive

The Democratic party has a new slogan. "Rewarding illegals now that's progressive, call or click today".*

*Taken from the Progressive Car Insurance commercial.
http://www.heritage.org/research/reports/2007/05/rewarding-illegal-aliens-senate-bill-undermines-the-rule-of-law

Sex and the single Shiite

Khadija is a divorced Shiite Muslim women living in Bahrain, an island connected by a causeway to Saudi Arabia. What is unusual is that she owns a sex shop there. She does not sell dildos, books, movies, or blow up dolls as they are forbidden. She does sell vibrators, edible underwear, and bondage kits. It is hard to imagine a veiled women picking out some sexy lingerie, and a g-spot stimulator, but now I know why their husbands do not allow them to be alone with unrelated males. Sometimes the more you cover something the more it wants to be set free.

http://www.spiegel.de/international/world/0,1518,719188,00.html

The floundering fathers?

I am always amused when so called intelligent people dismiss the constitution and the founding fathers as irrelevant. There is a timeless quality to the length and breadth of wisdom preserved in their writings that can even survive generations of pseudo intellectual giants of liberal thought. For your perusal four of George Washington's quotes. 1)"Government is not reason, it is not eloquent, it is force. Like fire it is a dangerous servant, and a fearful master". This was before Hitler, Stalin, Mao, Pol Pot, and Obama the eloquent orator. 2)"I hope I shall possess firmness and virtue enough to maintain what I consider the most enviable of all titles, the character of an honest man". Something Geithner, Rangel, Waters, Daschle, Blago, and other politicians don't consider very enviable. 3)"Mankind when left to themselves are unfit for their own government". Why? 4)"It is impossible to rightly govern a nation without God and the bible". There in a nutshell is why our nation is on the highway to hell captained by virtueless, clueless, self absorbed, self aggrandizing men who believe they're gods, but are as false as the wooden teeth in George's mouth.


http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/authors/g/george_washington_2.html

Daffynitions

Radical Muslim: One who encounters an infidel blaspheming Mohammed and says "get me a sword so I can behead him".
Moderate Muslim: One who watches the beheading and says "It's a shame he was beheaded, but he has no one to blame but himself. He should never have blasphemed Mohammed".

To prove my point let's take the Moderate Muslim, Imam Rauf who said after the 9/11 attacks. "I wouldn't say the U.S. deserved what happened, but U.S. policy were an accessory to the crime. In the most direct sense Osama Bin Laden was made in the U.S." Translation: The U.S. is directly responsible for Osama Bin Laden (terrorism), and the subsequent attack. In essence it's a shame 9/11 occurred but the U.S. has no one to blame but itself.
http://www.nytimes.com/2010/08/22/nyregion/22imamfacts.html
When questioned about moving the Ground zero Mosque "If he (Rauf) was forced to move the project, it could spur terrorist activity among radicals abroad". Translation: If you oppose the Mosque any terrorist activity will be your fault, and you have no one to blame but yourselves..
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2010/09/12/imam-feisal-rauf-moving-center-terrorism_n_713659.html
In conclusion Rauf used the protection of the constitution to promote the GZ Mosque, but failed to acknowledge the constitutional right to burn the Koran. The radicals manipulate through fear, and the moderates manipulate through our fear of the radicals. Imam Rauf is about as American as camel pie.

Note: This blog appears to contradict another. This is written from our perspective, the other is written from theirs.

Gone without a trace

Just finished the laundry and as usual a sock is missing. It is never the one that's worn out or has holes in it. It's always the new Nike that cost more than 6 pairs of the Walmart brand. I was considering a rfid (radio frequency identification) tag to track them, but I figure the water would damage it. As of now 48 hours have passed and there is little hope left of finding it. Where is the Fabric Bureau of Investigation when you need them?

Mythbusting

I heard Barack Obama will be on a special episode of the mythbusters television show. Amazing since Obama is nothing but myths. He said universal healthcare will bend the cost of insurance downward, you can keep your own plan, no rationing, the stimulus saved or created millions of jobs (they're not really sure if they were saved or created?) Bush is responsible for every problem we face, and the Cambridge police dept. behaved stupidly when they arrested Henry Louis Gates Jr. I'm not sure if anything he has ever said is factual except concerning his cap and trade plan "electricity rates will necessarily skyrocket". Like Pinocchio his nose could put Jimmy Durante's to shame. The only thing Obama will be busting is our economy, the myth is he feels our pain.

http://www.cbsnews.com/8301-503544_162-20020095-503544.html

Some ass

I called my nephew who lives in a poor farming town in Nebraska recently. I asked how things were going with his childhood sweetheart Emily. He told me he left her and was marrying an older women. When I asked why the phone developed static, and all I heard was dairy heir. Why the hell would he marry someone just for their ass?

This stimulus saved or created millions of orgasms

I just saw a vibrator that looks like President Obama, so I guess all those ugly epithets we have been hurling at him are true. The fact is he is trying to worm his way into every facet of your life, so why not your vagina? The Obamarator has a disclaimer against "internal usage" as it is intended to be a gag gift. However this is one gag that actually works, unlike those shovel ready projects that joker foisted upon us. The company that makes this product also makes Obama condoms, and now you know why the President resides in an oval orifice.

http://dailycaller.com/2010/10/21/obamarator-sexing-up-the-meaning-of-yes-we-can/

Barney Frank/Barney Rubble

Barney Frank is up for re-election and there is a chance he may be defeated. So what would this political savvy fixture of D.C. do to turn the tide? How about contributing 200k of his own money to his campaign because no one else would, and having his boyfriend heckle his opponent. As a result he has been getting pounded by his critics daily, and pounded by his male lover nightly. In contrast Barney Rubble pounded rocks daily at Slate's quarry, and pounded his wife Betty nightly. It was rumored Barney Frank had a lover at Freddie Mac, and coincidentally Barney Rubble's best friend was Fred, but the only meat they ever shared was dino burgers. Fortunately for Mr. Frank he doesn't live in the stone age town of Bedrock. His lack of teeth, while a benefit to his homosexuality is detrimental to eating dinosaur meat. http://www.realclearpolitics.com/video/2010/10/17/barney_franks_boyfriend_heckles_gop_opponent_after_debate.html

Please leave your name and planet after the beep.

S.E.T.I. (search for extraterrestrial intelligence) has it's 50th anniversary this year. For 50 years scientists have been listening to static to determine if aliens are attempting to contact us. Millions of wasted dollars and man hours later Stephen Hawking concluded "contacting aliens could have catastrophic consequences for the human race". Remember what happened to the Indians after the white man contacted them, not a pretty sight. So after 50 years of sitting idly waiting for E.T. to phone they have decided if he does call they won't answer. I do the same thing by screening my calls for collection agencies and telemarketers using caller I.D. If the scientists are worried about who is trying to contact them they should do what everyone else does, let it go to voice mail.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/39675346/ns/technology_and_science/

Render unto Caesar...

There has been a great deal of anger over taxes lately. Some feel the government has the right to take any amount they see fit as long as it goes toward the public good, and others feel the government has limited rights in taking our hard earned income. Remember what Jesus said concerning the Roman tax on Jews, "Render unto Caesar the things that are Caesars, and unto God the things that are God's". This confirms he supported paying taxes, but it's important to note that Jesus first asked, whose picture was on the coin? It was Caesar's who was still living, but whose picture is on our coins? Dead presidents! The only thing you can render a dead guy is respect. In 1864 the treasury adopted the motto "In God we trust" on currency. Had Jesus been given one of these coins his saying "render unto God the things that are God's" might be understood in a whole new light*.

*The founders understood it was divine providence that forged this great nation. All good things came from God, and all good things belonged to God, this included money. The inscription on the Roman coin means dictator forever. Hell must be full of them.
http://www.ustreas.gov/education/fact-sheets/currency/in-god-we-trust.shtml

Footing the bill

Universal health care in the U.S. is a reality. The question of rationing is also a reality. Greece which has become a model for the declining U.S. economy has recently decided to amputate diabetics feet instead of paying for special footwear. So this is how our government plans to bend the spending curve downward. It will be those most in need of medical help who will literally be footing the bill.

http://dailycaller.com/2010/10/11/greek-health-system-opts-for-amputation-as-money-saver/

Shovel ready

Pres. Obama said the stimulus would finance "shovel ready" jobs that were ready to go as soon as the money was approved. Some projects replaced miles of sidewalks that passed abandoned buildings, empty stores, and weed covered lots. When asked about why they needed to be replaced we were told the old ones didn't meet new regulations. Why would you change the regulations in a freakin ghost town? Do squatters need new sidewalks outside the abandoned buildings they call home? Maybe the crack addicts kept falling on the broken concrete and were suing the city. This poor family in the picture should have known better. The government has lost it's direction and is leading us all to a dead end. Maybe the President has been shoveling more than jobs lately. No wonder the economy stinks.

Pinheads and idiots

On "The View" t.v. show Bill O'Reilly was lambasted by Whoopie Goldberg and Joy Behar for saying Muslims attacked us on 9/11. He failed to use the politically correct term "Radical Muslims", and they were so angry they walked off the set. I remember a Christian shot and killed an abortion doctor named George Tiller recently. Shouldn't we call him a "Radical Christian"? After all any honest person who reads the New Testament would not be able to find one verse that supports homicide. What about Jesus, can anyone honestly refer to him as a violent individual? How about the Pope does he approve of murdering abortion doctors? No, but we don't care if we offend all Christians by failing to call him radical when he clearly violated the boundaries of Christianity. Let's apply the same standard to Islam. Does Muhammad or the Koran advocate violence? Muhammad was a warrior who killed and promoted violence. The Koran commands fighting even if it is hateful to you (Sura 2:216)*, and the Middle Eastern clerics who interpret the Koran advocate violent Jihad. In fact the United Arab Emirates highest court has ruled a man can beat his wife and kids as long as he doesn't leave any marks. Certainly a hallmark of a religion of peace. The truth is the founder, writings, and major religious leaders allow or require violence from their followers. In the eyes of Islam these jihadists are not radical, but any Muslim who practices Islam differently than they prescribe is radical. It was Muslims who caused 9/11, it's the radicals who are the peacemakers.

*For those who claim the Koran is being misinterpreted the clerics are the ruling authority.

Go take the bus

Paul Krugman of the N.Y. Times wrote an article complaining of the anger of rich people concerning higher taxes. He said "a belligerent sense of entitlement has taken hold: it's their money, and they have a right to keep it". Then quoted "Taxes are what we pay for civilized society" from Oliver Wendell Holmes. That may have been true at one time. What Paul fails to acknowledge is that fraud and waste is so prevalent in government that it is neither condemned nor addressed. Medicare has nearly a 20% fraud rate, with no real attempt to fix it. The I.R.S. budget is increasing exponentially yet they admit they are not collecting anywhere near the revenue they should be. Politicians waste money on pet projects like the bridge to nowhere, the sidewalk to nowhere, and funding banks that should have failed, but didn't because their relatives were heavily invested in them. I could go on and on, but you get the picture. Paul doesn't. Once the full effects of Obamacare kick in we will join Europe with having some of the highest taxes and lowest G.D.P.'s. You know if you let junior borrow your car and every time he returns it's been in an accident eventually you will tell him take the bus. When politicians treat our money like it was their own, maybe they can borrow it again.

Sometimes you feel like a nut

There is the age old philosophic question of why dogs lick their genitals, and ancient wisdom concludes "because they can". Not a very scientific answer, but at least for men it makes sense. So I was surprised that a study of Cape ground squirrels in Namibia sought to explain why the dominant males orally and manually masturbate themselves. Some theories suggested they couldn't find a willing female, or they wanted to clear out old sperm before mating, but these didn't make sense as most squirrels masturbated after they mated. In a stroke of brilliance the researcher Jane Waterman concluded it was to clean their genitals after mating so they wouldn't get a sexually transmitted disease. I honestly didn't realize it was such a problem among our furry friends. More importantly how would they know that cleaning would reduce the risk? The simplest answer may be best. "Because they can".

http://www.livescience.com/animals/etc/100929-squirrels-masturbate-the-name-std-protection.html?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed:+Livesciencecom+%28LiveScience.com+Science+Headline+Feed%29

Book em Danno

You may remember the famous incident that occurred when someone threw a shoe at President Bush. It was viewed more times than "Everybody loves Raymond" reruns, and even made into a video game. What you may not know is that recently someone threw a book at President Obama. Some have concluded he violated the constitution with his healthcare mandate, violated bankruptcy law by his auto bailout, and violated the freedom of religion provision when he endorsed an Islamic cartoon series. Consequently someone judged him worthy of having the book thrown at him, a reference to receiving the maximum sentence allowed. They forgot with Eric Holder as attorney general the only one who will be prosecuted is a fat naked man who streaked by the president, and was arrested. No wonder the symbol of justice is blindfolded.

*Update: The man arrested was offered 1 million dollars to streak naked near the president.
The book was thrown by it's author hoping the president would read it. He was not arrested.

http://www.rawstory.com/rs/2010/10/obama-book-thrown-philadelphia-naked-man-arrested/

Stupor heroes

Pretty soon your children will be watching Islamic cartoon heroes thanks to promotion by Barack Obama. One character is covered with a black burqa and veiled so only their eyes are visible. Sort of a female lone ranger who fights against cooks who serve non halal meat in school lunches. Super hero Jabbar is the equivalent of the hulk. His strength enables him to beat thousands of Mosque protesters while the Mayor and President cheer him on. Mumita is fast like the cartoon character the "Flash", and describes how quickly our youth will be indoctrinated by this religious propaganda. Next Halloween your kids may be trick or treating in a burqa, but don't think I'll be giving them anything. I'm not taking a chance on getting beheaded just because lard is an ingredient in the candy.

http://jammiewearingfool.blogspot.com/2010/10/finally-obama-approved-sharia-compliant.html#links

The party's over

A study conducted in England found that once men reach 52 years old their sense of humor decreases, they become grumpy, and hardly laugh. Considering their prostate enlarges and they can't pee, their testosterone decreases and they can't have sex, and poor digestion turns them into a perpetual fart machine I can certainly understand why. Women also suffer a decline in humor as they get older, but that's due to the fact they have disgusting husbands.

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/8048844/Brits-sense-of-humour-fails-at-the-age-of-52-study-finds.html

Political circus

Recently the naked cowboy, a guitar playing fixture in Times Square announced he is running for president in 2012. I really am not surprised as we have already had actors, weight lifters, wrestlers, and pop singers as politicians. One thing we have never had is a professional clown elected to congress like Francisco Silva of Brazil. Our congressional clowns are not professional by any stretch of the imagination, and they are not funny either. As we buy our tickets to the political circus I am reminded of P.T. Barnum who said "there is a sucker born every minute". He must have been referring to taxpayers.

http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2010/10/04/ap/strange/main6925513.shtml

The clothes make the man

Appearance is everything, and now you can make a big impression on the ladies with these new skivvies. For men whose rear end sags like a ruptured silicone breast implant they offer the "bum lift". No it's not an elevator for hobos, it's seamless underwear that elevates your derriere by 20%. Women just go wild for bubble butt don't they? For those of us who may be lacking in another area they have the "frontal enhancement" model. Apparently that "good things come in small packages" cliche is just a marketing slogan by the diamond cartels. You can't blame them when we do the same thing by promoting our puny, defective bodies as athletic. Don't you hate it when something doesn't work as advertised?

The big stink in Washington

Everyone knows the politicians in Washington stink. The stench is so strong people can even smell it in their homes. This election voters intend to rid themselves of these pests, but in addition to rotten politicians the residents have to deal with stink bugs. They are small insects that give off a disgusting aroma when threatened. It appears our representatives have something in common with these insects as they're threatened by the anger of their constituents. Maybe we could just step on them.

http://www.nbcwashington.com/news/local-beat/Stink-Bugs-Taking-Area-By-Swarm-103669344.html

Let them eat dirt!

Gastronomists continually present us with an amazing array of new things to eat. Occasionally disgusting, but now they may have gone too far. Restaurants are serving, and patrons are consuming edible dirt. This is a practice known as geophagy. Dirt is more or less a side dish to accompany your vegetables. Makes sense since eggs come from birds and we eat both. Vegetables come from dirt, so logically we should eat both. There was an old expression about eating dirt that may have been impetus for this new development. I hope not, because there is also an expression about eating shit. One day McDonalds may be offering "Crappy Meals", possibly including a toy dog inside. It's always nice to know where your food comes from.

http://www.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,2019612,00.html

McAnus Burger

It seems that inmates are always complaining about the food served in prisons. Recently they struck a deal to have McDonalds provide the meals once a week to remind them of the wonderful world that awaits them when they are released. In honor of their newest customers McDonalds has specially prepared a new sandwich. Already it's a prison favorite.

Are you gellin?

There is a new gel on the market that retails for $175. and it is not made by Dr. Scholl. In fact it is purposely designed to increase a woman's breast size, and is appropriately called "boob job in a bottle". While most doctors are skeptical about it's claims I am not. I once rubbed a gel on a certain part of my body and immediately noticed an increase in size. The jar came in a box, and was appropriately called "boner in a box". The next time I see a large breasted woman I may be tempted to ask "are you gellin".

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/beauty/article-1316454/Rodial-Boob-Job-gel-Cream-increases-bust-size-goes-sale-125.html

No sense in buying a newspaper, unless you own a dog.

The Wall Street Journal posted a survey conducted in Arabia about the Ground Zero Mosque. "58% saw it as a project of folly". This was conducted by Elaph the most respected electronic daily in the Arab world. So how is it that the mainstream media has denigrated it's citizens as Islamophobic when the majority of the Arab world agrees with us? More startling was the response over whether the U.S. was a tolerant or bigoted society."The split was 63% to 37% in favor of those who accepted the good faith and pluralism of this country". This was in the aftermath of Pastor Terry Jones plan to burn the Koran! Again the liberal media has demonstrated not only are they out of sync with majority of Americans, but the majority of the Arab world as well. Apparently the Arabs and Americans agree, the media sucks. No sense in buying a newspaper, unless you own a dog.

http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424052748703743504575493711825224290.html?mod=rss_opinion_main

Danger sign

By now you have probably seen the new symbol for the democratic party. It is strikingly similar to the logo for the D subway line in Manhattan. The Democrats and the D train also share the fact that they are too expensive, too dangerous, and never take people where they want to go.

The boob tube

Elmo from Sesame Street is a pretty lucky guy. Recently Katy Perry appeared on the show, and her boobs made a special guest appearance. Poor Elmo couldn't keep his mouth closed or his eyes from popping out the entire episode. It just goes to show Elmo is more manly than muppetly. No wonder Kermit is green with envy, he got stuck with a real pig. We can now plainly see why television is referred to as the boob tube.

http://jammiewearingfool.blogspot.com/2010/09/elmo-got-best-of-guy.html

Inflation and deflation

A beautiful French politician named Miss Dati issued an apology for a gaffe she made during a radio show. When questioned about overseas investment she said "I see some of them looking for returns of 20 or 25% at a time when fellatio is non-existent". She obviously confused fellatio (oral sex performed on a man) with inflation (an economic state of rising price in goods and services). You can't blame her since fellatio inflates a man's penis, and inflation causes a rise in the price of fellatio. Sort of a vicious cycle that eventually ends in deflation for men. Looks like prostitutes know more about economics then we give them credit for.

http://jammiewearingfool.blogspot.com/2010/09/i-see-some-of-them-looking-for-returns.html#links

No license required

Depressed, lonely, having trouble coping with life? You could see a therapist for a couple of hundred dollars an hour, or you could visit a prostitute. Forty percent of the time high end sex workers say they don't have sex with their clients they just talk. I told my wife the same thing, but she didn't believe me. I guess I"ll have to go to a real psychologist. So what happens when the police bust them? Do they get charged with prostitution even though they are not having sex, or practicing therapy without a license? In this tough economy many workers have had to perform jobs they were not formally trained for. It seems like the worlds oldest profession, is actually becoming a real profession. No license required.

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2010/09/10/AR2010091002670.html

"Take me to your bleeder"

We give more money to the United Nations than anyone else, and yet they keep bleeding us for more. Then they decided that if aliens visit earth and say "take me to your leader" the leader will be a Malaysian named Mazlan Othman. Ahmadinejad insults us every chance he gets, and now were put at the end of the receiving line when the aliens arrive. Once E.T. meets the money grubbing panhandlers at the U.N. this planet will be blasted into a giant fire ball. Can't say I blame them, but they should have known better than to visit a place called the milky way. One of the definitions of milk is to obtain money or benefit's from. Nobody should travel thousands of light years just to get bummed for spare change. At least their helmets should have been squeegeed.

http://hotair.com/archives/2010/09/26/great-news-un-to-appoint-earths-envoy-to-extraterrestrials/

Look but don't touch

There is a town in France known as "naked city" due to the large population of nudists romping around the beaches. Recently "swingers" those who advocate free sex and partner swapping have also become residents. You would think the two groups would play well together, seeing as they don't mind displaying their assets. That is not the case, and what might be considered a battle of the bulging has ensued. The fact is that while nudists bounce around their body parts like jello, they don't consider it a mating ritual. Look but don't touch really doesn't work well when a large wave throws you on top of a lady bearing all. It does gives body surfing a whole new meaning.

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/europe/france/8019627/Nudists-and-swingers-at-war-in-Frances-Naked-City.html

In case of emergency

In case of emergency remove blouse, and take off your bra. Sounds like a bizarre pick up line, but it may save your life. Some genius has developed a bra that turns into a gas mask in case of biological warfare. One cup is for the owner and the other is up for grabs. All those years we tried to get our girlfriends bra off are now easily accomplished with one smoke bomb. These kids today have it too easy!

http://www.foxnews.com/scitech/2010/09/23/emergency-remove-bra/

Polly wants a plea bargain

Police in Michigan received a call that a man was fighting with his pet parrot. The man was attempting to teach it tricks, and it led to a violent altercation. Apparently the bird has a long rap sheet including piracy, and has spent most of his life behind bars. The police decided to charge him with assault with a deadly weapon. This was because he slashed his owner with a curved hook and was hospitalized. Polly has agreed to plea guilty to a mynah offense. As part of his plea bargain he will be singing like a canary for a reduced sentence. He will be the world's first stool pigeon parrot.

http://www.clickondetroit.com/news/25117348/detail.html

Columbus Circle

President Obama recently stated Mexicans and other groups were here long before America was even an idea. Mexico declared it's independence in 1810 while the U.S. declared it's independence in 1776 so it's hard to believe that could be possible. Maybe he read that in 1492 the Nina, Pinta, and Santa Maria captained by Christopher Columbus had discovered the New World and he figured they were Mexican. They were actually Spanish, but it is possible Chris stopped by Mexico first to pick up some enchiladas before he circled back. In honor of his voyage we named a major landmark in Manhattan Columbus Circle. Like Chris, many New Yorkers were in Mexico before they came here.

http://www.realclearpolitics.com/video/2010/09/21/obama_mexicans_were_here_long_before_america_was_even_an_idea.html

Cheekin Sandwich

K.F.C. recently started advertising on young ladies cheeks. Not the rosy red kind, the twins down under. To be more precise on the backside of red sweatpants. This was a clever attempt to promote the "Double Down" sandwich. Sales have been flat, and since young men are their best customers only women can stir a rise in sales. There are no plans to advertise their spicy breast sandwiches at this time. One can only hope.

http://jammiewearingfool.blogspot.com/2010/09/lend-us-your-rear-kfcs-cheeky-new-ass.html#links

Fashionably late

I must admit I am not up to date with the world of fashion. I once bought a Nehru shirt and 30 seconds later it was out of style. I checked my closet and found a new powder blue leisure suit complete with bow tie. Not even the moths will touch that one. Recently I read that Charlie Le Mindu held a fashion show with models wearing their birthday suits. Now I can finally brag that I have the the most up to date fashion, except it is tattered and in need of repair. The waist is baggy, the crotch is saggy, the backside has a hole in it, the legs are too short, and the whole thing is one giant wrinkle. Coming to think of it my birthday suit is just as bad as the rest of my clothes.

http://www.nypost.com/p/entertainment/fashion/charlie_le_mindu_fashion_show_PIth8Je0of7ZhK3Owi9edO

The Big Mac Murders

There is a new serial killer on the loose who has already taken the lives of thousands of Americans. Police and F.B.I. have been unable to come up with even one suspect, but Michael Moore has identified the perpetrator as McDonalds. He even claimed they murdered more people then the 9/11 terrorists. Wow that's a lot of bullshit coming from one giant lard ass. Imagine an obese person complaining about people eating big macs and fries. That's kind of like O.J. complaining about domestic abuse. Michael Moore may be successful, but suffers from an inferiority complex. He had to cancel filming a movie in Alaska recently because the eskimos kept trying to club him.

http://newsbusters.org/blogs/noel-sheppard/2010/09/18/michael-moore-mcdonalds-ground-zero-killed-more-people-9-11-hijackers#ixzz0zwXHmQTc

Time to clean house

I recently read our government took 800,000 tax payer dollars and used it to teach uncircumcised men in Africa how to wash their penis. This money was supposed to stimulate our economy not someone's dick! The N.Y. Times claims 49 million Americans lack adequate food, and this is how congress spends our money! This election those dickheads in Washington will be getting washed away along with the crusty sperm, dirt, and smegma from their idiotic programs. Time to clean house. The House of Representatives.

http://www.cnsnews.com/news/article/75198

The 55 limit

The limit is 55, but I am not referring to miles per hour. I am referring to the age limit that women find men sexy. After 55 you become invisible to them, except for those at the senior citizens center. Coming to think of it they don't see too well either. Anyway this year women everywhere will be walking all over me because I'm 55 and they can't see me. That's really nothing new. It has been happening my whole life, and I have the shoe prints all over my shirts to prove it. Even worse those stilleto heels nearly took out an eye. Geez, I get no respect.

http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/3139720/Bald-Fat-55-Youre-still-sexy.html?OTC-RSS&ATTR=News

Men of a lesser intelligence

Well it finally happened. More women are receiving doctoral degrees than men. More families than ever are headed by single women and more men as a percentage lost their jobs in the recession. That means that if your a man there is a good chance you are divorced, unemployed, and when you try to meet a nice women she considers you intellectually inferior. In the war of the sexes it appears that men are ill equipped, out classed, and under educated. Not much of a war, maybe we should call it a police action. At least it can continue for years without acknowledging defeat.

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2010/09/13/AR2010091306555.html

Stay out of my womb

I recently saw a women protester with a sign that said, "Stay out of my womb". I figure if you want no visitors to your womb, just keep your vagina shut.

The evolution of women.

"You've come a long way baby" was the slogan for a Virginia Slims cigarette commercial a way back. The implication was that smoking by women was a long, hard won battle. Finally women would have the right to bad breathe and lung cancer. What a shame they suffered without it for so long. Then there was the miracle breakthrough known as the "pill". Women could now be free of the scourge known as pregnancy. Sexual freedom meant women no longer carried the brunt of the unintended consequences of poorly chosen lovers. It was now possible to make the same stupid mistakes men did when they let their genitals do the thinking. Maybe Freud was on to something with that penis envy theory. Of course disease from smoking or unprotected sex may be an unintended consequence of the feminist movement, but it doesn't deter them in the least. Recently female primates have been taught to smoke, I guess that's one small step in their evolution toward becoming a modern day woman.

Parasitic mind control

Parasites are in our food, our homes, and in our bodies. There is a fungus that kills ants by sprouting vegetation that grows out of their brains. Now I know why Moe called Curly a cabbage head. No wonder kids don't eat their vegetables. These days I am more worried about the parasites that control the media. Practicing mind control with half a brain is a dangerous thing. Just ask the nearly bankrupt New York Times. "All the shit that's fit to print".

http://headlines.blogs.starnewsonline.com/12719/ny-times-sulzberger-well-stop-printing-the-times-someday/

Mean People

Is it me or are there a lot of mean people running around lately? Everywhere you go people are pushing you, cursing you, and acting like someone stuck a garden hose sized catheter in them. Even people who are paid to kind and caring suck. I went for a yearly physical and the lady who took my blood stabbed my arm repeatedly like a blindfolded kid trying to pin a tail on a donkey. She finally found a vein and forced the needle in so hard she damn near gave me an aneurysm. When I left I had more holes than a junkie, and more black and blues than Rodney King. I should have spilled my urine sample on her. Maybe we should be more sympathetic toward mean people. Maybe they had a screwed up life, or maybe they were abused or neglected. Well that's too f__ing bad! The only thing mean people are good for is marrying your ex-wife!

ASSassins (very offensive)

How is it that recent terrorists are so stupid they can't even blow themselves up let alone kill any innocent civilians? Richard Reid the shoe bomber still has all his toes. People lose their toes every day, and they don't have a bomb in their sneakers. Farouk Abdulmuttalab the underwear bomber still has his penis. People lose their penis everyday in industrial accidents, and marital altercations, and they don't carry explosives in their shorts. John Wayne Bobbit lost his when his wife cut off the source of his infidelity. Thankfully the police issued an A.P.B. for the penis using an artists sketch. A passerby recognized it and called 911 who immediately dispatched a detective. They figured it takes a dick to find one. Now we got an idiot in Copenhagen who set off a bomb and burned his face. What kind of moron straps a bomb to their face? First they started at the feet, went to the pelvis, then to the face, what part of the body is next? Maybe they could shove a stick of dynamite up their ass and light it. Coming to think of it Al Qaeda has already tried it. You can't make shit like this up.

http://www.nypost.com/p/news/international/item_hKiF3TDJkgYItnBQkJXmTN

Dimmer than a burnt out bulb

Incandescent light bulbs have illuminated our lives for over 130 years. They are cheap, but the government has decided they are inefficient and waste energy. As of 2014 they will be phased out, and only CFL (compact fluorescent lights) and other efficient bulbs will be sold. The only problem is incandescents are made in America, and today alone 200 workers will lose their jobs. The CFL bulbs are made in China. So in order to save energy Americans will be unemployed, but at least they will be saving electricity. The light bulb is usually associated with a brilliant idea, but when a politician gets an idea it's more than likely associated with a burnt out bulb.

Disposal of CFL bulbs is so dangerous there are 87 steps you must follow. Check the link.
http://www.epa.gov/mercury/spills/

Take it all off!

I am old enough to remember how hot Marilyn Monroe was. I may have been a youngster, but I immediately felt a tingle go up my leg. Not to be confused with the idiot who had the same feeling for Barack Obama. He must have had a disturbing childhood. As a teenager I was able to get my hands on Playboy magazine and other things, and became enamored by the exquisite beauty of the female body. Today men are still enjoying the sensual pictures of naked women, except in addition to clothes they have removed skin, muscles, tendons, and organs. When they say take it off, take it all off, they really mean it.

http://dailycaller.com/2010/09/09/seeing-through-the-x-ray-pinup-girls-nsfw/